Sunday, April 22, 2012

I Went In The Nursery

I haven't been in there since some point in 2011...Today, I went in. I looked at all the books staked & waiting, the clothes hanging in the closet. The stuffed animal that we brought back from DC over a year ago...the hope of a child.

I was not expecting the emotions I felt when I walked in...the tears formed instantly. My eyes watered & the thought of never seeing a child in there made my heart hurt.

I thought I was getting there..getting to the place where I could walk away from becoming a mother & be ok with it. Be ok with the 2 of us, but stepping back in that room made me think twice. I do not know if I am ready to walk away yet. I am not sure what I am ready for & I hate it. I hate the turmoil, I hate the uncertainty, the pain, the heartache.

I don't know when I will be able to go back in that room. But for now, the thought of getting rid of everything in that room breaks my heart...for now I will stay in limbo & hope one day, one way or another, I will know the right path. I will know if us renewing our home study in May is the right thing..I will know if we will live child free or as parents...

Also, I cannot thank you all enough for the love & support on my previous post. The outpouring was overwhelming & reminded me what an amazing community this is, so thank you!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Things Change

I have debated for a while on writing this post..I was not sure if I was ready to put this all out in the universe. Very few people know what has been going on in my head since January 20th & as Ive said in a previous post, I am not the same person. I am sure some of you may understand what I am saying while others may be angered by all of this...for that I am sorry, but I need to get this out there.

I do not think of infertility anymore. I do not hope to one day get pregnant, I do not even think of adoption too much. After all that has happened to me I have seen how precious life is & how lucky I am to have everything in my life. I need to enjoy what I have, embrace what I have & not continue to dwell on something I will probably never have.

When I think of adoption now I think of the hassle. I think of how I do not want to update our homestudy because of all the paperwork & money. I think about how the idea of the wait breaks my heart. How going back to living our life in limbo makes me want to cry because I have so enjoyed being able to do what we want when we want & not have to worry about getting a call or needing to do this or that. I worry about being able to do all I want in my life & pay for multiple adoptions (yes, this sounds selfish I know) I worry about adopting once & not being able to give our child everything I want for them if we adopt again & I am not sure how I feel on depriving my child of a sibling because of ultimately the cost to adopt again.

I worry about being heartbroken if something goes wrong & we have a disrupted adoption. I worry about the heartache that could happen if we had to turn down another baby. I am in a good place after everything that has happened to me, probably one of the best places I have been in years & I am unsure I am ready to possibly give that all up.

So yes, we are thinking of living child free for so many reasons. Of just being the 2 of us & Kiso (maybe a sister for him) & moving forward. But I have all the what ifs. What if we regret this down the road?

We still have a lot to think about & talk about. We will be updating our home study this summer because we are not ready to completely give up the idea of being parents & want to have this in place just in case...but only time will tell.

As stated at the beginning it is VERY hard for me to admit that we are thinking of this. I do not want people to think we are selfish or do not want to be parents...we just have a lot to think about.

Did you ever go through a phase like this? Did you choose child free or continue on your path to parenthood..I would love to hear what you all have to say!
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