Monday, December 31, 2012

2013: capricorn overview

Here is to hoping!!

Capricorn
Get ready for the deepest structural changes of your life -- ever. You're becoming the master at tearing down the old and rebuilding from scratch, and yet you may be amazed to discover there is indeed another, much deeper layer to uncover. Just when you thought your world could not possibly survive yet more gutting, along comes the mutual reception between Saturn and Pluto directly impacting your sign. Pluto rules irreversible, you-are-never-going-back change, while Saturn (your planetary ruler) is all about death, rebirth and total transformation. You get the gist: nothing will ever be the same, so close your eyes, take a deep breath and let go. On the other side of the wrecking ball is a beautiful life in total alignment with your true value system making the necessary sacrifices more than worth it. You have nothing to fear, because all of the changes will pave the way to such profound improvement, you'll look back and wonder why you ever held on to such a sham of a world in the first place.
Your daily life -- work, health and overall well-being -- will get an extra boost from Jupiter during the first half of the year. This means you can kick it up a notch by taking such good care of yourself that you'll have more energy than the gods! This is also an excellent time for getting your daily regimen working like a well-oiled machine. Eating right, getting enough sleep and making time for regular exercise are all essential in 2013. The second half of the year brings the luck of Jupiter to your relationship and social zone. No longer shall you be tired or lonely. Your love life and social world will be dripping in goodness and abundance.
Don't expect much solitude in 2013. Your social world is about to blow up -- as is your love life. The eclipse points will be activating your love and social sectors, assuring that you'll have very little, if any, time or space to feel isolated. Friends and lovers will be flocking to you like a magnet. The only problem is that you may feel like you're neglecting your career responsibilities, but how can you turn down all the fun? All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull Goat! It's rare that you have so many invites hitting you simultaneously -- enjoy!

2012

Where to even start?! What a year this has been. I cannot say that I am sad to see this year go, because there is not part of me that is.

I am ready to start fresh and move on to 2013...so Adios 2012!

From loosing my spleen, to having the blood clots, the PTSD & dealing with yet another year without a baby & not sure where we go from here...this year has blown.

It has had some ups, do not get me wrong...I have become so much stronger in my relationship with G. I never knew somebody could love me like he does. I never knew somebody could support me like he does. His love and calming effect on me have been my saving grace this year.

I have learned who my true friends are...you know the ones that don't walk away when the time gets tough. I am so beyond grateful for the amazingly strong friends in my life.

I have high expectations for 2013. I plan on finding myself again..to get me back. To get off these blood thinners & being able to go back to things I love. To do the things my body needs....to forget the horrible stuff that happened to me.

So to all of you reading this...thank you! Thank you for your love & support through this trying year. Thank you for always being there. I wish each & everyone of you nothing but the best in 2013...I hope all your wishes & dreams come true.

To my 2012 self...I hope I do not see you again anytime soon...it's time to move onward & upward!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Newtown Reflections

Please hang in there with me as I spill my thoughts out in a possibly not so eloquent manner.

After 9/11, I  refused to not fly because that is what they would have wanted.

After shootings in movie theatres, I didn't stop going..I didn't want to live my life in fear.

After what happened last week...well, I just cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop thinking about those little babes who so senselessly lost their life because of a monster. I cannot stop thinking about what happens if we adopt. I am scared to send a child to school. I am scared to raise what I think is a good child and they turn out to be a monster that could do something like this. This tragedy has hit me in a way I didn't know was possible.

I worry about loosing a child I do not even have. I know this is not the way to live and there is a lot more good then there is bad in this world...but this is, sadly, the world we live in now. Is this the world I wish to raise a child in?

My heart breaks for the parents and families of all the victims and I cannot imagine the grief and heartbreak they are dealing with...how their lives have forever changed. But do I let this killer who killed 26 innocent people & let him 'rule' my future because I am scared?


Saturday, December 1, 2012

Nursey Becomes The Guest Room

The room that was going to be the nursery...the room that the door has been shut since we moved in to the place; well, the door is open. The nursery furniture is all gone. The items we did keep are no longer spread out in the room, they are all in the closet.

The door is open now to show off our new guest room. Last week when we gave away all the nursery furniture we moved our guest room from the basement to this room. Our guest will now have a bigger room with a sitting area :) I love the room..I love having the door open and walking past and seeing this room that was hidden for so long.

The couple we gave the furniture to just found out they were having a little girl...so a baby girl will be enjoying all the goodies we gave them.

I am proud of myself, I did not cry, I did not think twice when they came to get everything last week. I knew what I was doing was right and the time was right.

I have said it before & I will say it again..this is not the end...just a comma

Saturday, November 17, 2012

To Child Free Or Not To Child Free...That Is The Question

My great aunt & uncle had been married 63 years. The were one of the most vivacious, out going couples you would ever meet. This was the couple that for their honeymoon drove 8 days to Miami, so they could catch a plane to Cuba. The owned over 20 classic cars that were their lives. They loved to work on them, take them to car shows, just drive around in a Model-T.

For 63 years they could travel and own all these cars and go wherever whenever they wanted...why, because they had no kids.

4 weeks ago, they were at a car show. She turned in front of somebody..it actually was a pretty minor accident, but here we are 4 weeks later and we are burying him today. She kept telling me how it all felt like a bad dream, like she would wake up & he would be there.

As I sat at the funeral home last night and watched a video that was made about his life, I saw all their adventures. I saw the love that they had for each other...the love I saw between then even at my brother's wedding in August.

As I sat there as others watched the video. I heard things like 'they got to go to all these places because they did not have kids' or 'they had all those cars because ether could afford things like that because they had no kids.'

Then I heard those that talked about how awful it was that she was all alone. After 63 years of just him & her & now she would be all alone....because she had no kids.

As I hear all these things, I cannot help but wonder if this is what people would say about the DH & I in 60 years....would we be this couple in 60 years or would we have our children to lean on?

I wish there was a clear cut path of us...the path to kids or the path to child free. I guess last night made me think about it all more....

Monday, November 12, 2012

Good Bye Nursery

"This doesn't mean the end, this just means a different path." These were the words from my husband as I could not stop crying after telling a special couple we would be giving them all the items from our nursery.

I wanted to give the things to them, nobody was forcing me to. I did it on my own, nobody made me...but wow, I was not expecting to have it hurt so much. I have lived this almost past year not really thinking about IF that much. My health has not allowed me the time to think about not being able to have a child, to think about adoption..none of it, as I have been a bit preoccupied.

This past year I also have only stepped foot in the nursery 1 time. The door stays shut to the room & honestly, I forget it is even there.

When I found out my brother's best friend, who is like a little brother to me, would be a dad, I knew it was time to clean out our nursery.

I know the chances of us having a baby are very slim. I know that if we do adopt, it will be an older child, so the crib we bought, the glider, etc...none of it will be needed.

So, within the next 2 weeks, I will be packing everything up & giving it away. I have already spent my time crying, so I am hoping I can do this without crying again.

I know I will be ok, I know life goes on & this is the right thing for us right now...if something happens, we can always buy new stuff..but it is needed somewhere else right now.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Sigh Of Relief

Well yesterday was my mammogram for Thin 1 & 2...I really was unsure what to expect when it came to the mammo, but I can say it's probably not what I thought. I had no idea some weird/nerdy/awkward woman would be playing..sorry positioning, my boobs so much!

Spent what felt like forever doing the mammogram...it was probably 30-40 mins then they took me to a room to sit & wait. Since I was there for diagnostic, they said they would tell me before I left. As I sat in a room with another woman...naked from the waist up, with a huge oversized robe that didn't want to stay closed...I could not help to wonder how many woman had sat in that very chair & had wondered the same thing I had. How many woman had gotten good news & how many had their lives change.

I sat there waiting to hear if my mammogram looked good or if there were further test needed. I was so nervous I had to sneak off to my locker & get my cell phone in order to tweet...to have some support as I sat there freaked out. So glad I did this because they came back to tell me they wanted to have further test run; they would do an ultrasound...cue major freak out!!

Went in for the ultrasound & I was laying there trying to see what was on the screen. Now, Ive gotten pretty good at knowing what is going on when I have an ultrasound for my uterus & ovaries..but boobs, well, I have NO clue...so I just watched! The tech left after what seemed like a fast ultrasound & said she would show the doctor....in no time both her &  the dr were in my room....with good news!

Yes, I have 2 lumps in my right breast, but they are nothing of concern. The Dr. still wants me to meet next week with the breast specialist/surgeon to decide if they will be taken out like my previous one, because they are painful, or if we will just watch for a while.

I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear this news. I did not realize how worried/scared I was until that Dr. stood in front of me telling me they were nothing. I felt the weight come off my shoulders.

I guess I have felt like this year has been nothing but bad news for me & my health...so I had almost just assumed this would be the same...so I am very happy!

I cannot thank you all enough for all the Twitter love & support I got yesterday...had I known I would be getting results yesterday, I would not have gone alone...but knowing all my ladies were there with me in thought & virtually holding my hand as I freaked...well, it was so comforting! THANK YOU!!

So now to see what the specialist says next week...but at this point, I don't care...my Thing 1 & 2 are ok & not harming me :)

Friday, September 28, 2012

5 Question Friday

I have not done this in a while & figured since I haven't had tons to write about recently...this would be something fun & would give me something to post about.


1. Do you prefer to drive to your vacation spot or fly? I am a flier all the way. I hate how tired driving makes you & it feels like a waste of time to me. You spend too much time of your vacation getting to where you need to be.

2. If you could live any where in the world, where would you go and why? This is a huge 'shocker' I know, but I would live in Vermont. I just love their way of life there. It seems to simple & carefree to me. The work to live, not live to work there. I love how the people are all about healthy living and community. It's also just so dang beautiful there.

3. Should grown women wear leggings? I wear leggings & I would think at 30 I am a grown woman...so I guess it's ok. Now, in my defense, I only wear them when I have a longer shirt or dress on...none of this flaunting my booty in leggings crap.

4. If you could change your name to any other name, would you? And what would it be? I always wanted to be named Aimee. Why, I have no clue, but for as long as I can remember that is what I told my parents they should have named me. Would I change it now? Nope...too much of a hassle

5. What magazines to you have subscriptions to? Cosmo, Yoga, Dwell, Clean Eating, Woman's Health, & a cople other organic/health kinda magazines

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Thing 1 & Thing 2

Yes, this is what I will now 'lovingly' be calling my newly found breast lumps. Yep, that is right, 2 more lumps.

I had found 1 about a month ago & then at my yearly last week, the Dr found a 2nd. They are actually right by where I had the other one removed May of 2011. I am now waiting for my new surgeon's office to call me & set up a mammogram.

I had to get a new surgeon because I refuse to go back to the other that did my last lump..he is also the guy that removed my spleen & caused me all my extra fun issues...so there was not a question in my mind that he was out. Apparently though this new surgeon is amazing & deals mostly with the boobies...so that makes me happy :)

I am hoping that this time I can actually get a mammogram because with my last lump I was refused by the imagining place. They told me I was too young & made me do another test...so we will see what happens, as they are sending me to a different facility.

I'm pissed as all hell about all this, I won't lie..I am sick & tired of being sick & tired. I am really starting to wonder who the heck I pissed off to get all I have this year...but after some good crying & feeling sorry for myself...even though I am made, I am just gonna roll with the punches. This is not more than I can handle..I have been given all this because I am strong.

So now, Ill wait to hear from this new dr & get Thing 1 & 2 looked at...I am really hoping they do not have to be removed because the thought of a surgery scares the hell out of me..but I will do what I have to in order to take care of myself.

This year has taught me so much...how precious life is & how I only have this 1 body & have to do whatever to take care of it..so that is just what Ill do.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Still Here.....

And still not much to say!

I feel like I am in such limbo when it comes to kids. Im so torn between adoption & living child free. I like the 2 of us & what we have. I am scared at the thought of starting up an adoption again. It has been so nice not having to have every moment scrutinized & watched. To not have to provide bank information & have fire inspections...it's all been so nice. But when it comes down to it, does that crap really matter once I am a mom & have a little one to love?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

6 months

The 10th was 6 months since my PE diagnoses. I thought I would only be on the blood thinners for 6 months, but sadly, now I am on for a year. Oh well, there could be worse things.

It has taken me 6 months to realize I am not ok though. I thought I could handle my PTSD & everything that came along with this traumatic experience on my own, but I cannot. My anxiety is getting bad..I am scared of a lot of things I was never scared about before getting sick. I am worried about coming off the blood thinners (even though I cannot wait to be off), I am worried about a lot to be honest.

I have decided to go to therapy. I need somebody to help me through this. I feel like a failure not being able to deal with this on my own. I am stubborn & have been fighting therapy...I kept telling myself I could do this. But also along with the 'being sick, could have died' part of therapy...I think it will be good to talk to somebody about adoption & all the things running through my head about that.

6 months ago my life forever changed. I am not the same as I was when I turned 30 on the 6th day of this year. I am a stronger, better person (at least I think) but I have a lot of issues I need to deal with to keep getting better...to keep getting stronger.

So I have a few numbers of therapist & will be making calls towards the end of this week.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Still Here

Hi! Yep, I am still here...I don't have tons to say right now. Getting healthier each day when it comes to my spleen removal & PEs...but sadly, I have had setbacks in other areas.

I found a lump in my right breast the other night. It is not far from where the previous lump was removed. I am pretty sure that it is the same as the other one, but now to start the watch...as I will not have it removed until I am off my blood thinners.

I hope everyone is doing alright. Ive been trying to follow blogs as I can & I tweet still...but sometimes I just do not feel like I fit in the majority of the time when it comes to IF. I am stuck in a limbo spot...but I know this will get better & things will fall back in place...

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

4th of July

I hope everyone has a safe & enjoyable 4th!!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Update

Not much to say really, just wanted to say 'hello'

We are working on little projects here & there around the house. It's so hard to believe that we've been there a year! The house has been completely updated, there were just a few things we wanted to do.

1) A deck...finished today actually
2) A fence...going in in July
3) Driveway resurfaced...done a month ago

Yea, you know you are getting old when these things are the highlight of your summer, this far! But it's all coming together & looks so nice. The DH even up a porch swing out on the deck for me! I cannot wait to use it & read at night.

We are getting ready to do some summer traveling. Some for work, some for fun. I will be going on my first long car ride since the PEs, so I am a tad nervous about that. It's an 18 hour drive to my in-laws, so we will see how this all goes!

Speaking of PEs, I am almost 4 months out. I cannot believe it...hopefully in 2 months I my lungs will look good & I can come off the blood thinners. I will say though, I am VERY scared to come off them. As much as I know I have no risk for blood clots, they were strictly from my surgery, it's still hard to get through my head. I plan on starting to go to a life coach that specializes in PTSD (from the PEs) and infertility before I come off the meds..I think this will be good all around.

One last thing..the DH & I are still feel good about our adoption decision. It's been so nice to finally be living at peace & just living for the day. So for now, we could not be happier & when the time is right, we will know & we will move forward.

That is about it for now...Do you have any big summer plans?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Buh-Bye Mom Car

So 4 years ago, after we had only been married a month I bought THE car, the car that I was going to fill with children. I had been driving a Jeep & thought it would be too hard to lift a carseat up in, etc...so I opted for a wagon. Yep, a wagon!

I had dreams of 2 kids sitting in the backseat, us going on weekend trips as they watched the scenery go by. But the further we got into our infertility journey the bigger & emptier the car felt to me. After everything earlier this year too the first thing I wanted to do when I got better was get rid of the big car. I had only had it 4 years, & it was paid off, but I didn't care. I didn't need this big wagon anymore..I didn't need my mom car because I had nobody to put in the back.

I was jealous of people with 'fun' cars. Cars not made for soccer practices and dance classes. I wanted something sporty & fun...something that would work for a older child down the road...but didn't remind me of how there were no carseats in the back.

I needed this change. I feel freed by this change...amazing how a car can have so much meaning behind it. Has anyone else ever felt this way??

So Saturday I said good bye. I traded my wagon in for a fun, sporty car. I finally have a yellow car too, which I have always wanted.

So out with the old

And in with the new

Monday, May 14, 2012

Extra, Extra...Read All About It!

THE News....the news you guys have all been waiting to hear :)

Well...let me start by saying the love & support I have received this year through being sick & deciding what we were going to do about adoption has been more than I could have ever imagined.

I was scared to say that we were thinking of living childfree. I was scared of letting people know how I felt & how unsure of things I was feeling & once again, you all have been there!

After getting sick a lot changed for me...it's amazing how when you are staring death in the eyes, it puts a lot in perspective. I no longer worried so much about my infertility...I was more worried about getting & staying healthy...adoption became a speck on my radar. I hate to say that because I feel like it makes me sound like a terrible person.

As we got closer to our homestudy date...the more unsure of everything I got. It was like the big elephant in the room that I was unable to ignore, I had to do something..I just wasnt sure what!

Now my husband has been on call for jury duty all month & has to call every Friday evening. When he called Friday night he found out he was to come in...he didnt have to come today, but tomorrow...the day that was supposed to be our homestudy renewal. This was the sign I needed. I knew that I was canceling the homestudy....

Yep, that is right, I canceled our renewal. I know we will have to start all over if/when we decide to start back up with adoption, but that is a risk I am willing to take.

After more soul searching & talking with the DH we made further decisions. He has always been ok with adopting an older child but I was very dead set on getting a baby. I felt that if I could not have my own baby, I at least wanted to try to adopt the youngest child I could. Now remember how I said things change when you almost die?! Well, this was one of them. The more I thought about it, the more I thought an older child was a MUCH better option for us. We have decided that in a year or 2 if/when we start back up, we will be adopting a waiting/older child. Both my DH & I have family members that were adopted when they were older (14 & 17) & have gone on to have amazing lives & the more I got thinking about it..the older/waiting child deserve a chance, just like the infants. I no longer feel the need for an infant or know if I could even physically handle it.

I think an older child in the long run is better fit for us. I went into what will be our child's room the other night and started to clean out the baby stuff...it felt great. I will be sending things to friends and donating others to women's shelters. I am hoping that when we adopt the child will be 3-6 years old, so no need for the baby stuff & that is ok with me.

My DH & I have talked & talked about this all weekend & feel more at peace with this decision than we have this entire journey. I know this adoption path has been an extremely bumpy road for us, but that is ok..I am ok...I will be ok!

No matter if this all happens in a year or 2 or if it doesnt, I will be ok..my marriage will be ok.

Friday, May 11, 2012

5 Question Friday

Thought I would do something a bit different today & answer the Friday questions from My Little Life

1. What advice would you give a couple getting married? The wedding day is just that, a day...everything that comes after is what really matters. Don't stress about that.


2. If you could tell your 16 year old self ONE thing, what would it be?
He is NOT the one, you WILL kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince & life will be one hell of a roller coaster for you...enjoy your youth more than you did. Oh & maybe look at different colleges because once again..you WILL NOT marry him, so dont stay for him.


3. What do you do to keep cool in the summer? (AC, windows, fans, swimming, etc.)
I am all about the windows open...AC is too cold!


4. What did you (or your wife) crave most while pregnant? 
Never been pregnant, so no idea


5. Who is your favorite TV mom? Why?
I love Katey Sagal on 8 Simple Rules. I just think she is a realistic mom & possibly what I would be if I were a momma.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

From 2 to More

How do you do it? How do you go from a family of 2, well really I guess 2.5 if you count Kiso, to a family of more? How does this work after it's just been the 2 of you for so long. I know so many couples do it, they do it everyday...but honestly it worries me.

I like us. I like the routine we have & how things have really seemed to fall into place with us over the last year. I know a lot of people would say crap, you've only been married 4 years...it's not a long time & when a baby comes along it will only get better...but then again, 4 years is a long time to just be us.

I don't want to loose us in the adoption process again. I feel like our lives become nothing but adoption related...all the what ifs & whens?

But how do you do it? How do you go from 2 to more? I really need to hear stories as we get closer to our homestudy being renewed, I have so many questions. So many things to think about...when it comes to adoption, I feel so lost. I keep thinking if I could get pregnant like a 'normal' woman, then I wouldnt have all this time to think..which means I would probably be a mom by now.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

31,536,000 Seconds Ago


  • 1 year ago today we received a call about Baby M
  • 12 months ago we did one of the hardest things we have ever done...we said 'no' to Baby M
  • 52 weeks have gone by & not one of those have I not thought about her
  • 365 days ago we did something we were hoping we would never have to do
  • 8760 hours ago I was sent home from work because I could not function, could not stop crying
  • 525,600 minutes ago I went, in a daze, after telling our agency 'no' to Baby M to my doctor to only find out that I had to have a lump removed from my breast..3 days later
  • 31,536,000 seconds have passed since I could have been a mom
  • 1 year ago I may have been the closest to being a mom that I will ever get
  • 12 months ago something in Mr PCOSChick & I died
  • 52 weeks ago we truly learned how hard adoption can be
  • 365 days ago my parents cried with me for our loss
  • 8760 hours ago I became scared of being hurt by adoption again
  • 525,600 minutes ago something in me forever changed
  • 31,536,000 seconds have passed since we said 'hello' & 'goodbye' to Baby M 

Friday, May 4, 2012

4 Years

Happy 4th anniversary to Mr PCOSChick!! I cannot believe 4 years ago today we were standing on a beach, saying 'I Do'

Needless to say our 4 years have not been the easiest. We have been through our far share of crap, especially this year.

Words will never be able to express how thankful I am for this man coming into my life. For loving me no matter what, of staying by my side in all the sickness & the tad bit of health I have thrown in ;-)
I am beyond lucky for having such an amazing partner & best friend.

This year as I lay sick, twice, in the hospital he never left my side. He never was not there for me or made me feel alone. I know he deals with a lot when it comes to me..but for some reason, he still is there & strong for us. Everytime I feel like I may break...he is there to pick up my pieces....ok, you get the point, he is AMAZING!

I know a lot has changed with us over the 4 years, and we married so quickly that most never thought we would make it...but here we are...4 years later & strong than ever!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I Went In The Nursery

I haven't been in there since some point in 2011...Today, I went in. I looked at all the books staked & waiting, the clothes hanging in the closet. The stuffed animal that we brought back from DC over a year ago...the hope of a child.

I was not expecting the emotions I felt when I walked in...the tears formed instantly. My eyes watered & the thought of never seeing a child in there made my heart hurt.

I thought I was getting there..getting to the place where I could walk away from becoming a mother & be ok with it. Be ok with the 2 of us, but stepping back in that room made me think twice. I do not know if I am ready to walk away yet. I am not sure what I am ready for & I hate it. I hate the turmoil, I hate the uncertainty, the pain, the heartache.

I don't know when I will be able to go back in that room. But for now, the thought of getting rid of everything in that room breaks my heart...for now I will stay in limbo & hope one day, one way or another, I will know the right path. I will know if us renewing our home study in May is the right thing..I will know if we will live child free or as parents...

Also, I cannot thank you all enough for the love & support on my previous post. The outpouring was overwhelming & reminded me what an amazing community this is, so thank you!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Things Change

I have debated for a while on writing this post..I was not sure if I was ready to put this all out in the universe. Very few people know what has been going on in my head since January 20th & as Ive said in a previous post, I am not the same person. I am sure some of you may understand what I am saying while others may be angered by all of this...for that I am sorry, but I need to get this out there.

I do not think of infertility anymore. I do not hope to one day get pregnant, I do not even think of adoption too much. After all that has happened to me I have seen how precious life is & how lucky I am to have everything in my life. I need to enjoy what I have, embrace what I have & not continue to dwell on something I will probably never have.

When I think of adoption now I think of the hassle. I think of how I do not want to update our homestudy because of all the paperwork & money. I think about how the idea of the wait breaks my heart. How going back to living our life in limbo makes me want to cry because I have so enjoyed being able to do what we want when we want & not have to worry about getting a call or needing to do this or that. I worry about being able to do all I want in my life & pay for multiple adoptions (yes, this sounds selfish I know) I worry about adopting once & not being able to give our child everything I want for them if we adopt again & I am not sure how I feel on depriving my child of a sibling because of ultimately the cost to adopt again.

I worry about being heartbroken if something goes wrong & we have a disrupted adoption. I worry about the heartache that could happen if we had to turn down another baby. I am in a good place after everything that has happened to me, probably one of the best places I have been in years & I am unsure I am ready to possibly give that all up.

So yes, we are thinking of living child free for so many reasons. Of just being the 2 of us & Kiso (maybe a sister for him) & moving forward. But I have all the what ifs. What if we regret this down the road?

We still have a lot to think about & talk about. We will be updating our home study this summer because we are not ready to completely give up the idea of being parents & want to have this in place just in case...but only time will tell.

As stated at the beginning it is VERY hard for me to admit that we are thinking of this. I do not want people to think we are selfish or do not want to be parents...we just have a lot to think about.

Did you ever go through a phase like this? Did you choose child free or continue on your path to parenthood..I would love to hear what you all have to say!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I'm Not Crazy

Im not crazy!! I recently read an article about recovering after PEs & I have to say..it's so nice to know that what is going on in my head is not uncommon!

Everything that has happened to me has changed me. I am not who I was on January 19th, the day before I went in for surgery to have my spleen removed. I am not the same per on I was on February 8th, the day before I was admitted to the hospital for my PEs. This has all changed me. Once it hit me that 'wow, I could have died' everything changed!

I mentally have been dealing with a lot. For those of you that do not follow me on Twitter..my grandmother ended up in the hospital a few weeks after me with a massive PE & leg clot. She was at the same hospital, on the same floor...cue PTSD! I thought I was just loosing it, I thought I just couldn't handle what happened to me...especially when I was staring it in the face a few weeks later. Going back to that hospital sent me into a panic. I remember driving to the hospital & telling myself I needed to pull it together, I was acting like a fool! I now see I wasn't nuts...which is so nice!

I constantly worry the clots will come back. I know that with the blood thinners the chances of this happening are pretty much nada..but the scare is still there.

Im dealing with so much still, both mentally & physically. Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since surgery & 7 weeks since the PEs. I look forward to getting myself back..but I know that girl 10 weeks ago is forever changed.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Am

Suzy did this & even though I am on a blogging break right now, I thought it was appropriate at this time


I am… extremely tired after my first full day at work yesterday

I know… that life goes on & has amazing things in store for me


I want… feel 100% again

I wish… I did not go through everything I did the past couple of months or that myself or anyone had to deal with infertility

I fear… not making the right decision & regretting in later in life

I feel… stronger & fragile all at the same time

I smell… my puppy

I hear… Courtney's yucky voice on the Bachelor because I'm watching last nights show on DVR

I wonder… If I can truly handle working full time in 2 weeks

I believe… that everything happens for a reason

I sing… in my car, even though I am a terrible singer

I cried last… a few weeks ago when I was just so tired of everything

I can usually be found… with my 2 favorite boys in the world!

I am happy… at the thought that I get to travel for the first time since the surgery next week & meet an amazing lady from Twitter/blog world!!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

2nd Chance

It dawned on me last week..how serious everything was. The clots in my lungs were a big deal & I think I was a bit oblivious to it until last week. I do not know if I was in denial or what, but I didnt get it...I didnt realize I could have died!

I feel like I have been given a 2nd chance & I need to fully use it. I need to do things I have wanted to do, I need to do things on my bucket list...I need to live life to the fullest.

I feel like I have things to figure out & things I need to deal with & while that is happening...I do not know if I will be blogging much. I just need to focus on me....this is not good bye, just a pause for now...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

MIA

Sorry Ive been MIA. This recovery has been more than I could have ever imagined!! Just when I started feeling a bit better, I took a turn for the worse. It was weird, all the sudden I was so tired I slept most of the day, this was the first problem. I kept telling my DH, I just didnt feel like I was where I should be in my recovery, but then I would remember...I lost a whole organ & 4 pints of blood..this was probably normal.

Then 2 weeks ago I got this pain in my back. I called my surgeon & he said I had probably just tweaked something & to get a massage. Well, it went away, so I didnt think about it...until it was back! Last Wednesday morning it woke me up & it was downhill from there. Again, I thought it was just something tweaked, but it kept getting worse. By Wednesday night I couldnt sleep. It didnt matter if I was on my side, back or in a recliner, I was in so much pain. I started taking my pain pills again & they would last maybe 2 hours before the back pain was back. On Thursday morning, my DH helped me up to the bedroom & went to work. I tried to walk a lot that day, thinking I just needed to be up more, but after 15 mins, I was so tired, I had to sit back down. I ended up getting a massage appointment that night, thinking that was what I needed.

By the time the DH got home, I was in tears. I had managed to get a shower, but it took everything in me. We had talked about going to the ER, but I wanted to see what the massage brought...so off we went. Let me tell you, this was the most painful massage I had EVER had. I mean, crying, screaming, lip biting. My friend (my massage lady) really thought maybe a rib was out of place from surgery because of where the pain was, but was also a bit worried because I was retaining so much water on my back.

We left there, me almost in worse shape than when I went. By the time we got home, I was feeling better...until I went to lay down. My DH went to help me lay down in bed & the pain was so bad, it would take my breath away. I tried laying flat & just couldnt breath because it hurt so bad....so off to the ER we went.

I got in quickly since I had just had surgery, which was nice. They too thought because of where the pain was & what I was explaining again something was out of place or something. But they wanted to make sure there was no internal bleeding...so cat scan of my belly...clear. By then they had given me a muscle relaxer & pain pill to help with the pain. Mind you though, the entire time I was in the ER...my back didnt bother me, go figure! They were getting ready to discharge me with back pain & at the last minute the head of the ER decided to check my lungs...just in case, for blood clots.

I remember thinking, they are nuts! I mean, I had no signs of blood clots. I told my DH "Im going to do this test, it' going to be clear & we are going home to bed!"

Yeah, that is what I thought till they came & told me that I had blood clots in BOTH lungs!! (good thing I was on the meds) I think both the DH & I were in shock...as were the employees in the ER. They kept telling me they couldnt believe it....so this bought me a 2 night stay at the hospital.

I am lucky, we caught them early. I also have no signs of clots in my legs...so they really are not sure where they came from. The clots are all because of my surgery..apparently with your spleen holding so much blood when you remove it your body is trying to deal with what to do with all the blood your spleen holds....soooo your platelet count goes up. A normal persons count is 150,000-300,000 & mine was at almost 900,000, this causes clots!

So here I am, 30 years old & on blood thinning pills & shots. My body is responding VERY well to the meds, so I am hoping this morning is my last shot & then I will be on the pill for 12 months.

So that, my friends, is why I have been MIA. I will say however, now that we found the clots & are dealing with them it was almost IMMEDIATELY that I started feeling better...feeling like me! I even made my first solo trip yesterday! Today, I make my 2nd :)

Slowly but surely...almost 4 weeks after surgery, I think I am becoming me again!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Part 2

So Saturday, the day after surgery is where things went down hill & bought me more time in the hospital.

My heartbeat got up over 100 beats a minute, my fever was spiking at 104. They thought maybe an infection, but once they were able to get blood from me, they saw that wasn't the case. Now, to get the blood was fun...all my veins were shot, so the only way they were able to get blood was with an ultrasound  & using it to see to get blood from an artery in my groin (fun stuff I tell ya) So when the bloodwork came back, they figured then it was just my fever that was making things go faster...so Saturday & Sunday were focused on getting my fever down. The fever went down, but my heart rate stayed up...even leaving the hospital with a heart rate over 90.

I also had the majority of my tubes removed on Sunday & got up & walking. Let me just say having a GI tube taken from your nose is NOT FUN!

By Monday I was doing well enough that I got out of the special unit & was sent general. I was not happy with this, as I no longer had my own room with the nurses I had grown to like...but I knew it was a step in the right direction.

I had a few complications while in general...where my IVs were in my hands, my hands start ballooning up to where I couldnt move them, they were retaining major water. So all IVs had to be removed & moved to my 1 in my arm.

Tuesday came around & it did not look like I would be going home...so I just assumed Iwould be chilling in general for another day or so...pleasantly around 11 my Dr came in to say all bloodwork looked good & it was time to blow the joint!

Coming home was nice, however hard...my poor DH had to take off work to wait on me 24/7. But here I am a week of being home & he has been able to go back to work. I am up & moving a bit more. I had my post op yesterday, which was my first time out of the house & wore me out!! I was out for an hour & slept for 5.

My doctor is very pleased with how I am recooping...he did say that it would take another 2-3 weeks before my energy level went up...as not only did they recycle 4 pints of my blood, which is like giving 4 pints of blood, but also the spleen is a large blood holder...so I lost that blood too. I am now cleared to walk all I want & do stairs, which is nice since Ive ben stick in our basement! Then next week, if I feel like it, I can start driving short distances.

I have a couple outings planned for this weekend, so depending on how those go, I will try to possibly go to work a few hours next week & see how that goes.

Of course my biggest concern is now & always will be getting sick. The first 2 years after loosing my spleen will be my hardest; when I can get sick the easiest. My kidney & liver will take over a lot of the function of my spleen, but it takes a couple years...in the meantime I have to stay up to date on 3 special vaccines & at any sign of a cold or anything...it's off to the dr for me. This does cause me to worry a bit about starting to be around people again...but I have to & my body will build everything back up!

So that is probably about it! Thank you again everyone for you care & concern & good thoughts during all this!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Spleen Free Life-part 1

I will make this as short & sweet as possible. You are probably even lucky I do not remember it all.

So the morning of surgery we got up at 5:30 for my 6:30am arrival time. I honestly was calm, cool & collected until about 6:20 when we were almost to the hospital. Got to the hospital, checked in & got sent to get ready. Did all the fun stuff of undressing & whatnot...then they wheeled me to preop.

I had never been to this hospital before, so I assumed once I was in preop, they would get me ready & then call my DH back before I left...nope! We got off the elevator to go to preop & they told me to say my good byes to him. This did NOT sit well. I started crying like a baby. I got to preop & they 2 nurses were so sweet. I was trying to stop crying when they start telling me about a special IV that will be going in my neck & then a big needle one they needed to put in my hand. By this point, I'm acting like a baby, crying for my DH. They were soooo nice & went & got him to stay with me until the minute I went to the operating room.

I kept telling everyone I felt so stupid. I had had my fair share of surgeries & I was scared shitless of this one & couldn't stop crying...I hated it

The one nurse I guess must have asked if we had kids or something...because the next thing I know, we are talking about infertility & adoption. She was so nice about it & just calming...for once I would have rather talked about infertility than what was going on with me.

Once everything was ready & all IVs, tubes, etc in place...I was off.  I remember going into the operating room & feeling like a circus show because there were so many people in there. Between how rare my case & the complications that could have happened...I think 1/2 the hospital was in that room. I remember starting to cry a bit once I was in the room & that was it until recovery.

I was in recovery a long time while I waited for a room in a special unit of the hospital. I remember fighting to open my eyes..but it was just so hard. I have no idea how long I was there or when I got to my room...but I remember waking up & seeing my husband.

I had tubes everywhere...from my nose, my stomach...a catheter. I do not remember much of Friday night & very little of Saturday...but Saturday is where things went a bit down hill.

I don't want to bore you with all this crap...so I will make this a 2 parter...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Short & Sweet

I got home from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon & I can say it's soooo good to be home! I have slept more since I got home than the entire time at the hospital.

I still have a long road ahead of me & will type more about the surgery & everything when I have a bit more strength. But as always...thank you all again for all of your good thoughts!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Surgery Day

Today my spleen goes to splenic heaven. As you read this, I am currently loosing my spleen. After 3 weeks of this surgery hanging over my head, we are getting this show on the road.

This is my first major, non IF related, surgery in 11 years...& it's been rough on me. I am glad that this will be done & over with & I can start my road to recovery. I will not have to worry about the mass rupturing or anything...so it is a huge sigh of relief.

I will be in the hospital for 3-5 days, then home for about 4 weeks...so I am sure you guys will be getting plenty of blog post from me!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Wordless Wednesday-Smells Like Spleen Spirit

 (yes, this is what I will be wearing to the hospital on Friday)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Bloggers for Hope





Hey guys!! Can you do me a favor today?! Go stop over at Bloggers for Hope & check out my first post!

As I mentioned last week, Bloggers for Hope is a group of amazing women & a man that are talking about all aspects of infertility. This site really has it all & I am so honored & proud to be apart of this new journey for Chance to Hope. All of us authors are here for you & always more than happy to answer any questions you may have, blog about aspects you would like to hear about etc.

As their resident adoption blogger, I would love to know...what do you want me to write about? What would you like to know??

Sunday, January 8, 2012

If I Had a Good Title, I Would Put It Here

Sorry I havent written lately...things have gone from crazy to crazier. After all the stuff with my spleen we then went to spend 8 days with the in-laws & go on a mini trip with them to celebrate the hubby & I's 30th birthdays. We went to Quebec, which was a lot of fun..I had never been to Canada in the winter though & wow is it cold. All my Canadian tweeples & blog readers, I admire you for dealing with that weather. I will never say it's cold here again!

It was nice to get away for a bit & not thinking of what is coming for me in the next few weeks. As soon as I saw the hospital where my surgery will be, I felt sick. I am getting used to the idea of this surgery; I am still not happy about it & I am still scared shitless to say the least. I did find out one of my close friends has been without his spleen since he was 13. I am not sure how I did not know this before, guess you really never ask your friends if they are san spleen or not. He has really put me at ease & seeing how he lives his life, etc...well, it is really helping.

I have a lot to do in the next week & a half to get everything ready at work & home, since I will live from my bed for 4 weeks. You would think with all the surgeries I have had I would be used to all this by now, but I am not. I think the more I have, the harder they get. The harder I am on myself for feeling like my body is letting me down.

But life goes on & it can always be worse. I am just ready to get on the mend & start our adoption process again...I am ready to be a healthy mom. I'm ready...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hope In 2012

First I want to wish you all a very happy 2012. I know so many of us had a crappy 2011 & I have so much hope that 2012 will be better for us.

Speaking of Hope, I am honored & proud to announce that I am now the adoption blogger for a Chance to Hopes blogger site!! Go check out Bloggers for Hope!! This site will have bloggers writing on everything from IVF, miscarriages; even a male perspective on infertility! The site really will have it all!

So please, go check it out! Bloggersforhope.com (sorry, typing from my phone & don't know how to do links) oh & did I mention there is a give away going on right now to help celebrate the launch?!
 
Template: Blog Designs by Sheila