Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Buh-Bye Mom Car

So 4 years ago, after we had only been married a month I bought THE car, the car that I was going to fill with children. I had been driving a Jeep & thought it would be too hard to lift a carseat up in, etc...so I opted for a wagon. Yep, a wagon!

I had dreams of 2 kids sitting in the backseat, us going on weekend trips as they watched the scenery go by. But the further we got into our infertility journey the bigger & emptier the car felt to me. After everything earlier this year too the first thing I wanted to do when I got better was get rid of the big car. I had only had it 4 years, & it was paid off, but I didn't care. I didn't need this big wagon anymore..I didn't need my mom car because I had nobody to put in the back.

I was jealous of people with 'fun' cars. Cars not made for soccer practices and dance classes. I wanted something sporty & fun...something that would work for a older child down the road...but didn't remind me of how there were no carseats in the back.

I needed this change. I feel freed by this change...amazing how a car can have so much meaning behind it. Has anyone else ever felt this way??

So Saturday I said good bye. I traded my wagon in for a fun, sporty car. I finally have a yellow car too, which I have always wanted.

So out with the old

And in with the new

Monday, May 14, 2012

Extra, Extra...Read All About It!

THE News....the news you guys have all been waiting to hear :)

Well...let me start by saying the love & support I have received this year through being sick & deciding what we were going to do about adoption has been more than I could have ever imagined.

I was scared to say that we were thinking of living childfree. I was scared of letting people know how I felt & how unsure of things I was feeling & once again, you all have been there!

After getting sick a lot changed for me...it's amazing how when you are staring death in the eyes, it puts a lot in perspective. I no longer worried so much about my infertility...I was more worried about getting & staying healthy...adoption became a speck on my radar. I hate to say that because I feel like it makes me sound like a terrible person.

As we got closer to our homestudy date...the more unsure of everything I got. It was like the big elephant in the room that I was unable to ignore, I had to do something..I just wasnt sure what!

Now my husband has been on call for jury duty all month & has to call every Friday evening. When he called Friday night he found out he was to come in...he didnt have to come today, but tomorrow...the day that was supposed to be our homestudy renewal. This was the sign I needed. I knew that I was canceling the homestudy....

Yep, that is right, I canceled our renewal. I know we will have to start all over if/when we decide to start back up with adoption, but that is a risk I am willing to take.

After more soul searching & talking with the DH we made further decisions. He has always been ok with adopting an older child but I was very dead set on getting a baby. I felt that if I could not have my own baby, I at least wanted to try to adopt the youngest child I could. Now remember how I said things change when you almost die?! Well, this was one of them. The more I thought about it, the more I thought an older child was a MUCH better option for us. We have decided that in a year or 2 if/when we start back up, we will be adopting a waiting/older child. Both my DH & I have family members that were adopted when they were older (14 & 17) & have gone on to have amazing lives & the more I got thinking about it..the older/waiting child deserve a chance, just like the infants. I no longer feel the need for an infant or know if I could even physically handle it.

I think an older child in the long run is better fit for us. I went into what will be our child's room the other night and started to clean out the baby stuff...it felt great. I will be sending things to friends and donating others to women's shelters. I am hoping that when we adopt the child will be 3-6 years old, so no need for the baby stuff & that is ok with me.

My DH & I have talked & talked about this all weekend & feel more at peace with this decision than we have this entire journey. I know this adoption path has been an extremely bumpy road for us, but that is ok..I am ok...I will be ok!

No matter if this all happens in a year or 2 or if it doesnt, I will be ok..my marriage will be ok.

Friday, May 11, 2012

5 Question Friday

Thought I would do something a bit different today & answer the Friday questions from My Little Life

1. What advice would you give a couple getting married? The wedding day is just that, a day...everything that comes after is what really matters. Don't stress about that.

2. If you could tell your 16 year old self ONE thing, what would it be?
He is NOT the one, you WILL kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince & life will be one hell of a roller coaster for you...enjoy your youth more than you did. Oh & maybe look at different colleges because once again..you WILL NOT marry him, so dont stay for him.

3. What do you do to keep cool in the summer? (AC, windows, fans, swimming, etc.)
I am all about the windows open...AC is too cold!

4. What did you (or your wife) crave most while pregnant? 
Never been pregnant, so no idea

5. Who is your favorite TV mom? Why?
I love Katey Sagal on 8 Simple Rules. I just think she is a realistic mom & possibly what I would be if I were a momma.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

From 2 to More

How do you do it? How do you go from a family of 2, well really I guess 2.5 if you count Kiso, to a family of more? How does this work after it's just been the 2 of you for so long. I know so many couples do it, they do it everyday...but honestly it worries me.

I like us. I like the routine we have & how things have really seemed to fall into place with us over the last year. I know a lot of people would say crap, you've only been married 4 years...it's not a long time & when a baby comes along it will only get better...but then again, 4 years is a long time to just be us.

I don't want to loose us in the adoption process again. I feel like our lives become nothing but adoption related...all the what ifs & whens?

But how do you do it? How do you go from 2 to more? I really need to hear stories as we get closer to our homestudy being renewed, I have so many questions. So many things to think about...when it comes to adoption, I feel so lost. I keep thinking if I could get pregnant like a 'normal' woman, then I wouldnt have all this time to think..which means I would probably be a mom by now.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

31,536,000 Seconds Ago

  • 1 year ago today we received a call about Baby M
  • 12 months ago we did one of the hardest things we have ever done...we said 'no' to Baby M
  • 52 weeks have gone by & not one of those have I not thought about her
  • 365 days ago we did something we were hoping we would never have to do
  • 8760 hours ago I was sent home from work because I could not function, could not stop crying
  • 525,600 minutes ago I went, in a daze, after telling our agency 'no' to Baby M to my doctor to only find out that I had to have a lump removed from my breast..3 days later
  • 31,536,000 seconds have passed since I could have been a mom
  • 1 year ago I may have been the closest to being a mom that I will ever get
  • 12 months ago something in Mr PCOSChick & I died
  • 52 weeks ago we truly learned how hard adoption can be
  • 365 days ago my parents cried with me for our loss
  • 8760 hours ago I became scared of being hurt by adoption again
  • 525,600 minutes ago something in me forever changed
  • 31,536,000 seconds have passed since we said 'hello' & 'goodbye' to Baby M 

Friday, May 4, 2012

4 Years

Happy 4th anniversary to Mr PCOSChick!! I cannot believe 4 years ago today we were standing on a beach, saying 'I Do'

Needless to say our 4 years have not been the easiest. We have been through our far share of crap, especially this year.

Words will never be able to express how thankful I am for this man coming into my life. For loving me no matter what, of staying by my side in all the sickness & the tad bit of health I have thrown in ;-)
I am beyond lucky for having such an amazing partner & best friend.

This year as I lay sick, twice, in the hospital he never left my side. He never was not there for me or made me feel alone. I know he deals with a lot when it comes to me..but for some reason, he still is there & strong for us. Everytime I feel like I may break...he is there to pick up my pieces....ok, you get the point, he is AMAZING!

I know a lot has changed with us over the 4 years, and we married so quickly that most never thought we would make it...but here we are...4 years later & strong than ever!
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