Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Feeling Different

The majority of the time I do not think about not having kids & how different it makes me from other women my age...but the more I am ready to be a mom, the more I realize how truly different I am from those around me.

More & more I have nothing in common with those around me...unless you a good amount younger.

For example, last night I went to a work out class. There was actually only 2 of us in the class & the other girl (who is a year younger than me) I actually knew. So I knew I was older than her & I had NO doubt I was older than the instructor. This was both my first time in this class & the girl I knew...so you know how it is, small talk between you & the teacher happens. Of course question #1 was 'do you have kids?' The teacher had a 2 year old & the other girl a 6 month old...then it came to me. Of course my answer was no...& it truly hit me, I know Im older than both you & I don't have a kid. Their conversation went on about kids almost the entire hour class & I had nothing to say..other than 'I have a dog, he thinks he is a kid.'

Women my age talk about preschool, the first day of school, diapers, etc...I don't.

I don't like to think I am that different from those around me, but I am. That 'common' bond most women have...well, I don't have it. I even had a lady remind me of this the other day. She told me how I wouldn't understand this or that until I had kids...without kids, I cannot truly understand. Gee, thanks.

I guess as 32 starts peeking it's head over the horizon, I realize how different I am...I keep getting older, but I still do not have a kid....I should have like 3 by now, especially at my employees standards :/

Thursday, August 8, 2013

No Biological Children

I have been trying to figure out what to say...how to put this into written words.

It has been almost a week since we went back to the reproductive urologist to talk more about the DH's test results. We felt we wanted to learn more about this before spending more money & doing more test.

Now keep in mind, Ive known since I was 19 I would have a hard time getting pregnant & we have known about my DH's problem for over 4 years...so we knew we had a lot going against us. When we decided to look into IVF a few months ago after all this time..I dont know if it was so we could get final answers, if we felt we would actually have a shot or what..but we did it.

Long story short the Dr was great, he was blunt & didnt beat around the bush (which is great for the DH & I). For the 'gold' option we would go to Cornell University & G would have a 3-4 hour surgery & I would do my cycle up there as well. With this surgery they would go through every last inch of tissue looking for sperm. We would then do IVF & with this we would have less than a 25% chance of coming home with a child. The cost of this one is INSANE! The surgery for my DH would be 40k alone & no guarantee of sperm. Of course I would be ready & waiting for IVF, so if they found no sperm, IVF would be called off & we would have spend 40k for his balls to be split open (sorry for the detail)

The only option we have here with our Dr is where they would go in with 3 needles, at 3 different levels & try to get sperm...again, no guarantees. This would be a simple out patient procedure. We would have to time this all around my IVF cycle, as we are unable to freeze any sperm, if they find it. This option would be better financially, however we would have less than a 5% chance of bringing home a baby.

We also have a 100% chance of passing on the chromosome defect if the child is a boy. Of course the Dr said by the time our child would want to try to have children there would probably be things that could be done to work with the chromosome defect, but like G & I had already discussed...you cannot count on that. How do you knowingly pass along infertility?

So the Dr was honest when he said he did not feel it was going to work for us...he said for the money he would recommend adoption or donor sperm. No biological children for us. This is still hard to hear...it will always sting.

This was all something we really expected. It's nice to finally know. Finally know why we are the way we are. G now of course feels that he is more at fault...which is not the case at all. We are in this together...we are both defective :)

So here we are....we are for sure starting the adoption process back up! I am excited to become a mom..however that may happen.




 
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