Monday, May 14, 2012
Well...let me start by saying the love & support I have received this year through being sick & deciding what we were going to do about adoption has been more than I could have ever imagined.
I was scared to say that we were thinking of living childfree. I was scared of letting people know how I felt & how unsure of things I was feeling & once again, you all have been there!
After getting sick a lot changed for me...it's amazing how when you are staring death in the eyes, it puts a lot in perspective. I no longer worried so much about my infertility...I was more worried about getting & staying healthy...adoption became a speck on my radar. I hate to say that because I feel like it makes me sound like a terrible person.
As we got closer to our homestudy date...the more unsure of everything I got. It was like the big elephant in the room that I was unable to ignore, I had to do something..I just wasnt sure what!
Now my husband has been on call for jury duty all month & has to call every Friday evening. When he called Friday night he found out he was to come in...he didnt have to come today, but tomorrow...the day that was supposed to be our homestudy renewal. This was the sign I needed. I knew that I was canceling the homestudy....
Yep, that is right, I canceled our renewal. I know we will have to start all over if/when we decide to start back up with adoption, but that is a risk I am willing to take.
After more soul searching & talking with the DH we made further decisions. He has always been ok with adopting an older child but I was very dead set on getting a baby. I felt that if I could not have my own baby, I at least wanted to try to adopt the youngest child I could. Now remember how I said things change when you almost die?! Well, this was one of them. The more I thought about it, the more I thought an older child was a MUCH better option for us. We have decided that in a year or 2 if/when we start back up, we will be adopting a waiting/older child. Both my DH & I have family members that were adopted when they were older (14 & 17) & have gone on to have amazing lives & the more I got thinking about it..the older/waiting child deserve a chance, just like the infants. I no longer feel the need for an infant or know if I could even physically handle it.
I think an older child in the long run is better fit for us. I went into what will be our child's room the other night and started to clean out the baby stuff...it felt great. I will be sending things to friends and donating others to women's shelters. I am hoping that when we adopt the child will be 3-6 years old, so no need for the baby stuff & that is ok with me.
My DH & I have talked & talked about this all weekend & feel more at peace with this decision than we have this entire journey. I know this adoption path has been an extremely bumpy road for us, but that is ok..I am ok...I will be ok!
No matter if this all happens in a year or 2 or if it doesnt, I will be ok..my marriage will be ok.
Posted by PCOSChick at 1:35 PM