Friday, December 27, 2013

Signing

So as I have mentioned, A is deaf. We do not know the extent of his deafness & will not until we get him here to the states. The test the run in his country do not tell the things doctors here need to really understand his deafness. It does not show pitch or anything, so we have no idea.

We have heard stories of child getting here to the US & their ears just needed a good cleaning because the wax build up was causing them not to be able to hear...but in our hearts, we feel he is profoundly deaf. After seeing videos of him, it is just a gut feeling and we are totally ok with that.

We fell in love with A the moment we saw him, before we even read his bio. The sparkle in his eye and his smile & we were hooked. Reading that he was deaf did not phase us in the slightest. We have always said we would be open to a deaf child.

I've always been interested in sign language. When I was in 2nd grade, I would walk around the house & act like I was signing as I talked. I have no idea where this came from, as I had never been around a deaf person. My parents then decided it would be a good idea to put me in a summer school sign language class. I remember having kids books on signing and watching things on TV, I was hooked. Unfortunately it did not start as a language at my high school until I was a senior, so I never took it then, but in college, I was able to. I was able to embrace the deaf community locally and really get involved. You have heard people say they love French or even Italian..they fall in love with the language & the culture...well, that was me with signing.

I loved that with sign language I was able to help deaf people when they least expected it. From a guy at a bar one night trying to order a drink or a family shopping. My husband was with me when I was able to assist the family shopping & he said that was really when he wanted to start learning & thinking more about a deaf child. He said the look of pure joy on the family's face when I started signing to them was priceless.

My mom is convinced that because of everything that drew me to signing I was always meant to learn to be A's mom. She says it was truly meant to be.

Just because I have taken classes, just because my husband & I continue to learn sign language, it does not mean it will be easy once A is home. He knows no sign language & gets by daily with gestures. I know he is smart though and I can only hope that once he starts to learn he will be so excited because he can finally communicate.

Maybe I was always supposed to be his mom....no, I know I was!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Holidays

Growing up the holidays were never that big of a deal. Work was so busy, we had so many birthdays & anniversaries to go along with them as well...in the span of 2 weeks we have my grandparents anniversary, my dad's birthday, Christmas, my birthday, my grandma's birthday and New Years. So when my husband came along & his birthday was the same day as my grandparents anniversary..it only made sense to add it to our crazy mix. Then we found A & well..his birthday too is in the mix, so why not!!

So with all of the happenings, everything really was never special...too much going on to make everything special. To me, the holidays are just a few days off in the craziness that I can finally relax & catch up on sleep. This year however, this year is totally different.

I get teary just writing this. It's hard...it's so hard not having our little man home with us. Our first Christmas since becoming parents & he is not here with us. He will also be turning 3 & we will not be there to celebrate with him.

For a time of year that normally just meant craziness to me, it has a whole new meaning & damnit, that meaning is making it hard for me. I cannot wait to have him home & make the holidays different than they ever were for me. I want everything to be magical...special, not crazy. I am so giddy about the holidays next year...but until then, I will cry. I will be sad he isnt here.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Moving Along

This is the 'story of our lives' right now...moving along.

The house build is moving along, the adoption is kind of moving along...we are going day to day, moving along, trying to get closer to bringing our son home.

We got 3 short videos a few weeks ago. Needless to say, it took me a few days before I could watch & not bawl my eyes out. The video made him see so much more real to me. He is happy & smiling, so joyful. I also bawled because you can see the love between him & his foster mother. It breaks my heart to know that his he will be taken from the only mother he has ever know, that his little world will be rocked to the core. But I see how he loves her & I can only hope that one day he will be like this again, with us.

These videos showed us that he knows no sign language, rather communicates through gestures....lots of thumbs up. He does make noises however when he gets happy & is proud of what he has done. The sparkle in his eyes...oh my! I could go on forever about his cuteness...but I will save you :)

They orphanage in China has also taken him in for more hearing test. The test results they have provided however do our doctor here in the US no good, as it does not show pitches, etc. So we will not know the extent of his deafness until we get him home.

As I said, we are moving along...well, as a couple we are! We have all our dossier paperwork done & back from the Chinese consulate. However, the state is NOT moving along. We have now been waiting for our child abuse clearance for over 7 weeks. We need these in order to officially be done with our homestudy & start our USCIS for the I800. When we did the clearances previously, it took a week...2 max.

We only have 6 months total to do everything for China...so now at 7 weeks waiting for this, it is really eating away at precious time. My grandfather has always been big about writing your congressman...that is what he is there for he has always told me, so I took his advice. Yesterday, I did it, I wrote our congressman...& wouldnt you know, they wrote back right away! They are talking to the agency that does the clearances as we speak, so finger crossed!

I know this is a lot of thrown together thoughts...but just wanted to get them out. I need to write more about the 'special needs' adoption & his deafness....but that will need to wait for now.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Hi ICLW Peeps!

Hello! Welcome to my blog :) It's been a few months since I have done an ICLW & wow do I have some news if this is your first time here or you haven't been here in a while!

Want to learn about our loooooong journey? Click here to check out our timeline. Want the cliff note version?! WE ARE PARENTS!!

As of September 20th, we have been the parents to an adorable little boy in China :D All the twist & turns have brought us to exactly where we need to be...this little guys mom & dad. We have sped through our homestudy & dossier & are hopeful of traveling in the spring to bring our little guy home.

Random facts about our adoption journey:
1) I knew from the minute I saw him that he was our son...no questions about it
2) He is deaf
3) I consider this our unplanned adoption. We were not planning on adopting until we got in our new home & settled, but I wouldn't change this for the world.
4) Our son will now add to my family's craziness of birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. He will be the 6th birthday in a 2 week period!

Thanks for stopping by!!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Fundraising

We are doing a fundraiser to help bring our little boy home. If you love coffee, know somebody that does or even looking for holiday gifts, check out our page here. Just Love Coffee Roasters has a great variety of coffees & I love how they help people do fundraising for all different reasons.

If you go through our store front from the link above or even the link on my home page, a percentage of everything sold goes directly to bringing A home.

If you have any questions please feel free to contact me. Also, if you are in need of a fundraiser yourself, check out Just Love Coffee

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Stairway to Heaven

I have not talked about it much yet, however our son is deaf (more coming in upcoming post). We are not adopting him because he is deaf. We are not adopting him due to his 'special need.' We are adopting him because the moment we saw him, we knew. We knew he was meant to be our son. He had a twinkle in his eye & his smile...we just knew. We would be adopting him no matter if he could hear or not.

We do not feel the need to tell people he is deaf, as it doesn't matter to us. If they ask if he speaks English, we will then tell him, but other than that...we do not 'advertise.' I prefer not to tell people, because it seems as soon as they do..the praising starts.

We have been told we are building a stairway to heaven, that we are angels...you name it, we have heard it. This may sound wrong...but I HATE it. I am not doing this to be a 'saint.' His hearing does not change the way I felt about him when I first saw him. His hearing does not change the way we will parent him...he will have every opportunity we would have given a hearing child...we are not doing this for a gold star, a free pass at the pearly gates, whatever you want to call it. I don't want the praise, I do not want to hear about how amazing we are. We are not! We are just a couple that fell in love with a boy & knew he was the missing piece to our family.

I had heard people talk about how others would say things like this when they just said they were adopting & I knew it would be annoying, but I had no idea just how much it would bother me. I had no idea how 'bad' it would be because we were adopting a waiting child.

If I were giving birth to a child & he happened to be deaf, nobody would be telling me I am building my stairway to heaven, so why now?!

I am just me...I am just A's mom. I am nobody special because of who my son is. But I do not think the comments will get better. Am I wrong to be so annoyed by them?!

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Update

We got our first update on our lil man last night. (we will all him A)

I cannot get over how fast he is growing already! I feel like he is losing his baby fat cheeks & they cut his hair, he looks like a lil grown up man. He is so tall too..the 95% tile for US babies his age, so a tall guy. I cried when I saw his pictures. I already feel like I am missing out on so much & he is literally growing up before my eyes.

They say he likes to hold paper towel rolls & act like he is singing; imitating what he sees on TV. He also picks up after his foster sister...a child after my own heart, HA! They say next month they will take video of him, so I cannot wait for that.

We already have 2 of our 4 homestudies done & will be doing the last 2 all next week. We also have finished getting all our dossier paperwork & already have some of it at the consulate. Hoping to have the rest to the consulate in the next 2 weeks. At this rate the dossier will be done in a month..meaning it only took us 2 months! We are going as fast as we can...we want A home!



Thursday, October 17, 2013

Fast Forward

We are on super fast mode to get our lil man home. The thought of having him in another country one day longer than he has to be breaks our heart. So it has not even been a month since we decided to adopt this little sweet heart & we already have done all our homestudy paperwork & had our first visit. We have 3 more visits to do & have them all scheduled & will be done with them by November first. So that means 1 visit next week and 2 visits the week after that. We are already over half way done with our dossier paperwork as well...so we are chugging right along.

My head is still spinning & there are days that I look at his picture & cannot believe he is my son. Even a month and a half ago, I could have never imagined I would be in this spot, working on everything to bring my son home.

So nuts, but I love it. I love seeing our families so excited & I love the way G lights up when he talks about him. (I'm totally understanding this 'your husband is so sexy as a dad' thing!)

Our goal is to have everything done & in for the dossier by January. Originally it was February...but the way it's going, we now thing January is plenty of time!!!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

How we became parents!

So yea, things have all happened faster than I ever could have imagined!!

On September 9th I did something I do a few times a month-checking out waiting children's lists. I figured this would be like any other look I had made in the past...I see cute kids, one may stand out more than another, but no child would ever catch my eye enough to inquire on.

Not so this time! There was this little guy...his smile & eyes lit up the picture. He caught my eye right away. I read his bio & noticed he was deaf, however that did not phase me at all. I saved the link to his page, but thought...no, this isnt the right time, we do not even have a house, nobody will let us adopt in the middle of building a house. At lunch I decided to mention something to G about this little guy & show him the information. He was like what are you waiting for?? Mind you, he has never said this before. I still sat on it a bit. Then I sent my mom the link & she too was like go for it!

I kept worrying about the house stuff, but was like, what the heck...what is the worst that can happen? They say no. So I put in for more information on this little man. A day later they called me, however I missed the call. Once I heard the voicemail, the nerves kicked in..I could not believe this was happening, we were actually talking about a child.

I called the social worker back & after a 30 minute conversation, I knew in my heart that this was my son. I went to G with all the information they provided me with at the time & got working on our application with the agency so that we could receive all his medical records. 2 days later we received his medical records...this began a week of insanity!!!

We started with a friend of ours that spoke Chinese. We asked him to check the records & make sure the translation we had received was indeed correct. We then sent them on to our GP just to see what he thought & if it would be worth taking on to Cincinnati Children's International Adoption program. The GP saw what we did...a healthy child, just hard of hearing.

Last Friday, the 20th we were off work & literally attached at the hip as we awaited the call from Cincinnati Children's. We had sent his records over 2 days before so that they may look over everything. We were told the dr. would call between 11:30-4. This meant we did everything together waiting for this call. I wanted a smoothie...G went with me :) Finally about 12:30 we were tired of sitting in our little apt & decided to go to the outlet mall. We figured that if the dr. called this would be a place that was easy to walk out & set on a bench somewhere.

At 1:45, when we were almost to the mall, the dr called! The next 40 minutes were spent in the car, in the mall parking lot speaking with the dr. After going over any concerns we may have had & a bunch of little things here & there, she ended her call by saying: 'hang up the phone & call the agency right away, do not lose this little guy!'

See, we had found out the day before that another couple had requested his records. You know that feeling when you have your first real heartbreak & you think you just felt your heart actually break in half?? That was the feeling I had when I found this out. In my heart, I knew this little guy was meant to be my son & the thought of something happening killed me.

We hung up the phone with the dr., looked at each other & started crying. It was all coming together...everything was starting to make sense, he was always meant to be our son. I called the agency right away & left a message, followed by an email. Within moments our email started 'blowing' up with emails from different people at the agency. They stated they would be accepting no further applications on this little guy & would start moving forward with us.

Saturday was spent filling out some paperwork for him, to make sure we were indeed suitable parents for him. After going through our paperwork, we received a call on Monday evening congratulating us on being parents...us parents!!!

Now we start the paperwork & homestudy process. We are trying to do everything as fast as possible because we want this little guy home with us!! 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Go Check Out My Time Line!

Sorry, not tons of time to blog right now..but you can get the idea of what is going on from my timeline here!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Thoughts

We have found a little boy that is a waiting child...we are meeting with doctors tomorrow to go over his records & hoping everything looks good. Please send good thoughts & hopefully if all goes well...I can write with more details at a later date :)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Feeling Different

The majority of the time I do not think about not having kids & how different it makes me from other women my age...but the more I am ready to be a mom, the more I realize how truly different I am from those around me.

More & more I have nothing in common with those around me...unless you a good amount younger.

For example, last night I went to a work out class. There was actually only 2 of us in the class & the other girl (who is a year younger than me) I actually knew. So I knew I was older than her & I had NO doubt I was older than the instructor. This was both my first time in this class & the girl I knew...so you know how it is, small talk between you & the teacher happens. Of course question #1 was 'do you have kids?' The teacher had a 2 year old & the other girl a 6 month old...then it came to me. Of course my answer was no...& it truly hit me, I know Im older than both you & I don't have a kid. Their conversation went on about kids almost the entire hour class & I had nothing to say..other than 'I have a dog, he thinks he is a kid.'

Women my age talk about preschool, the first day of school, diapers, etc...I don't.

I don't like to think I am that different from those around me, but I am. That 'common' bond most women have...well, I don't have it. I even had a lady remind me of this the other day. She told me how I wouldn't understand this or that until I had kids...without kids, I cannot truly understand. Gee, thanks.

I guess as 32 starts peeking it's head over the horizon, I realize how different I am...I keep getting older, but I still do not have a kid....I should have like 3 by now, especially at my employees standards :/

Thursday, August 8, 2013

No Biological Children

I have been trying to figure out what to say...how to put this into written words.

It has been almost a week since we went back to the reproductive urologist to talk more about the DH's test results. We felt we wanted to learn more about this before spending more money & doing more test.

Now keep in mind, Ive known since I was 19 I would have a hard time getting pregnant & we have known about my DH's problem for over 4 years...so we knew we had a lot going against us. When we decided to look into IVF a few months ago after all this time..I dont know if it was so we could get final answers, if we felt we would actually have a shot or what..but we did it.

Long story short the Dr was great, he was blunt & didnt beat around the bush (which is great for the DH & I). For the 'gold' option we would go to Cornell University & G would have a 3-4 hour surgery & I would do my cycle up there as well. With this surgery they would go through every last inch of tissue looking for sperm. We would then do IVF & with this we would have less than a 25% chance of coming home with a child. The cost of this one is INSANE! The surgery for my DH would be 40k alone & no guarantee of sperm. Of course I would be ready & waiting for IVF, so if they found no sperm, IVF would be called off & we would have spend 40k for his balls to be split open (sorry for the detail)

The only option we have here with our Dr is where they would go in with 3 needles, at 3 different levels & try to get sperm...again, no guarantees. This would be a simple out patient procedure. We would have to time this all around my IVF cycle, as we are unable to freeze any sperm, if they find it. This option would be better financially, however we would have less than a 5% chance of bringing home a baby.

We also have a 100% chance of passing on the chromosome defect if the child is a boy. Of course the Dr said by the time our child would want to try to have children there would probably be things that could be done to work with the chromosome defect, but like G & I had already discussed...you cannot count on that. How do you knowingly pass along infertility?

So the Dr was honest when he said he did not feel it was going to work for us...he said for the money he would recommend adoption or donor sperm. No biological children for us. This is still hard to hear...it will always sting.

This was all something we really expected. It's nice to finally know. Finally know why we are the way we are. G now of course feels that he is more at fault...which is not the case at all. We are in this together...we are both defective :)

So here we are....we are for sure starting the adoption process back up! I am excited to become a mom..however that may happen.




Sunday, July 21, 2013

ICLW July

Hi everyone! Haven't done this in a bit, so it's nice to be back :)

If you are new to my blog, take a look here for my full time line. This will pretty much give our full, very long history! It's been a rocky, bumpy, twisting road...but we are getting there!

In the meantime, something a bit fun after reading all that history stuff...4 random facts about me (because I know you were dying to know)

1) I just got 5" of my hair cut off. First real haircut in a year & a half
2) My dog was named after a mountain range in Japan
3) I tend to be anal about stupid things...like all the light switches have to be in the same direction
4) People tend to not believe how old I am...I still get carded (I'm in my 30s)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Y Chromosome

Yep, good ole Y chromosome, this is why my husband is infertile...he has a defect. From the research we have done online there are 3 types of Y chromosome defects. 2 of these can be worked with & are still fine for IVF, 1 is not. Here is the kicker though...this defect has a VERY high chance of being passed on to a child & making that kid infertile as well.

How do you knowingly pass something on to your child that has caused you so much pain? I know by the time our child is older technology will be different, IF probably will be a thing of the past..but still. What if we pass on infertility and more? How can we do that?

We are going to still do another SA test here in a few weeks & then go back to the reproductive urologist to learn more about this defect, but I think we have pretty much made up our mind.

IVF was short lived for us...we are ok with this. We knew something may come up & it would be a possibility we could not try IVF. We are disappointed, but we will be ok. We now have answers, so that is nice...for years we did not know.

Now how was my hubby so lucky to get this? We will never know...but it is what it is.

Adoption has never been a 2nd best for us. So the plan is to start back on the adoption path next year.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Positive Thinking

I read that if you think positively about getting pregnant & treatments working, it will help. Not sure how true this is, but I am sure trying to live this motto!

This past week has been a whirlwind since our doctors appointment last week. I did not hear anything on my bloodwork, which they said no news was good news...so maybe my body is actually working like it should for once. We now have the DH's appointment coming up next week....man, how I hope this goes well.

The few people IRL that know about what we are doing are the only ones I can say these 'crazy' things to, like 'oh, I cannot drink at your bachelortte party, Ill be pregnant' or 'I need to look into possible bigger cars, because once we have a baby, my car will be too small.' I wont lie, I slightly feel nutty saying things like this after so many years & will feel really nutty if this doesnt work...but I am trying, I have to believe. But I also know that no matter if IVF works or not, I can still say things like the car thing because I will be a mom...somehow.

I hope the positive thinking helps, I really do..but at the same time, if it did, wouldn't we all be parents?!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

New RE

So we met with a new RE yesterday. Now let me start by saying I loved my last RE, I just cannot see making the drive to another state if we are doing treatments. With that being said, we decided something closer would be better. After meeting this doctor, I am totally ok with this decision, as I really liked him.

We talked about our options..which we pretty much already knew. 1) See if my DH has sperm & do IVF with ICSI or 2) IUI or IVF with donor. Of course the Dr. (we will call him Smilie) said nothing with the DH would matter if I did not look good. So after talking a bit it was test time.

He was easily able to find my ovary, which he was very pleased with because that meant there was not scar tissue (or at least much). He then took a look at my remaining ovary & I am pleased to say, looked GREAT! Had follicles & everything...that is right, I have a good ovary, GO ME! Then it was uterus time & I do believe the exact words were 'it's beautiful & amazing!' Never thought I would hear words like this when it came to my inners since for so long they have been so crappy.

I really feel that once I had my left ovary & tube removed & then dealt with the spleen stuff that things have been getting better. My periods have been regular for the first time in my life, I feel good, my pain is pretty much gone...I am hoping that removing all that was like getting rid of the bad & now what is left can do what it needs to.

I then had some blood work done, which I will find the results of next week..just to make sure that the ovary was indeed as good as it looked.

So since I looked good it's on to a male infertility urologist. We will be going to this guy on the 7th. We will see what he says & go from there.

Fingers crossed. It is just still so nuts to me that the Dr. Smilie was pleased with me & we are actually thinking about this..if we find swimmers, we are a go...NUTS!

I truly never thought I would be here. 5 years ago I would have never imagined that our path would have brought us here. We are still looking into adoption, but we both feel we need to give this a try, just once, just to see.

Friday, May 17, 2013

More Changes

I hate how much money plays a part of everyone's IF journey...it really makes the whole situation a lot more unfair than it already is.

Looking further into surrogacy information, all the things that go along with it & cost has been a HUGE eye opener for me. I mean, I knew it would be a big process & cost a decent amount..but I truly had NO idea when it came to the cost. We are lucky because it is a tad cheaper due to it being a known surrogate & not using an agency, but still..WOW! After speaking with the RE we wish to go with & getting deeper into the cost, I find myself shying away from it. I have a very hard time swallowing the fact that we would spend up to 6 digits to do a surrogacy & possibly end up with no child. We would spend all our savings, plus have to take out a loan & be paying on it for who knows how long. But the more we got digging & I saw how much just IVF cost, the more I began to think about that.

When the DH & I first started this journey 4.5 years ago. We opted for no treatments because we knew our chances were slim. That all seems like decades ago though..things have changed. We have been through a lot, gotten stronger, taken a break from the baby idea & have grown. We are not who we were then. So I started wondering...why couldnt we try IVF? I mean, we could try a round, not have 6 digits invested in it & still have money to adopt later down the road if we wanted to.

So last night I went to my OB. I wanted to see what he thought of me trying IVF since he knows my history so well. He said he has just been waiting for me to show up in his office pregnant. (the man has held out so much hope for us) We talked about my risk & history & he feels I am in the best shape he has ever seen me & strong & said go for it.

So this morning, I called a new RE to setup a consult. I am still waiting to hear back from them..but G & I are at least going to see what they say.

We also still have our possible adoption situation. She is due July 8th..yep, she was 31 weeks along, not 6 like she originally thought when we found out. We did find out it was a boy...but I really think she is going to decide to parent. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I really am not sure if she will want to put the baby up for adoption. But it is always a possibility.

I never thought I would sit here one day & type the words 'I may do IVF.' I never thought our crazy path would bring us here...so it's all new to me & exciting.

I have a lot more to talk about with all this & my thoughts on it...but I'll save you all for now ;)

Friday, April 5, 2013

New Direction??

I have been trying to figure out what to write, but I still do not know...I am still in shocked. We have had an offer from a dear friend to be a surrogate. Now, I had a friend offer before, but I dont know, something about it didnt feel right. Maybe part of me felt she was offering because she felt like she should?

This friend...I truly had no idea she felt this way. Her & her DH have been talking about this between themselves apparently for a while now & she came to us the other day.

I am still in shock, still overwhelmed. I cannot believe somebody truly likes me & the DH as much ;) I mean to offer yourself to help us have a child is crazy to me! We are thinking about this, we really are...this is a chance at a biological child. Something we never thought we could have.

If we do decide to go through with this, both the DH & I would have to go through things. I would donate & he would have to have surgery in order to try to find sperm. We have decided if we cannot do those 2 things, we will not go through with the surrogacy, there would be no need to put her through everything if the child could not biologically be ours.

So is this a possible new direction? Very possibly. I will go to the OB in May to see what he says & she will be transferring to my OB as well...we will then be going from there. Sadly, we will have to travel some to go to an RE, as the one here in town will not do single women or surrogacy due to religious beliefs (that is a whole new post)

Oh also....we have been asked if we would be interested in adopting. The birth mother is still VERY early in her pregnancy & adoption is just being talked about, but we have been asked if we would be interested.

So yeah, all kinds of new directions are possible...a lot to take in...a lot to think about.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

ICLW

It's been a really long time since I have done one of these..between getting sick last year (which you can read about here, here and here) and just working a lot, I have been neglecting my blog & I am glad to be back & part of ICLW.

So welcome!

A bit about me...31, PCOS, Endo, no left tube and ovary, no spleen and now a blood clot survivor
About the DH...31, severe azoo

A little over a year ago after over a year in the international adoption process there was a little girl that we got a referral for & sadly could not accept. After this, we left the program in Colombia, planning on taking a short break & then going to domestic adoption. Once I found out that I had to have my spleen removed & then developed clots, that break went from a few months to over a year. As I get stronger from everything last year, we are slowly starting to think about the adoption process again. We had decided that I needed to be 100% before starting up, so it's looking like that may happen later this year or beginning of next.

So for now...we are just 'in-between-ers'

Ill end with a random fact about myself & hope you share one about you :)

I met my husband, married him, went on our honeymoon & were home the day we had been together 6 months!


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Changes....

Changes, they're a happenin'

I have now been off the blood thinners for almost a month...slowly starting to get my life & body back & it feels great!! As I start to heal both mentally & physically, we have started to talk about adoption more.

It's weird & comforting to talk about adoption. There was a point last year when I thought I would never be a mom. I was angry for all I was dealing with medically, I was angry for not being able to have a child, I was pissed about the adoption process & all we had been through previously. But as things have gotten better our thoughts on things, my thoughts on things, they have changed.

I am starting to get excited about the thought of adopting again. I am starting to think about the blog here & coming back..I am hopeful for the future for the first time in a while.

While the DH & I still have a lot to talk about when it comes to adopting...I think we are close to having a plan and hopefully a child within the next few years.

I cannot thank you all enough for the support through this bumpy journey & sticking by me! Thank you!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

When I Was 31....

"When I was 31, your mother was 13"....these words left on my voicemail yesterday after my birthday wish by my grandmother keep repeating in my head.

I know she did not mean anything by these...but as somebody that is not able to have children, this is not what I want to hear on my birthday or any day for that fact.

It seems like every time I think Im 'ok' something like this is said & it just sets me off. Maybe I was just sensitive because it was my bday & I wasnt getting any younger ;) But as I listened to this voicemail, sitting at dinner with my DH, I broke down into tears. Uncontrollable tears.

I sometimes feel like such a failure....my body has failed me in so many ways. My body has let me down in ways that most people never can imagine...from the IF, to having my spleen removed, PEs and so much more.

I know that I have no control over the cards I have been dealt..I know deep down I never did anything that gave me all these issues...but it can be hard.

So yeah, on a happier note..yesterday was my bday! I had a nice relaxing day...and a WONDERFUL surprise. Saturday afternoon when the doorbell rang (interrupting my nap) RNPhotoGirl was standing at my door!!! My DH & her had worked it out where she would drive down to surprise me for my bday. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me! We have become so close through this crappy IF journey & I have been truly blessed to meet this wonderful lady. The fact that she drove over 6 hours to spend like 24 with me is still overwhelming to me & makes me teary!

So minus the voicemail..I had a good birthday. I cannot believe I am 31, I swear I was just graduating HS! But I am determined to make this a good year (it doesnt take much to beat last)
 
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