His & Hers Infertility (just like the matching towels)

Part 2

2012-02-01T08:32:00.000-05:00

So Saturday, the day after surgery is where things went down hill & bought me more time in the hospital.

My heartbeat got up over 100 beats a minute, my fever was spiking at 104. They thought maybe an infection, but once they were able to get blood from me, they saw that wasn't the case. Now, to get the blood was fun...all my veins were shot, so the only way they were able to get blood was with an ultrasound & using it to see to get blood from an artery in my groin (fun stuff I tell ya) So when the bloodwork came back, they figured then it was just my fever that was making things go faster...so Saturday & Sunday were focused on getting my fever down. The fever went down, but my heart rate stayed up...even leaving the hospital with a heart rate over 90.

I also had the majority of my tubes removed on Sunday & got up & walking. Let me just say having a GI tube taken from your nose is NOT FUN!

By Monday I was doing well enough that I got out of the special unit & was sent general. I was not happy with this, as I no longer had my own room with the nurses I had grown to like...but I knew it was a step in the right direction.

I had a few complications while in general...where my IVs were in my hands, my hands start ballooning up to where I couldnt move them, they were retaining major water. So all IVs had to be removed & moved to my 1 in my arm.

Tuesday came around & it did not look like I would be going home...so I just assumed Iwould be chilling in general for another day or so...pleasantly around 11 my Dr came in to say all bloodwork looked good & it was time to blow the joint!

Coming home was nice, however hard...my poor DH had to take off work to wait on me 24/7. But here I am a week of being home & he has been able to go back to work. I am up & moving a bit more. I had my post op yesterday, which was my first time out of the house & wore me out!! I was out for an hour & slept for 5.

My doctor is very pleased with how I am recooping...he did say that it would take another 2-3 weeks before my energy level went up...as not only did they recycle 4 pints of my blood, which is like giving 4 pints of blood, but also the spleen is a large blood holder...so I lost that blood too. I am now cleared to walk all I want & do stairs, which is nice since Ive ben stick in our basement! Then next week, if I feel like it, I can start driving short distances.

I have a couple outings planned for this weekend, so depending on how those go, I will try to possibly go to work a few hours next week & see how that goes.

Of course my biggest concern is now & always will be getting sick. The first 2 years after loosing my spleen will be my hardest; when I can get sick the easiest. My kidney & liver will take over a lot of the function of my spleen, but it takes a couple years...in the meantime I have to stay up to date on 3 special vaccines & at any sign of a cold or anything...it's off to the dr for me. This does cause me to worry a bit about starting to be around people again...but I have to & my body will build everything back up!

So that is probably about it! Thank you again everyone for you care & concern & good thoughts during all this!

A Spleen Free Life-part 1

2012-01-29T23:06:00.000-05:00

I will make this as short & sweet as possible. You are probably even lucky I do not remember it all.

So the morning of surgery we got up at 5:30 for my 6:30am arrival time. I honestly was calm, cool & collected until about 6:20 when we were almost to the hospital. Got to the hospital, checked in & got sent to get ready. Did all the fun stuff of undressing & whatnot...then they wheeled me to preop.

I had never been to this hospital before, so I assumed once I was in preop, they would get me ready & then call my DH back before I left...nope! We got off the elevator to go to preop & they told me to say my good byes to him. This did NOT sit well. I started crying like a baby. I got to preop & they 2 nurses were so sweet. I was trying to stop crying when they start telling me about a special IV that will be going in my neck & then a big needle one they needed to put in my hand. By this point, I'm acting like a baby, crying for my DH. They were soooo nice & went & got him to stay with me until the minute I went to the operating room.

I kept telling everyone I felt so stupid. I had had my fair share of surgeries & I was scared shitless of this one & couldn't stop crying...I hated it

The one nurse I guess must have asked if we had kids or something...because the next thing I know, we are talking about infertility & adoption. She was so nice about it & just calming...for once I would have rather talked about infertility than what was going on with me.

Once everything was ready & all IVs, tubes, etc in place...I was off. I remember going into the operating room & feeling like a circus show because there were so many people in there. Between how rare my case & the complications that could have happened...I think 1/2 the hospital was in that room. I remember starting to cry a bit once I was in the room & that was it until recovery.

I was in recovery a long time while I waited for a room in a special unit of the hospital. I remember fighting to open my eyes..but it was just so hard. I have no idea how long I was there or when I got to my room...but I remember waking up & seeing my husband.

I had tubes everywhere...from my nose, my stomach...a catheter. I do not remember much of Friday night & very little of Saturday...but Saturday is where things went a bit down hill.

I don't want to bore you with all this crap...so I will make this a 2 parter...

Short & Sweet

2012-01-26T13:24:00.001-05:00

I got home from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon & I can say it's soooo good to be home! I have slept more since I got home than the entire time at the hospital.

I still have a long road ahead of me & will type more about the surgery & everything when I have a bit more strength. But as always...thank you all again for all of your good thoughts!

Surgery Day

2012-01-20T08:30:00.000-05:00

Today my spleen goes to splenic heaven. As you read this, I am currently loosing my spleen. After 3 weeks of this surgery hanging over my head, we are getting this show on the road.

This is my first major, non IF related, surgery in 11 years...& it's been rough on me. I am glad that this will be done & over with & I can start my road to recovery. I will not have to worry about the mass rupturing or anything...so it is a huge sigh of relief.

I will be in the hospital for 3-5 days, then home for about 4 weeks...so I am sure you guys will be getting plenty of blog post from me!!

Wordless Wednesday-Smells Like Spleen Spirit

2012-01-18T07:01:00.000-05:00

(yes, this is what I will be wearing to the hospital on Friday)

Bloggers for Hope

2012-01-13T07:16:00.000-05:00

Hey guys!! Can you do me a favor today?! Go stop over at Bloggers for Hope & check out my first post!

As I mentioned last week, Bloggers for Hope is a group of amazing women & a man that are talking about all aspects of infertility. This site really has it all & I am so honored & proud to be apart of this new journey for Chance to Hope. All of us authors are here for you & always more than happy to answer any questions you may have, blog about aspects you would like to hear about etc.

As their resident adoption blogger, I would love to know...what do you want me to write about? What would you like to know??

If I Had a Good Title, I Would Put It Here

2012-01-08T20:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry I havent written lately...things have gone from crazy to crazier. After all the stuff with my spleen we then went to spend 8 days with the in-laws & go on a mini trip with them to celebrate the hubby & I's 30th birthdays. We went to Quebec, which was a lot of fun..I had never been to Canada in the winter though & wow is it cold. All my Canadian tweeples & blog readers, I admire you for dealing with that weather. I will never say it's cold here again!

It was nice to get away for a bit & not thinking of what is coming for me in the next few weeks. As soon as I saw the hospital where my surgery will be, I felt sick. I am getting used to the idea of this surgery; I am still not happy about it & I am still scared shitless to say the least. I did find out one of my close friends has been without his spleen since he was 13. I am not sure how I did not know this before, guess you really never ask your friends if they are san spleen or not. He has really put me at ease & seeing how he lives his life, etc...well, it is really helping.

I have a lot to do in the next week & a half to get everything ready at work & home, since I will live from my bed for 4 weeks. You would think with all the surgeries I have had I would be used to all this by now, but I am not. I think the more I have, the harder they get. The harder I am on myself for feeling like my body is letting me down.

But life goes on & it can always be worse. I am just ready to get on the mend & start our adoption process again...I am ready to be a healthy mom. I'm ready...

Hope In 2012

2012-01-03T15:07:00.000-05:00

First I want to wish you all a very happy 2012. I know so many of us had a crappy 2011 & I have so much hope that 2012 will be better for us.

Speaking of Hope, I am honored & proud to announce that I am now the adoption blogger for a Chance to Hopes blogger site!! Go check out Bloggers for Hope!! This site will have bloggers writing on everything from IVF, miscarriages; even a male perspective on infertility! The site really will have it all!

So please, go check it out! Bloggersforhope.com (sorry, typing from my phone & don't know how to do links) oh & did I mention there is a give away going on right now to help celebrate the launch?!

Health Follow Up

2011-12-27T19:11:00.000-05:00

Well, if you follow me on Twitter, you already know what is going on, but in case you don't here is the deal.

Since Thursday night at 5:30pm I have seen 2 doctors & a surgeon & it boils down to....my spleen will be coming out on January 20th.

Apparently I had a CatScan back in 2005 for something & a 1cm mass was seen on that test (guess it wasn't important enough to tell me) Fast forward to now & it is 9cm...so growing. I guess a lot of people are born with masses in their spleen, but they do not grow. Since mine is, out everything has to go. I guess this is VERY rare...so rare the doctor was all excited about it because he only does splenectomys because of car accidents. Let me tell you how amazing it feels to be "rare"

I am pretty upset about all this. I will be in the hospital 3-5 days & off work for up to 4 weeks. I will have a vertical cut from under my bra to the top of my belly...how does anyone ever fell ok about themselves with a scar like that?! Now I have my fair share of scars, but right in the middle of my stomach??

I will become more susceptible to infection once my spleen is taken out, so I have to have a special thing of vaccines every 10 years. I start my first round tomorrow..I then just have to pay attention & if I get any fever or can tell I am getting sick, I have to get to the dr. right away for antibiotics.

I am so thankful for my amazing DH..he is really my rock right now. Reminding me how much better this will all be once it's done. How we can make it through anything.

I am also very thankful for all the love & support on Twitter. I know I will be ok, I always am...but I am really getting tired of all of this. When do I get a break?!

From Our Family To Yours

2011-12-25T22:18:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas & Happy Hanukkah

Health

2011-12-23T12:16:00.000-05:00

I thought I had almost gotten through 2011 with only 1 surgery & nothing major going only I should have known better!!

Starting last Saturday & was getting these intense pains in my side..I mean I do not even know how to describe the pain. It put me in bed all day on Saturday. By Sunday I felt like somebody had just beat me on my side. Me being stubborn, I never took anything or let my DH take me to the hospital or anything. I just assumed it was bad endo or possibly kidney stones. By Monday I was feeling rough again, so I decided to go see Dr. Phonebook just in case. I really felt like I was 'giving in' by going to the doctor, but I am really glad I did.

Dr. Phonebook did an exam & really thought it was kidney stones, but sent me for an ultrasound & Cat Scan just to make sure. So yesterday morning I was off to the hospital for my test.

First it was harder than I thought going to the hospital because it was the first time I had been back since last year when I had the surgery that took my tube & ovary. But secondly, I knew it wasn't stones..nothing is ever that easy with me.

By last night I was back at Dr. Phonebook's for the results...I have a large, 9.1cm mass, on my spleen. It is benign, thank goodness & now I have to see what the plan of attack is.

I have an appointment today with my GP & then an surgeon next week. I am in shock. I never in a million years expected to have such a large mass or anything found. I was the idiot thinking I would just need a good 'yearly cleaning' because I had adhesions, endo, etc.

Whatever the plan of attack is, I plan on getting out of my funk & facing this all head on. This will NOT get the best of me! I refuse.

I will say I am tired of being sick, I am tired of all the problems...but Ill be damned if this gets me down!

Happy Birthday DH!!

2011-12-22T08:07:00.001-05:00

Today is my hubby's 30th! That means mine is just around the corner; scary!!

Anyway, I am so happy that we a) have the day off b) I get to celebrate this big birthday with him!!

I am so very lucky to have this amazing man in my life, I mean who else would spend their 30th birthday getting up early & taking his wife to the hospital for test?! I look forward to spending our 30s together (hopefully not with a lot of time at the hospital) & all it has in store for us!

Happy Birthday hun, I love you so very much!!

Not Sure What to Call This One :D

2011-12-15T14:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much to say lately...so I apologize! Work is slowing down & I am finally getting my life back...slowly but surely!

I cannot believe Christmas is next week...wasn't it just New Years 2011?! How did we get here?? This year has been a whirlwind, that is for sure. But it is crazy for me to think that if we had accepted Baby M's referral, I would be celebrating these holidays as a mom. I would be somebody's Santa...it would all be different.

I am happy with where we are & that we will be starting our new domestic journey in 2012...but still bittersweet for me :( I can only hope that Baby M is in a good home these holidays, being showered with gifts!!

Sorry I don't have much to say now..Im kinda boring, so Ill end by sharing a random holiday fact about my family. My little family, the DH, Kiso & I have stockings that are high heels! I love my high heel stockings. Every year I hang them from the mantle & admire ;) I bought these when I was single & they have just stuck...however, I did promise the DH with a baby the high heel stockings will go!

What is something unique and/or fun that your family does or decorates with the holidays?!

1 Year Later

2011-12-09T04:33:00.001-05:00

-Today marks 1 year since the surgery that took my left ovary and tube
-Today marks 1 year since I think any true hope of having a biological child left my mind
-Today marks 1 year, 1 WHOLE year, since I have had any surgery in that 'down there' female department! (I cannot even remember the last time I went this long without a surgery)
-Today marks 1 year since I started getting my life back
-Today marks 1 year since I started feeling human again
-Today marks 1 year since I began to understand what women meant when they said they 'felt empty'
-Today marks a year of ups and downs...a year of new beginnings and old endings
-Today marks the start of a new year...year 2 since my surgery, a year with so many possibilities

(Kinda) Wordless Wednesday-Surprise

2011-12-07T05:30:00.000-05:00

Watch for a surprise that I have in store for you in January :)

Day 30 (Last Day)

2011-11-30T05:01:00.000-05:00

Today, the last day of my Thankful 30, I am thankful that 1 month from today I will be enjoying the snow with my hubby for our 30th birthdays!

29th Day

2011-11-29T04:51:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for the opportunities that my blogging & tweeting have brought me. I could have never imagined that when I started this blog that I would have had the change to write for a magazine & will be writing for a great nonprofit here soon. I am so happy I get to share our story & hopefully help others.

Thankful On This 28th Day

2011-11-28T05:46:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for the back surgery I had almost 11 years ago that gave me my life back. I was young when I started having problems & it took me almost 3 years to find a doctor that would finally listen to me. For him, I am also thankful.

Football

2011-11-27T05:06:00.000-05:00

Today, I am thankful for fall football!! I also hope to be thankful this afternoon when I watch my football team beat my husbands (in person!)

Day 26

2011-11-26T05:05:00.001-05:00

I am happy & thankful that today my hubby will be home from his family reunion!

Black Friday Sleep

2011-11-25T06:11:00.000-05:00

I am happy & thankful I got to sleep in today! I don't do black Friday shopping & I don't work anywhere that does the sales...so YAY, sleep!!

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I am happy that today is a day I get off from work to rest & spend with my family (even though my DH isn't here :( )

I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Wordless Wednesday-Thankful Day 23

2011-11-23T07:08:00.001-05:00

Dance

2011-11-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

Today, I am thankful that my body is allowing me to dance again. After 10 years, it feels soooo good to be back in a studio & working towards a performance in June.

Day 21

2011-11-21T08:36:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for the fact that I have only had 1 surgery this year & it was NOT in the lady parts department! This is the first I have gone in YEARS without a lap or something..it's the little things!

Health

2011-11-20T06:55:00.000-05:00

Even with all my surgeries, I am relatively healthy & have to remember it could always be worse! So today, I am thankful for my health

Thankful For My Handyman

2011-11-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

My husband is soooo handy & can pretty much do anything!! I love it!! It helps us save money :)

Day 18=My Car

2011-11-18T07:04:00.000-05:00

Yep, I LOVE my car...I LOVE Subuaru...today, this is what I am thankful for!!

Throwing Away...

2011-11-17T06:58:00.004-05:00

Today I am thankful that I got to throw away my glasses this year!! I am so happy with my Lasik surgery & how it has changed my life!!!

Wordless Wednesday-Thankful Day 16

2011-11-16T15:02:00.001-05:00

Thankful On this 15th Day...

2011-11-15T06:50:00.000-05:00

Yep, I am almost 30 years old & still have all 4 of my grandparents!

Day 14

2011-11-14T06:46:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for my good health insurance...now, it does not pay for fertility treatments, but it has paid for ALL of my surgeries, test, etc....so I have to be thankful for what I do have!

Travel

2011-11-13T07:15:00.000-05:00

I am so lucky to have seen so much of the world! I love to travel, I have my bags packed at all times, because you just never know! I love to go. There is still so much for me to see & I know I will make it...one day :)

Warm

2011-11-12T07:14:00.000-05:00

So Happy & Thankful it is supposed to be warm this weekend....as in 60s!

Day 11

2011-11-11T06:56:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for my job. I am lucky that I have never had to be worried about loosing my job & all the benefits my job provides me with. There are so many that are unable to say this & sometimes even though I get super stressed out by it & pissed off at my job..in the long run, I kinda have it made.

And On The 10th Day, I'm Thankful For

2011-11-10T06:53:00.000-05:00

My college education. I was the 1st person in my family to ever graduate from college. I was also very lucky to graduate with NO debt! My parents did whatever it took to get me through school & not have to pay for my education..I am so very thankful for that!!

Wordless Wednesday-Thankful Day 9

2011-11-09T06:47:00.001-05:00

Day 8

2011-11-08T05:58:00.000-05:00

As much as things have been tough between my brother & I lately, due to outside causes...I still love him to death & am so thankful for him.

He is caring, sensitive & always there for me no matter what.

I was never lucky enough to have a relationship with my aunt & uncle & I am so very excited that LP will get to have him as an amazing uncle!!

I'm Thankful For Adoption

2011-11-07T06:32:00.000-05:00

I am so glad that this wonderful option is how the DH & I will become a family.

6th Day of Thankfulness

2011-11-06T12:24:00.001-05:00

I have not blogged about this, but the DH & I moved back in August. I am so lucky that we were able to move into my dream house! We live in an amazing school district, so when LP starts school, I know (s)he will be getting an amazing education. The community is so friendly & really community oriented! There is always something going on.

Now, the commute is a bit further to work, but oh well, the trade off is worth it.

On The 5th Day I Am Thankful For

2011-11-05T07:18:00.000-04:00

Yep, that is right! I am thankful for Twitter. When I started on Twitter in May of 09, I had no idea how it would change my life. How a social media outlet would bring some of the most amazingly, brave and strong women into my life. I didn't know I could meet some of my best friends on line (I met my husband online, so why not friends?!)

Twitter has been a life saver for me too. The day I found out my DH had azoo I went right to Twitter. The love and support came pouring..or where I felt like the worst person in the world for turning down baby M, they reminded me I was doing what was best for our family.

Sometimes, I can get pissed off at Twitter, it's like any other love hate relationship...but in the long run, I am very lucky for all the good it has brought to my life!

Thankful, Day 4

2011-11-04T07:59:00.001-04:00

Today, on our 3.5 year anniversary, I am sooooo very thankful for my husband. This man came into my life when I least expected it & loved me. He loved me flaws & all (and I have a lot) We have been through more in these (4) years of being together than most do in 10 years!! I cannot thank him enough for standing by me, being my best friend, and agreeing to be with me the rest of my life ;-) He also married me a 2nd time (see below)

Day 3

2011-11-03T07:57:00.000-04:00

Today I am thankful for my family. I am blessed to still have all 4 of my grandparents & a loving mom, dad & brother. The entire family has been so amazing throughout this infertility/adoption journey. Having a supportive family makes all the difference, but especially when you are dealing with things such as this.

Wordless Wednesday-Thankful...

2011-11-02T07:43:00.001-04:00

Day 2

30 Days of Thankfulness

2011-11-01T16:09:00.004-04:00

Just gonna spice it up a bit this month ;-) 30 days of what I am thankful for! Sometimes I can be guilty of noticing the bad & what I don't have & I need to focus on the good, as I truly do have a lot to be thankful for.

Today I am thankful for the 3 men in my life (dad, brother, husband-Kiso will have a 'stache at the end of the month too) participating in Movember to help bring awareness to prostate cancer, a cancer both my grandfathers have fought & won against.

Heartache

2011-10-24T17:42:00.000-04:00

I try to be strong, I try not to let this all get my down. I refuse to let infertility get to me. I will not let it define me...but today, today my heart hurts. With our decision to wait, I will turn 30 and not be a mother. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would be 30 and not either already be a mom or have one on the way...but here I am, a little over 2 months away & no baby.

Something has also hit me...I will never carry a baby. I will never feel a kick, I will never watch my bell swell as my little one grows.

I have to remember on days like today, when my heart hurts so physically bad...it will be ok! I cannot be mad at myself for having days like this. I WILL be a mother & every heartache, every tear will all be worth it once LP is in my arms...I MUST remember this!

ICLW

2011-10-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone!! I cannot believe it's already the end of October & time for this month's ICLW.

Well, a lot has happened since the last ICLW I participated in!!

As of the beginning of this month, the DH & I have left the Colombian adoption program after 2 long years. A lot went into this decision & it is very bitter sweet for us, but we know in our hearts we have made the right decision! We are excited to change our path to become parents & will be doing domestic, infant adoption now. After 2 long years & 1 referral that had to be turned down, we are pretty worn out. We have decided to take a bit of a break. We want to enjoy being just us with no adoption paperwork or anything. We want to enjoy our new house & get settled in. So we are looking forward to a bit of a break before jumping back in.

We have completely changed agencies also & have picked out what will be our new one. We will be updating our homestudy for this change & the move..but other than that, the next 6-12 months will be traveling, getting things together, etc.

Other than that pretty big change..not much else is going on. I am, of course still having issues with my screwed up woman parts..but like I said, nothing new! I am getting to the point where I am ready to have what is left taken out..but we will see!

If you have any other questions about the DH & I , please go to our About Us, here

Welcome again & Happy Fall!!

Petition-Help with a Twitter Campaign!!

2011-10-20T14:27:00.002-04:00

We are launching a Twitter campaign today! Would you be willing to help? For those interested, please tweet something along the following lines, and if you wanted to copy and paste this on to your blog, I would love you forever and ever. Thank you!!

-----------------------------

Ask “Quinn” - would you appear in a PSA about adoption?

Join us on Twitter to ask the actress who plays Quinn, Dianna Agron, if she would do a PSA about adoption. Here’s what we’re tweeting:

November is Adoption Awareness Month! RT to ask @DiannaAgron would you do a #Glee PSA to help? http://chn.ge/qHQxOv

Adoption PSA “seems like a reasonable request” says @TIME. What do @DiannaAgron, @idinamenzel think? RT to ask them. http://chn.ge/nxX0fE

We heart #Glee’s Quinn - will @DiannaAgron help #adopted kids by doing a PSA? RT to ask her. http://chn.ge/qHQxOv

Follow Up to 'Me'

2011-10-18T17:47:00.000-04:00

Opps, sorry to those of you that asked me questions back on my Me post. So here ya go...learn a bit more about me!

Missohkay ask: What are you talented at? What talent do you wish you had?
Well, I was a dancer growing up. I started when I was 3 & went until my late teens. I did everything from ballet to tap and Hawiian. I just started back & even though the girl that left that studio over 10 years ago is not the girl that is there now..I would like to thin it's 1 of my better talents! (wishful thinking maybe!)

Ive always wished I could sing. I have wanted to take lessons for as long as I can remember, but I am pretty sure this awful voice cant be helped, even with lessons.

Calmantha's questions was: Do you travel? What's your favorite place if yes? Also, What do you sleep in?
I LOVE to travel!! I get antsy if I am home longer than a few weeks! I have been to over 20 countries & have so many more I want to see. My favorite places are Curacao, Hong Kong, Thialand, and St. Thomas.

I sleep in tshirts...my fave is this old tye-dyed shirt that I have...sexy, I know!

Nikki asked: What kind of books do you enjoy?
Well, I was never a big reader until just the past 2 years or so. I have spent a lot of time reading infertility & adoption books...but I am trying to get away from that & broaden my horizon. I really love Jodi Picoult books & cannot seem to get enough of those right now. Actually just finished my latest last night.

In Due Time wanted to know: What are your hobbies?
My newest is yoga...I also love to dance & travel. Also, I wouldnt call it a hobbie yet, but I have been trying to cook more & try new recipes.

Adoption Ignorence

2011-10-13T21:13:00.000-04:00

So I was reading our local paper when I read this sentence in an article "Maybe it's a mass adoption event or something because it seemed like everyone picked out a kid and took it home."

This is what the writer said it was like in our town when the parents went to go pick their children up. Yep, she compared it to a mass adoption event! I was SHOCKED when I read this. I read it over & over. I then took it to my level headed DH & when he even was bothered by it..I knew I wasn't out of line.

How could she? How could she said picking up your kid & taking them home was like adoption?? If only it were that easy, right?

I proceeded to write a letter to the editor. Not because I wanted to be published, not because I wanted to be that overreacting woman...but because I wanted to educate! The community we live in is very adoption friendly & there are lots of families here that have adopted children...so how could she??

I just wrote about how adoption wasn't that easy, how my hubby & I had been on this roller coaster of a ride for 2 years, etc. Want to know what the response was??

"Point well taken. Do you want your letter to us printed in the paper, forwarded to the author or just noted and deleted?"

Yep, that is it! Num nuts!!! I was so mad after this response...plus I had already said in my letter I didn't want to be published. Apparently they didn't read that, just like the rest of it!

Some people can be so ignorant & never will learn :(

Bitter Sweet

2011-10-09T17:28:00.000-04:00

Ok, this will be fast because I am getting ready to pick the DH up from the airport. Long story short, this last week has been trying! Between the DH's cousin dying & leaving the Colombian adoption program...I was worn out this weekend!

Yes, you read that right. We have left the Colombian adoption program. As of last Tuesday it is official. We had been talking about it for a long time...but we knew in our hearts, the time was right. It is very bitter sweet because we have put the last 2 years of our lives into this, however, we are excited for what is to come.

We have decided to switch to domestic infant adoption!! We are going to be taking a few months off just to relax, enjoy the holidays & both of our 30th birthdays & then start new with a new agency after the first of the year!

I promise soon I will write with all the details, etc.

Wordless Wednesday-Here Is To...

2011-10-05T07:00:00.000-04:00

Siblings

2011-09-30T20:37:00.000-04:00

I have always wanted 2 or 4 kids. I was never in to odd numbers. My father is an only child & I just always felt like it was lonely for him. Then I always worried about 2 because of the middle child syndrome.

Now I would take 3, 2...whatever. But 1, well 1 is very hard for me to swallow. 1 is hard for me not to have my heart break over. I do not want to sound selfish, but 1 for so many reasons is so hard on me. I worry about LP being an only child, I worry about all that will bring for him/her.

I see my dad & all he has to do as an only child. All that the responsibility he has for his parents as the age, all he has had to do for them. I see that he has no sibling(s) to help him with his. I watch as he does this alone & how he has no bond with anyone that 'gets' it.

He had no brothers that he got to play cars with or get in trouble with. No sister that he got to give her boyfriend a hard time or pick on her. He never got siblings & how they worked. I remember being younger & if my brother & I argued or picked at each other, he thought something was wrong with us.

I don't want this for LP. I do not want LP to not have that bond with a sibling..I don't want to have him/her be in their 50s & having to worry about getting the DH & I to deed our house to them or worrying about all that will happen with our aging.

I dont know, this may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo...I am really just thinking out loud, but I need it out.

I never wanted an only child. Not because I want more, but because I want my children to have a sibling. I want them to have that 1 person that knows them better than anyone else & will have been their for them their entire life.

I hate that infertility has more than likely robbed me of this. I hate that money controls how many children I will have. I hate how this wait has made me not want to do this again...between doing it all over & also how are you a good paint as you do this all again.

I never wanted an only child...but I will be ecstatic with whatever I end up with...I just hate feeling like it takes so much away from LP

Me

2011-09-27T20:53:00.000-04:00

I feel like I haven't written on here much...but I feel like there isn't tons to write about. Yeah, I had my cervical biopsy last week & I am waiting on the results...but nothing exciting there.

Yep, still waiting for LP..imagine that! Saturday will mark 2 years since we started our adoption process...that will have it's own post (rant, whatever you wish to call it).

But I feel like I never talk about me or what else I going on in my life other than IF & adoption. There is more to me than those 2 things...but I don't know what to say or tell. What to you want to know? What do people care to hear?

So here is your chance...ask me anything none IF/adoption related...I'll share!

IF

2011-09-25T19:40:00.000-04:00

(If you saw this earlier...sorry! I had copied it & had it scheduled out & didn't realize it was supposed to start today! So here is the real one!)

I'm 'borrowing' a post from a few other bloggers. Fill in the blanks...

If I were to get pregnant again How about getting pregnant for the first time & I truly do not feel that will happen
If I could have any job in the world I would be a teacher...I have always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher & still one day would love to do it!
If I had a day to myself I have so many errands to run & things to do around the house, that probably nothing fun would happen..I would actually be getting things done.
If I could get married all over again I wouldn't change the wedding at all, it was exactly what I wanted...but I would totally redo the honeymoon! Ours was awful!
If I could live anywhere in the US I would go East Coast...or Chicago.
If I could have any talent in the world I wish I could sing. My voice is so terrible & I really wish it wasn't that bad!
If you met me in real life you would be surprised to know that I can be quiet..it really does happen!
If I could go back to school and get a different degree I would have gotten a degree in education
If money were not an object I would have done donor IVF or embryo adoption or would be adopting more than once..I would also have no bills, bc I would pay cash for everything!
If I could meet one celebrity Sarah McLachlan
If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life it'd be Target..it has everything I need!
If we get another pet I would want either a girl yorkie to go with Kiso..or a mini Husky, if I could figure out how to keep it from shedding!
If I could go on a trip, RIGHT NOW, I'd want to go to Bali
If I had to chose between a house cleaner and a personal chef, I'd pick the chef, because I already have somebody that comes & cleans
If I had the option of plastic surgery I'd get a boob reduction & lift & lipo

Scared Women

2011-09-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

How can you hide your pregnancy, give birth to not 1 but 2 babies, kill them & then go on like nothing every happened?! Seeing stories like this make me so sad. I'm sad for the loss of the babies lives, knowing how many people out there would have been so happy to adopt them, but also for the mother.

How can somebody be so scared? How can you be so petrified that you tell nobody, no friends, no family, about their pregnancy? How can a woman feel so alone that they feel the only way to go on with their life is to end the life of a helpless newborn?

Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened. Sadly, this isn't the first time I have seen this. When I was in middle school my neighbors girlfriend did the same thing. I saw her just weeks before giving birth & had no idea she was pregnant. Her story was just like the other, just like many others we do not hear about. She was scared, she didn't want people to know. Her boyfriend, my neighbor, had no idea that she was carrying his child. She went to the bathroom, had her baby in the toilet & then killed it.

My heartbreaks. My husband & I were talking about this after seeing the article Friday about the lady that killed her twins. My DH's response to all this was "kids think they'll get in serious trouble, so they hide it and try to get away with it. We need to make it OK to let it out."

What he is saying is so true, but how do we do that? We have let women know they can bring their children to fire departments, to hospitals; to safe havens. Up to the baby being a few days old, most states will allow the mother to leave their child with an official & no questions will be asked. When I hear of women doing this, I cannot help but think they are so brave.

We also let women know there are options of adoption. There are thousands of couples waiting to be a family. There are thousands of couples that would love to take these children in, to thank the mother for their brave decision & become a family.

But again...how do we get the word out? How do we stop stories like these? How do we let these women know that it's ok & it will be ok. Killing your newborn is not the answer.

I never want a woman to feel that murder is the only way out...but how do I do that?!

Winner!!

2011-09-15T08:29:00.000-04:00

True Random Number Generator Min: Max: Result: 1 (sorry couldn't get a screen shot to take!)

Congrats Making Monkey Soup. Your comment won!!

makingmonkeysoup.com said...: We like fall picnics and bike rides. I like the fall colors, Mea just likes to be outside. :)Please email me in order to get directions on claiming your prize!!

Abuse

2011-09-12T00:36:00.000-04:00

I have not talked about this on my blog before, but 10 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I never thought that I could be that girl. I never thought I could let a guy do that to me, but I did. I do not know how it happened, but it did.

I would not change the past..it made me stronger. I do not talk about it often, as I hate to hear people's reaction when I tell them... "but you are so strong & independent, how did you let that happen?!" I didn't 'let' it, trust me.

But why am I sharing this now? I am because I saw this guest post on Rage Against the Minivan & I felt like Kristy's words were coming out of my mouth, that I could have wrote this.

I wanted to pass this along. I wanted to say it on my blog...I was in an abusive relationship & I did get out. I did take my life back & here I am 10 years later..I am married, I am happy...if you would have told me this 10 years ago, I would not have believed you.

I will tell you more about my story later, but until then, please take a moment to read this post.

9/11

2011-09-11T12:49:00.000-04:00

10 years ago I was a sophmore in college, transferring to a new college that was start on September 12th. Needless to say, we did not start due to the fact that it was so close to a major air force base & was felt to be in danger. I do not remember when we started school or what that first day was like at a new college, but I can tell you everything about September 11th.

I had a friend that went to NYU & was interning near the Towers..I remember thinking of him right away & hoping that he was fine. I remember trying for hours to call him, just to hear his voice. I remember that my watch stopped that morning & I never got a new battery for it because the mall was closed...I remember it just like it was yesterday.

They say time heals all wounds & I am not sure if I believe that...I think time just makes the wounds easier to deal with. To all the men & women that lost their lives to all the families that lost loved ones...we will never forget.

Review & Giveaway!

2011-09-10T08:46:00.000-04:00

If you saw my last review post, you knew how pleased I was with my canvas print! Well, the parent company of Easy Canvas Prints asked me to do a review for them & also gave me the opportunity to offer my great readers some goodies!

Custom Signs offer some fun items & I must be honest, it was hard trying to decide what I wanted to make. Did I want a banner for when LP came home? How about some adoption related bumper stickers? I could not wait to figure out what I wanted to "make" myself!

After playing around on the site for a bit & seeing what all they offered, I decided to make something for my husband. I am not sure if I have mentioned on my blog that my DH is a motorcycle rider & needless to say, I have become sort f a junkie when it comes to riding with my hubby :D I love going out on rides with my hubby & enjoying a nice evening! Ok, anyways....when I saw some of what Custom Signs offered...I knew I had to get a Yamaha sign for my DH. What motorcycle rider wouldn't love a sign to hang in the garage by his bike?! So that is what I made.

Just like the canvas print, the sign was super easy to use & design with. Shipping was fast & once again, I was left a happy camper!

Custom Signs is offering one of my lucky readers a custom license plate, magnetic sign, 15 bumper stickers, large custom banner, or a custom metal or street sign. You can design & have fun!

To enter is easy...tell me what your favorite fall activity is! The deadline to enter is Wednesday, the 14th at 12am est & I will announce a winner on Thursday. You will then be able to go design your own goodies!

Sick & Tired

2011-09-06T19:01:00.001-04:00

I am sick & tired of being sick & tired.

How much can 1 person; 1 body take?! I'm tired. I'm tired of the doctors, the fight, the heartache. 10 years now I have catered to my failing body. What have I done to make my female inners hate me so? When I was 6 did I say I didn't want to have kids & my body listened? When I was 10 did I say I never wanted my period & hated all that would happen & my body decided to stick it to me?! Whatever I may have said..I AM SORRY!

I'm tired of feeling like my body is failing me. I'm tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop...what next.

My pap results came back abnormal...the results show ASC-US, which means ASC with "uncertain significance"...so yay, that is fun. So now I get to have a colposcopy, a test I can say I have never had! How have I made it to be almost 30 & miss out on this fun OB test?!

I sometimes wish I had said the hell with it all last year & just said take it all. I know my body will never produce a baby, so why do I keep all these things?! "Just in case?"

I just don't think I have anymore "just in case" left in me. I'm tired of people saying I'm young...so just in case...

I'm pretty sure I'm just in cased out! I want my life back..I'm so tired

Update

2011-08-30T20:21:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around much! We were in the process of switching internet providers, which left us with no service for 8...yes 8 whole days. Needless to say, I finished 2 books & remembered what life was like before the world wide web....it was nice, but I missed it. I kept thinking of all these things to blog & of course, by now, the majority of them I can no longer remember.

I have been thinking a lot about the fact that October will be here before too long (how in the world is it already September, in 4 hours) and October means 2 years since we officially started our adoption journey. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years already. Sometimes I feel like it has flown by, we have had so much to do & prepare for LP..our baby shower, etc & other times I am in shock by all that has happened & we still have no baby.

We have been waiting, at this point, longer than we were told it would more than likely take to get our referral & have our Little Pup home in our arms.

I try not to be bothered by pregnant women. I try not to envy those who have gotten referrals & now have babies home with them. I can say I have been VERY good about these feelings...well, until recently...

I found a blog where the family adopted from Colombia & paperwork in, referral received & children home in 12 months...1-2 months!! That is what we were expecting...LP would have been home with us by now. I wouldn't keep saying "this is our last big trip before LP" or "nope, no word, nada, we know nothing."

I am just ready...ready to be a mom, ready to finally have our LP & to stop feeling "jealous."

Wordless Wednesday-Crazy Busy

2011-08-24T13:05:00.002-04:00

Sorry Ive been MIA! I promise I will be back ASAP

I'd Be Lying If....

2011-08-12T09:49:00.000-04:00

I saw this over at Traditionally Nontraditional & loved the idea! So here goes nothing!

...I told you I had mowed grass before! Yep, that is right, I am almost 30 and have never mowed a lawn in my life. Call me spoiled, call me whatever; but I just haven't done it. Maybe I should put it on a list of things before turning 30?! I hear it's a great stress reliever!
...I told you that every time I see "balls" hanging from a truck, I don't chuckle a bit! I mean, really? Why do you think it is a good idea to hang balls from your vehicle. It just reminds me what rednecks we do have here in this lovely state of Ohio

...I told you that I don't miss my REs office somewhat. Not because I want to be there being put through a battery of test, but that the billing lady & I become such great friends, I miss seeing her. (sad, I know)
...I told you that I don't sometimes think of living childfree & just stopping any & everything to become a parent. That the stress & worrying sometimes make me wonder if it's worth it all & if we would be better off the 2 of us
...If told you that I didn't think that all the tears, worrying & stress will be worth it as soon as I hold LP in my arms the first time.

How Do You?

2011-08-08T21:08:00.000-04:00

How do you do it again? How do you get the money? How do you go through the wait again? How do you just do it?

The DH & I have been talking a lot more lately about adopting a 2nd time & more & more it is looking like LP will an only child. We worry about the money. How do you pay for a 2nd adoption and be able to give you children everything you want? College, dance classes, soccer fees, etc.

Also, you can call me selfish, but I don't know if I can do this again. I do not know how you can be raising a child & handle this wait. Handle the paperwork, the dossier, everything that comes along with it.

I just don't get it....I always thought I wanted more children, at least 2...but now I am not so sure. Yet, another thing infertility has taken from me.

Canvas Print

2011-08-04T15:17:00.001-04:00

Love the above canvas print?! If you are like me, you have tons of pictures you have taken (or your DH, in my case) that you would love to have made into something nice for hanging.

Brendan over at Easy Canvas Prints asked me to review their product & I was thrilled when he did. I was so excited to be able to finally take some of my husband's amazing photographs & make them into something to hang around the house.

My DH & I sat down on the site, which I will add was SUPER easy to use, & took one of our favorite pictures from a pier in Florida that means a great deal to us & made it into the above canvas! It was really that easy :D

It took no time to get it all taken care of online & within 2 weeks I had a beautiful canvas at my doorstep! I love how Easy Canvas has so many fun options to make the experience unique. I really was pleased & cannot wait to show off our pier picture!

Want your own Canvas Print?! Go 'like' Easy Canvas Prints on Facebook & get a coupon for 50% off your first purchase AND free shipping!! Go on, what are you waiting for? You know you wanna!

Console

2011-07-28T21:29:00.000-04:00

So I thought I was going to have to console my OB's new nurse tonight!

She is a newbie & when I met her last visit back in June, I introduced myself, explained she would see me a lot & that I looked forward to getting to know her! Apparently she thought I was kidding!

Tonight when I got to the OB the first thing I did was a lovely pregnancy test. The nice new nurse took me back in the exam room as she let the test do it's thing. Now, after you have seen 25,000 negatives, another does not phase you; it's just the way it is.

This poor girl looked like she was gonna cry! She gave me the puppy dog eyes & kept looking at the test, like she was waiting to see that 2nd line. She finally looked at me, looked down, & shook her head no. She told me how sorry she was. She then kept looking at the test...like that line was just going to appear!

I joked with her, to let her know I would be ok...at that time she asked, if we had kids &when I said no, then wanted to know if we wanted kids. I had to give her the 5min run down on the last 10 years of my life...poor girl looked like I ran over her puppy!

Something wrong when I become so used to this, I am the one consoling the nurse!

Once that was over with..here came Dr. Phonebook. He just looked so defeated! Again, he apologized...he then felt that he was missing a puzzle piece...possibly he needed to look at more. He started going back through ALL my records...things just don't add up (story of my life)

I had my last round of test in late May, which led to my estrogen shot in June, 6 months to the day of my surgery. Now that I have had the shot & no AF since May...back for more bloodwork. He is really starting to think I am premenopausal. Everything my body says points to that...but my bloodwork doesn't point to it 100%....so I will go get more bloodwork, in the meantime, he will keep going over my records & looking into things & then I will go back in 4 weeks...until then, has anyone been diagnosed with premenopause?

Angel Wings

2011-07-27T19:44:00.000-04:00

My great grandmother passed today. She lived a long, amazing life & was ready to go at the age of 90.

I have been so blessed in my almost 30 years, as I have had 4 great grandparents be part of my life, along with all 4 of my grandparents & 6 amazing great aunts & uncles. How many people can say that?!

My great grandmother that passed away today was actually my step great grandma, but it never felt that way.

She has an amazing story & I really wanted to share it with you guys.

M was born blind. 90 years ago a lot of families would have put their child in a home & never looked back. Not only was she blind, so were all the siblings that came after her. When M was about 8 her parents put her on a bus & sent her to a school for the blind, 2 hours away from home. I cannot even imagine, but she did it & loved it! She came back that summer after her first year & begged her parents to send all the other siblings back with her the following year, as she knew this would be the chance to give them the education they deserved. It is so amazing to me how "ahead of their time" her parents were & how awesome that all the children were able to be educated, despite their disability.

At the age of 14 my great grandfather met M & they were married. My grandfather & his brother were both with their father & in came M. My grandfather was 10 years younger than his brother, so by the time M joined the family, my great uncle was in the army & never was really around her. My grandfather on the other hand was so blessed to have his M as his step mother. My grandfather & great uncle had a VERY rough childhood, as their father was very abusive to them. When M came to the family, she was able to protect my grandfather. She made sure he had manners & went to school, she made sure my great grandfather would stay away from him. Because of M my grandfather is one of the most kind, caring, gentle men you will ever meet.

It was always so funny to see how different my grandfather was from his brother. His brother was gone when M married their father, therefore he never got the "polishing" my grandfather got. Both boys loved their step mother deary!

Because of M, my grandfather wanted to better himself & pass that along to his family..I truly have so much to be thankful for when it comes to her. If she had not helped my grandfather, my life could have been so very different.

M never let her blindness stop her from anything! But because of it, she had the memory of a tack! I was always so amazed by what she could do by her sense of smell, hearing, etc. No matter how many years could go by & I had not see her, as soon as she heard my voice, she knew it was me. She even knew there was going to be an LP & would ask my grandfather about LP when they talked on the phone.

She was a spit fire & I will end my story about her on a funny note that makes me smile every time I think of it.

M liked her liquor & she liked it STRONG. The more hair it could grow on your chest, the better she liked it. One day when my great uncle went to visit her at the nursing home, she asked him to take her to the liquor store, which of course was a big no no. So off they went..him on his walker, leading the blind lady! (can you imagine what the shop worker thought?!) I chuckle when I think of this...because this just shows how no matter how big or small the task, she was always up for it.

I can only hope that one day LP can look back on my grandparents, their great grandparents, with fond memories such as me. I have such special memories with all of my 4 great grandparents & have truly been so blessed to have them in my life.

Wordless Wednesday-New Beginnings Wanted

2011-07-27T06:09:00.000-04:00

Spelling

2011-07-24T14:24:00.001-04:00

This blog may sound bitchy & I am sorry for that..I will go ahead & apologize before I start! I am not writing this to sound rude...rather, educate!

C-o-l-O-m-b-i-a

Yep, that is how you spell it..COLOMBIA. There is no U in the spelling of the country. When you put a U in place of the 2nd O, you are now talking about the clothing store.

More than anything it irks me that my family spells it wrong. I have tried multiple times to make it noted, in a nice way, but I do not know what to do anymore. I feel it is important to know how to spell the name of the country that LP will be from. I feel that if your new grandchild, great grandchild, etc will be from this country, the least you can do is learn how to spell it!

Please, no more U's! Only O's!! Say it with me...U equals shopping, O equals LP!!

So please, please, please...Spell It Right! It really does bother me when you don't :D

ICLW-July

2011-07-21T08:21:00.000-04:00

Welcome!! I decided to do something a be different this ICLW......Speed Dating!

Here is me in 60 seconds or less.

Q: Pets
A: A Yorkie, Kiso

Q: Favorite dessert
A: It's a tie between Creme Brulee & Tiramisu

Q: Married
A: 3.5 yrs

Q: Major
A: Communications

Q: Do you use your degree
A: I talk everyday...so I guess you could say so :D

Q: How would you spend 1 million dollars
A: Pay off my mortgage, buy a Jeep Wrangler, donate some and invest the rest

Q: Quirky thing about me
A: I have full conversations in my "semi-sleep/awakeness" (as my DH calls it) with my husband & never remember them

Q: Dream job
A: Dermatologist

Wordless Wednesday-Happy Colombian Independence Day

2011-07-20T12:38:00.002-04:00

Punished?

2011-07-13T20:46:00.000-04:00

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel like we are being punished for turning down Baby M & have kind of been pushed to the bottom of the list.

To say I was heart broken today is an understatement. When I heard we more than likely would not have a referral for LP until next year, October if we were lucky, I felt like a dagger wen through my heart. I have just had it in my head that LP would be home by Christmas. We were told a 9-12 month wait was normal, closer to the shorter side once we were offically on the list...so the holidays seemed so right & perfect. But noooo!

I know they are giving referrals, I know there was even an infant referred this month. So why not us?! We were told turning M down would not hurt us & would not put us at the bottom of the list, but it sure feels that way to me. If turning down M wasn't hard enough & something I still deal with...now this.

I could be wrong, I do not know if we are at the bottom, but we aren't at the top! I knew this wait would be hard, I knew it would not happen fast, but I just didn't realize how hard. It could be worse, this I know. I am lucky, we are on the list...we know LP will be coming. I guess, after Baby M, & hearing we could have gotten a referral as soon as the end of the same month (May) I got hopeful....I should have known better.

I know once LP is here, I will forget about all this & it will mean nothing. I just wish that time would hurry up & get here!

Wordless Wednesday-Zen

2011-07-13T07:49:00.000-04:00

Pour Your Heart Out

2011-07-12T09:16:00.000-04:00

This makes me nervous to say, but it is true!

I am ok with never having biological children. Yep, I said it. I am ok with it! I do not feel like I am missing out on anything, I do not wish to be pregnant; long to be pregnant. I do not get sad that I will not feel a child kick me while they grow, I do not feel I like I am missing out.

LP is my child, I have no doubt about it. LP did not have to grow in me to be my child. When it boils down to it, I am not mad at infertility for making it to where the DH & I cannot have biological children....this was the path we were meant to be on.

I am ok with it all!

Colombian Song & Dance

2011-07-09T19:24:00.001-04:00

The Smithsonian us having a fork festival & 1 of the 3 booths is Colombia. The DH & I have so enjoyed this! Here is some song & dance & I must say it made me teary to see how they loved theie culture so & how much I cannot wait for LP

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0

Wordless Wednesday-Rest

2011-07-06T06:30:00.000-04:00

Ugh

2011-07-04T21:15:00.000-04:00

I am starting to feel better...a bit more like me. Last week was ROUGH! I am not sure what my deal was. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, I felt like everything was crumbling around me. I was and am tired of waiting. I am stressed at work. I hate what infertility has done to me. I feel alone. All this hit at once.

My mom was great enough to recognize all this & see I needed to step away...therefore my DH & I will be getting away for a long weekend this week, thanks to my parents.

I know it will be ok, it always is. I know I will feel better, I know I can do this...

Worldess Wednesday-Beautiful Disaster

2011-06-29T07:24:00.000-04:00

2011-06-26T10:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like a bad blogger, I don't have much to say; or rather there is so much to say just about everything going on in my life, I have no idea where to start.......

Tired of Waiting

2011-06-20T17:56:00.000-04:00

Today has been a hard day. I feel like I'm tired of waiting, tired of wishing my phone would ring. I want to hear those words again "we have a baby for you." I want to hear those words & know this is OUR LP!

I feel like I have done nothing but put on this brave, strong, 'this wait isn't getting to me' face & I just cannot do it today.

My heart hurts! I want to be a mom, I want to know if LP is a boy or a girl. I want to be able to stop putting things on hold in our lives as we sit here & wait. I just want our baby home. I want to go for walks & bike rides & play at the park. I want to see LP & Kiso...I am ready.

I know when it comes down to it, our wait has not been that long, however we have already been in the adoption process for going on 3 years & I consider all of that somewhat of a wait.

I know I have to be patient. I know me getting upset is not going to bring LP to us any sooner....but today, I just needed to cry. I needed to be sad.

Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother

2011-06-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

I have been wanting to write about this book for a few weeks now & just have not had a chance...which is a real pity because this book is AMAZING & needs to be shared!

I read this book in one evening on my flight to Florida a few weeks ago, I just could not put it down.

If you are thinking of adopting, in the process or even already have adopted...then Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother is for you. It was so nice to read a book where the author did not hold anything back. There was no beating around the bush in this book. Anything you may have thought about when it comes to adoption, things you would never admit to thinking & so much more are talked about by this author.

For me it was a total page turner & really hit home sometimes. The other times I was just so amazed by the honesty & appreciating it all!

Have you read this book? What did you think? If you haven't read it...PLEASE do & then let me know what you think!

Shhh

2011-06-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

I feel like when it comes to adoption, I have been awful quiet. I have nothing to say...no news, no nothing. I wish I had some news, I wish I had something to share!

Ever since we had to write our letter turning Baby M down, we have not heard anything from our agency. We do not know where we stand or what is going on, but we are hopeful. We really feel like we will have our referral for LP this summer, but only time will tell.

In the meantime, I am busy looking at all kinds of toys, bibs, etc for LP. It's so hard not to buy things, but it's so hard when you don't know the sex or age. I am just so very ready for LP to have a face. I just really want LP to just be a sweet nickname & finally be able to use the name(s) we have picked out.

So on the adoption front, I feel boring...I feel just blah when it comes to blogging about it.

The Story Of My Lofe

2011-06-10T22:20:00.000-04:00

I know, I know...everything happens for a reason, at least that is what they say! I must say though..I am TIRED of hearing it, I am TIRED of saying it!

Right now I feel like I am in the "hard part" & trying to figure out why. I feel like nothing has been easy for the DH & I! From work to kids & everything in between! I am just tired! Just once I want something to go our way & us not feel like we are fighting for whatever.

I guess I am just being Debbie Downer & feel the need to rant. I wish I could go into more details, but sadly...right now I cant...until then...F&*K!

Wordless Wednesday-How I Feel Right Now

2011-06-08T01:46:00.000-04:00

Broken Hearted

2011-06-07T22:25:00.000-04:00

I am so broken hearted right now.

Infertility is so cruel, it's so unfair! I hate how it can ruin all that is going well in somebody's life in the blink of an eye.

Seeing 2 fellow IFers deal with loosing their babies way to soon absolutely breaks my heart.

If you are on Twitter, please send MaternalTurtle & LeLeIsMe lots of love, hugs, & thoughts!

The fact that 3 babies were lost in 2 days seems so unfair...the universe is totally sucking right now! I should not have to see this happen to ladies I care about! Infertility can kiss my ass right now!

Please keep these 2 in your thoughts tomorrow!

Wordless Wednesday-All Of This Is...

2011-06-01T06:29:00.000-04:00

Money Sucks (like that title?!)

2011-05-31T21:21:00.000-04:00

Sadly, as we all know, money does not grow on trees; or at least not in my yard! If you have one, or know of one, would you mind sharing your tree??

My DH & I were talking this afternoon, & this is not the first we have touched on this subject...the subject of how many kids & money.

I hate that LP isn't even here yet & I worry about if there will be a 2nd baby. I worry about the money for a sibling for LP. I think about all we would have to go through again for another baby.

I've always wanted 2 kids. I have a brother & it always just seemed right. I have always wanted 1 of each.

My dad is an only child & I remember when we were children & my brother & I would fight & he thought it was weird & there was something wrong with us. Fast forward to now & I see my dad dealing with his parents, as they age, as an only child & it's sad.

I have nothing against only children, but I just always felt it was not for me. I always just knew, 2 kids was good for me.

Here I am though, as we get closer to LP & closer to our lives changing & I wonder...is there a way we can afford a 2nd child? Yes, at this moment we can, however, in the long run would we be able to provide LP with all we want to? I want LP to travel the world with us & go to the college of his/her choice. I want the world for LP & want to be able to give that!

I worry, will LP understand if we do not adopt a sibling? Will he or she be mad that they do not have a brother or sister or somebody like them?

All these questions & more run through my head. I just want to make the right decision...but is there ever a right decision?

What did you do? How did you know it was right?

Fill in the Blank Friday

2011-05-27T21:14:00.000-04:00

I saw this over at Suzy's Blog, Not a Fertile Myrtle & thought it was cute, so here you go!

1. If I could get away somewhere for the weekend I would go on a cruise and I would bring my DH, bathing suit, Kindle & iPod

2. Something I often rant about is work, how unfair infertility can be, & crappy weather

3. One item I need to have in my fridge at all time is onions, because I love them & feel they go in everything

4. My "life-saving" product is does Starbucks count?! If not it, then Burt's Beeswax chapstick

5. A friend is someone who you can call, text, or tweet any time of the night or day and they are there for you. even if it's just to listen, hold your hand, let you vent, or read about your trials and tribulations. someone who is there for you unconditionally! (good answer Suzy)

6. If I could write my own blank it would be I honestly have no idea! LOL

7. My favorite kind of art is dancing, no questions asked, hands down

The Good & the Painfully Awkward

2011-05-26T22:22:00.000-04:00

So this week has been the week of pediatrician appointments. Thank goodness we only had to go to 2, I am not sure after today I could have taken anymore.

I will be honest, the appointment we had yesterday, from my interaction with them before hand, I was ify on them. I could have cared less about appointment #1 I had a good feeling about #2.

I had heard great things about #1 & figured I would give them a shot, even though I thought their receptionist were awful!

So anyway, the DH & I get to the first ped. & I notice right away, they have cute murals in the waiting area, a well & sick side, they had the DH & I fill out paperwork in case we were to choose them (that is confident) We were not there very long before the Dr herself came & got us from the waiting room. As we walked through the office she showed us the rooms, the lab, etc. All the nurses were VERY nice & talking with the DH & I. We went to a room, which was all done in Ohio State (major score for me). The Dr. was so cute, she must be so used to kids, she sat on a little foot stool the entire time she talked with the DH & I. She wanted to know all about our adoption, she told about her international adoption experience, etc. It was easy, she spoke with us for about 15 mins, answered any questions we had & then showed us the specialist in the office. They have a pediatric cardiologist, nutritionist, psychologist, & audiologist.

We left that office & felt good. She was even nice enough to talk to us about traveling to Colombia & what she recommended for us, shot wise, etc. She said she would hate for us to travel & have problems of our own. You could just tell she was very genuine.

Fast forward to today's appointment.... Now, keep in mind that I was excited about this appointment. The receptionist were VERY nice, they were very confident when I asked about international adoption, I just had a great feeling. We get to the office & I notice right away that there is no well & sick side; whammy #1! There were no murals, no pictures...no personality. You are dealing with kids, you have to have a little something!

So after sitting in the waiting area for about 10 minutes, a nurse came & got us & took us to a room. When we walked into the room, there was an overwhelming smell of like hand sanitizer that was enough to knock you on the floor. I already had a headache, so this was not helping! As we sat in the exam room...for 20 minutes..I looked around & even mentioned to the DH that I did not feel that exam room was as clean as the office yesterday. Again, there was NOTHING in this room to keep the child entertained, to look at or anything.

Finally after over 20 minutes the Dr walks in. This is where I wish I had pulled out my phone & just started to video tape all of this. I do not feel there is anyway to truly get across this entire appointment without you actually being there.

The Dr. walks in & he has what looks like a huge dust patch on his dark paints & a smudge so huge on his glasses that I have no idea how he can see. He proceeds to FLOP down on a stool & ask about us. Wants to know where we are from, etc. He then proceeds to tell us he went to the local Catholic high school, but married a none Catholic & didn't want their kids going there, so they went to the public high school I did. He then tells us they even wanted a say in how they were raised. After this he tells us this he goes on to nonchalantly tell us how long he has been in practice. This whole time he is still just flopped on this stool.

He then ask me WHERE I AM DELIVERING! WHAT?!? A) I DO NOT look pregnant B) Did you not pay attention to anything we told the receptionist or our notes?? Ok, so I let it pass, although I am sure the look on my face was that of shock. By this point the appointment has gone from awkward to VERY awkward. I tell him we are adopting from Colombia. Now what he tells us that he has dealt with international adoption & even had 2 kids from China with lead poisoning. That you have to be able to look for other things...but he has never seen malaria & may not know what it looked like...WHAT?!?

Ok, by this point I want out of this room...there are long, weird silences & my skin is crawling! I keep looking at the DH & you can tell he is dying to.

This is where the doctor really gets good! He talks about how you never know what you are going to get with a child & we are the same way. He goes on to tells us that his one son now his diabetes & he wouldn't have wanted that & I quote you, "but what, would we have aborted because of that, you wouldn't want to abort"

What??? Abortion...ok, get me out of this room! By this point I am looking at the DH & going, well, I think you have answered all of our questions, do you have any?? Like maybe this weird ass doctor would get the point. I must have said this 4 times, because he wasn't catching on.

Finally I just got up & said, ok, we have to go now! I walked out, I just couldn't take it anymore. I literally ran out of that office because I was going to bust out laughing.

Of course, we started thinking of all the things we could have said, that is how it always is after the fact. Like when he asked where I was delivering, I should have started crying & said "see, I told you I was fat."

But wow! I cannot imagine anyone meeting with this guy & thinking, you know, he is a great doctor, I want to come back to him!

I mean, I think we knew a lot of what he was trying to say with certain things, but he sure didn't have a way of saying it properly.

After today, we cannot do anymore, because if we have to sit in a small exam room & go through what we did today again...we may go crazy!

We really liked the one yesterday & this guy just made us like her even more....so we made our decision!!

Wordless Wednesday-Overwhelmed

2011-05-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

Breastfeeding

2011-05-22T19:58:00.001-04:00

I have always been a fan of breastfeeding & of all the things I felt like I was missing out on with adoption, this was #1. It wasn't even so much the experience of it all, as it was the good for the baby.

You may or may not have read this post back in February, where I shared that I wanted to try to at least pump, if not breastfeed LP. I had done my research, I had talked to people...it was possible, I could do it.

I have however, had more time to really sit & think about it, along with talking with others & I am starting to realized I have A LOT working against me.

*The fact that I have PCOS makes is harder to produce milk, whammy #1.
*Strike number 2 is the age that LP will be. I always knew that LP probably wouldn't breastfeed because of his/her age, but then I got thinking, it may even be time to ween from bottles. Also, the nutrients needed from the breastmilk are not as needed by the age LP will be once home.

There are a lot of other reasons, but I will not bore you with them all. It breaks my heart, it really does...but in the long run, I know this will be the best for both LP & I.

I can honestly say that this, out of everything I will be missing from not being able to have a child is that I will not breastfeed.

ICLW

2011-05-21T21:23:00.000-04:00

It's nice to be back at ICLW, I have missed it the past couple of months!

If you are new here, here is the background info on the DH & I

Just a quick fill in on what has been going on....

2 weeks ago I had a lump removed from my breast that the Dr has been watching for over a year & was not getting better...only larger

3 weeks ago we turned down a referral for a little girl, which has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The good news that came from this was that we are only waiting with 10 other families for our age group. It could be as soon as the end of this month that we get another referral.

We have also had our baby shower & it is so unreal to be how loved LP already is!

Other that those 2 things, just enjoying the spring & ready for summer! I think this summer is going to bring big things for us!

Thanks for stopping by!!

Why My Pictures?

2011-05-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

Why did I post those pictures earlier for Wordless Wednesday? I wanted to show my readers why it is soooo very important to do you self exams. I will be the first to admit I was not good at them. I liked to tell the dr I was, but that was a lie! This was a scare...this was a scare that nobody should have to deal with. Had this been cancer, it may have been too far along for me, who knows?

I am now lump free....It hurt, not going to tell you it didn't. The week after picture does not even full show the bruising....but you know, I'm here, I am ok, I am lucky!

I promise to my readers, I will be regular with my self breast exams from here on out....won't you promise too??

Wordless Wednesday-Why You Self Check graphic warning

2011-05-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

Few hours after surgery

Week after surgery

Dear 16 Year Old Me

2011-05-17T07:47:00.000-04:00

This has nothing to do with adoption or infertility, however it's VERY touching, moving & oh so important. Coming from somebody that has watched 3 close family members deal with this disease, I know how important it is to be checked...please, take a moment to watch this powerful video!

Day 10-Last Day

2011-05-14T08:39:00.000-04:00

The last day of the 10 challenge. It is one picture...of me!

2 Songs on Day 9

2011-05-13T08:24:00.002-04:00

2 songs:

1) Landslide
2) Adia

Hiding

2011-05-12T15:26:00.000-04:00

I've been hiding behind my post this week. I had this 10 day post set & scheduled before everything even went down last week, so needless to say, the timing could not have been more perfect.

I think I have hid behind these post, using them as the though they were truly me posting & not dealing with all that was going on. Not writing about things I did not want to deal with.

A week ago today we said no to Baby M. Now that I know her name, I will refer to her as Baby M. Here I am, a week later, officially signing our letter & turning her down. Saying it's heartbreaking is an understatement. It has gotten better over the past week, but it is still hard. I hurt for M. I hurt for me. I hurt for what may have been.

I have a picture in my head...of what I think she looks like. I picture this little beauty & I smile. I know she will be making some other family VERY happy & she will be their "missing piece."

I felt wrong on Sunday having a baby shower & celebrating. I felt bad that it was not a shower where we announced that we having a girl & what her name was. I will say that the shower was a great distraction & did help me forget for a bit!

M will always have a place for her in my heart. I know what we did was right, I know my LP is still out there & once I get to hold him/her, I will understand why M was not my baby.

I've also been hiding from my surgery on Monday.

I'm angry...I'm mad that I'm 29 & dealing with things no 29 year should have to. I'm mad that on top of not having children, I now have a 4" scar across my boob. Now, do not get my wrong, I am SO VERY THANKFUL that (as of now) it is not cancerous & it could always be worse. I know I shouldn't be pissed, but I am.

I am mad that I wasn't able to make it through the year without having a surgery. I am mad that this hurts a hell of a lot worse than I thought it would & actually think it makes a lap look like a walk in the park (sad, I know).

I'm tired, so I'm hiding.

But I have to keep remembering that things are going to turn around. LP will be home soon, I will not have to worry about this lump anymore....things will calm down!

Day 7

2011-05-12T08:22:00.001-04:00

It's day 7 already & that means 3 films.

1) Splash
2) Garden State
3) Father of the Bride