Sunday, April 22, 2012

I Went In The Nursery

I haven't been in there since some point in 2011...Today, I went in. I looked at all the books staked & waiting, the clothes hanging in the closet. The stuffed animal that we brought back from DC over a year ago...the hope of a child.

I was not expecting the emotions I felt when I walked in...the tears formed instantly. My eyes watered & the thought of never seeing a child in there made my heart hurt.

I thought I was getting there..getting to the place where I could walk away from becoming a mother & be ok with it. Be ok with the 2 of us, but stepping back in that room made me think twice. I do not know if I am ready to walk away yet. I am not sure what I am ready for & I hate it. I hate the turmoil, I hate the uncertainty, the pain, the heartache.

I don't know when I will be able to go back in that room. But for now, the thought of getting rid of everything in that room breaks my heart...for now I will stay in limbo & hope one day, one way or another, I will know the right path. I will know if us renewing our home study in May is the right thing..I will know if we will live child free or as parents...

Also, I cannot thank you all enough for the love & support on my previous post. The outpouring was overwhelming & reminded me what an amazing community this is, so thank you!!


  1. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, sweetheart. Know that we'll all be here holding your hand until you find your path. xoxo

  2. It is ok for you to feel however you want to feel and change your mind as many times as you want. hugs and love.

  3. ((HUG))

    Take your time.... this is a big decision, and like Cajun Cutie said - you may change your mind multiple times.... whatever you feel -- it is okay.... your feelings are real and they're justified.... "feel" them out .... and remember - there is a whole community of women here to listen and offer support!



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