Monday, January 7, 2013

When I Was 31....

"When I was 31, your mother was 13"....these words left on my voicemail yesterday after my birthday wish by my grandmother keep repeating in my head.

I know she did not mean anything by these...but as somebody that is not able to have children, this is not what I want to hear on my birthday or any day for that fact.

It seems like every time I think Im 'ok' something like this is said & it just sets me off. Maybe I was just sensitive because it was my bday & I wasnt getting any younger ;) But as I listened to this voicemail, sitting at dinner with my DH, I broke down into tears. Uncontrollable tears.

I sometimes feel like such a failure....my body has failed me in so many ways. My body has let me down in ways that most people never can imagine...from the IF, to having my spleen removed, PEs and so much more.

I know that I have no control over the cards I have been dealt..I know deep down I never did anything that gave me all these issues...but it can be hard.

So yeah, on a happier note..yesterday was my bday! I had a nice relaxing day...and a WONDERFUL surprise. Saturday afternoon when the doorbell rang (interrupting my nap) RNPhotoGirl was standing at my door!!! My DH & her had worked it out where she would drive down to surprise me for my bday. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me! We have become so close through this crappy IF journey & I have been truly blessed to meet this wonderful lady. The fact that she drove over 6 hours to spend like 24 with me is still overwhelming to me & makes me teary!

So minus the voicemail..I had a good birthday. I cannot believe I am 31, I swear I was just graduating HS! But I am determined to make this a good year (it doesnt take much to beat last)

4 comments:

  1. Gah. My mother told me something similar the day before my wedding. When I was your age, you were a 1 year old running around. I wasn't even married and apparently I was already off schedule.

    Happy Birthday! And if it makes you feel any better and I'm 34 and babyless so it could be worse. ;)

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  2. Happy belated birthday! Hearing stuff like that is so hard. I'm glad your birthday ended well.

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  3. You are not a failure. Not by any means. I hope that you know this. Being a parent is not a measure of success. Or failure. It's just a state of being - one that shouldn't define your status in life.

    Love you. And I'm so glad you had a wonderful birthday.

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  4. I totally get what you're saying. I have MS, unknown infertility, and an infertile hubby. I often feel like my body let me down. We did end up domestically adopting after 7 years. It can and will happen

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