Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Things Change

I have debated for a while on writing this post..I was not sure if I was ready to put this all out in the universe. Very few people know what has been going on in my head since January 20th & as Ive said in a previous post, I am not the same person. I am sure some of you may understand what I am saying while others may be angered by all of this...for that I am sorry, but I need to get this out there.

I do not think of infertility anymore. I do not hope to one day get pregnant, I do not even think of adoption too much. After all that has happened to me I have seen how precious life is & how lucky I am to have everything in my life. I need to enjoy what I have, embrace what I have & not continue to dwell on something I will probably never have.

When I think of adoption now I think of the hassle. I think of how I do not want to update our homestudy because of all the paperwork & money. I think about how the idea of the wait breaks my heart. How going back to living our life in limbo makes me want to cry because I have so enjoyed being able to do what we want when we want & not have to worry about getting a call or needing to do this or that. I worry about being able to do all I want in my life & pay for multiple adoptions (yes, this sounds selfish I know) I worry about adopting once & not being able to give our child everything I want for them if we adopt again & I am not sure how I feel on depriving my child of a sibling because of ultimately the cost to adopt again.

I worry about being heartbroken if something goes wrong & we have a disrupted adoption. I worry about the heartache that could happen if we had to turn down another baby. I am in a good place after everything that has happened to me, probably one of the best places I have been in years & I am unsure I am ready to possibly give that all up.

So yes, we are thinking of living child free for so many reasons. Of just being the 2 of us & Kiso (maybe a sister for him) & moving forward. But I have all the what ifs. What if we regret this down the road?

We still have a lot to think about & talk about. We will be updating our home study this summer because we are not ready to completely give up the idea of being parents & want to have this in place just in case...but only time will tell.

As stated at the beginning it is VERY hard for me to admit that we are thinking of this. I do not want people to think we are selfish or do not want to be parents...we just have a lot to think about.

Did you ever go through a phase like this? Did you choose child free or continue on your path to parenthood..I would love to hear what you all have to say!

12 comments:

  1. It's only natural that you take stock after what happened to you. I've been following the story of someone else who had blood clots recently who nearly died and ended up blind. It's horrifying and I'm so glad you are okay. I'll support you whatever you decide family-wise. And you'll always be Auntie D to our Miss E :)

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  2. I'll love ya no matter what you choose. xo

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  3. Anyone who criticizes you for your feelings on this needs a serious reality check, followed by a body check into the river.

    Prof and I went through almost this exact same process over the last few months. We ultimately decided to try the donor egg route, but our only other alternative was child-free.

    This all sounds quite reasonable to me. You do what feels right for you and your family as it is right now. If what feels right changes, then you can change your plans to suit!

    I got your back.

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  4. Oh wow. First, let me take a moment and tell you I recognize how hard that is to feel and say, and I commend you and thank you for sharing your feelings.

    Second, we did talk about if it did not work out and would we be ok with it just being the two of us. At some point along the way, we made that commitment to each other before moving all the way forward with adoption. Having that acceptance helped. We were fortunate not to wait long, but we did prepare ourselves for a two year wait (post home study approval) with a commitment to live our lives and accept that wait.

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  5. I am with you here. People are so judgmental, even without meaning to be. I really am ok with not pursuing anything no more pills, no expensive treatments, no adoption, no fostering... just us. So many people try and be helpful by saying things that they mean as kind and encouraging when I've gotten to the point that they're just patronizing.

    I don't know where to go from here or how to transition. I've figured out how to be infertile. But knowing how to be infertile I feel like I have to make a choice to pursue treatments or live child free. I'm not sure I know how to move myself over to the "living child-free" side of the fence. Even though that's where I'm currently at. I feel it requires a label change for me, maybe I'm the only one that feels this way. Huge mass of mixed emotions.

    Sorry to take over your comments! I'm interested to hear how you make the transition. Good luck!

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  6. I've gone through this phase several time over the last 2 years. It is hard, every time I think I'm okay with living child free something happens and I too wonder about the what ifs. The last one was at the end of feb/mar I had thought I would be fine being child free then my third niece was born and I saw a video of my Hun with our oldest niece celebrating her 2 birthday. So for now we are continuing on the path to parenthood(maybe). I find the hardest part of IF is the what if I look back one day and regret that I never tried more. To bad Wallyworld didn't sell babies life would be easier if they did.

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  7. ((Hugs)) Do what you think will bring you happiness in the future.

    We decided to step off the infertility path and onto the childfree path. It is a hard decision that my husband and I had a lot of discussions on. No one else can tell you what path to take.

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  8. We're going through the EXACT same thing right now. In fact we've put our adoption on hold for a few months so we're technically not active anymore and we're debating about whether to even bother going active again. We've talked about giving up completely but we're not exactly ready for that. My husband is thinking that we should just wait another 5 years or so, after he gets out of the military and gets a degree and a new job. We'll see. But I totally know how you feel. Take all the time you need to make that decision. It sounds easier than it is. I thought I wanted to give up but when I thought about what it would be like to call the agency, to tell our family, and to sell the baby items we already bought, I was very very sad. So that's how I knew I wasn't ready to give up just yet

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  9. I just wanted to let you know (again) that you aren't alone, and I'm here whenever you need to or want to talk. You know it's a no judgement zone with me. :) Love you lots.

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  10. I just have to say how incredibly brave and commendable this post is and absolutely nothing you are feeling is in any way selfish. There is a very strong theme of "never giving up" within our community, but I have never believed living child-free is giving up. It is choosing to do as you said and embrace life and the joy it has to offer. You are amazing and you touch the lives of everyone you meet. You deserve happiness and I support you in any decision you make and in whatever direction your journey takes you. <3

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  11. We had just about came to the same conclusion to just stop, and shortly after Mea came home. We had just gotten re-licensed for foster care, and had decided that if things didn't happen within the next period of time that it just wasn't going to happen for us. It wasn't giving up, it was just a matter of closing the door to perpetual invasion on our lives.

    A very personal, and hard decision to make. The two of you need to do what is best for you. People will support you, in whatever you do. Myself and many others included.

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  12. These are very real concerns, and sadly, a reality for most of us. I'm glad you finally felt ready to post them here. I hope and pray that if you do pursue adoption it will work out for you. But, either way, you have my support.

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