I haven't been in there since some point in 2011...Today, I went in. I looked at all the books staked & waiting, the clothes hanging in the closet. The stuffed animal that we brought back from DC over a year ago...the hope of a child.
I was not expecting the emotions I felt when I walked in...the tears formed instantly. My eyes watered & the thought of never seeing a child in there made my heart hurt.
I thought I was getting there..getting to the place where I could walk away from becoming a mother & be ok with it. Be ok with the 2 of us, but stepping back in that room made me think twice. I do not know if I am ready to walk away yet. I am not sure what I am ready for & I hate it. I hate the turmoil, I hate the uncertainty, the pain, the heartache.
I don't know when I will be able to go back in that room. But for now, the thought of getting rid of everything in that room breaks my heart...for now I will stay in limbo & hope one day, one way or another, I will know the right path. I will know if us renewing our home study in May is the right thing..I will know if we will live child free or as parents...
Also, I cannot thank you all enough for the love & support on my previous post. The outpouring was overwhelming & reminded me what an amazing community this is, so thank you!!