Friday, September 30, 2011


I have always wanted 2 or 4 kids. I was never in to odd numbers. My father is an only child & I just always felt like it was lonely for him. Then I always worried about 2 because of the middle child syndrome.

Now I would take 3, 2...whatever. But 1, well 1 is very hard for me to swallow. 1 is hard for me not to have my heart break over. I do not want to sound selfish, but 1 for so many reasons is so hard on me. I worry about LP being an only child, I worry about all that will bring for him/her.

I see my dad & all he has to do as an only child. All that the responsibility he has for his parents as the age, all he has had to do for them. I see that he has no sibling(s) to help him with his. I watch as he does this alone & how he has no bond with anyone that 'gets' it.

He had no brothers that he got to play cars with or get in trouble with. No sister that he got to give her boyfriend a hard time or pick on her. He never got siblings & how they worked. I remember being younger & if my brother & I argued or picked at each other, he thought something was wrong with us.

I don't want this for LP. I do not want LP to not have that bond with a sibling..I don't want to have him/her be in their 50s & having to worry about getting the DH & I to deed our house to them or worrying about all that will happen with our aging.

I dont know, this may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo...I am really just thinking out loud, but I need it out.

I never wanted an only child. Not because I want more, but because I want my children to have a sibling. I want them to have that 1 person that knows them better than anyone else & will have been their for them their entire life.

I hate that infertility has more than likely robbed me of this. I hate that money controls how many children I will have. I hate how this wait has made me not want to do this again...between doing it all over & also how are you a good paint as you do this all again.

I never wanted an only child...but I will be ecstatic with whatever I end up with...I just hate feeling like it takes so much away from LP

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


I feel like I haven't written on here much...but I feel like there isn't tons to write about. Yeah, I had my cervical biopsy last week & I am waiting on the results...but nothing exciting there.

Yep, still waiting for LP..imagine that! Saturday will mark 2 years since we started our adoption process...that will have it's own post (rant, whatever you wish to call it).

But I feel like I never talk about me or what else I going on in my life other than IF & adoption. There is more to me than those 2 things...but I don't know what to say or tell. What to you want to know? What do people care to hear?

So here is your chance...ask me anything none IF/adoption related...I'll share!

Sunday, September 25, 2011


(If you saw this earlier...sorry! I had copied it & had it scheduled out & didn't realize it was supposed to start today! So here is the real one!)

I'm 'borrowing' a post from a few other bloggers. Fill in the blanks...
  • If I were to get pregnant again How about getting pregnant for the first time & I truly do not feel that will happen
  • If I could have any job in the world I would be a teacher...I have always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher & still one day would love to do it!
  • If I had a day to myself I have so many errands to run & things to do around the house, that probably nothing fun would happen..I would actually be getting things done.
  • If I could get married all over again I wouldn't change the wedding at all, it was exactly what I wanted...but I would totally redo the honeymoon! Ours was awful!
  • If I could live anywhere in the US I would go East Coast...or Chicago. 
  • If I could have any talent in the world I wish I could sing. My voice is so terrible & I really wish it wasn't that bad!
  • If you met me in real life you would be surprised to know that I can be really does happen! 
  • If I could go back to school and get a different degree I would have gotten a degree in education 
  • If money were not an object I would have done donor IVF or embryo adoption or would be adopting more than once..I would also have no bills, bc I would pay cash for everything!
  • If I could meet one celebrity Sarah McLachlan
  • If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life it'd be has everything I need!
  • If we get another pet I would want either a girl yorkie to go with Kiso..or a mini Husky, if I could figure out how to keep it from shedding!
  • If I could go on a trip, RIGHT NOW, I'd want to go to Bali
  • If I had to chose between a house cleaner and a personal chef, I'd pick the chef, because I already have somebody that comes & cleans
  • If I had the option of plastic surgery I'd get a boob reduction & lift & lipo

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Scared Women

How can you hide your pregnancy, give birth to not 1 but 2 babies, kill them & then go on like nothing every happened?! Seeing stories like this make me so sad. I'm sad for the loss of the babies lives, knowing how many people out there would have been so happy to adopt them, but also for the mother.

How can somebody be so scared? How can you be so petrified that you tell nobody, no friends, no family, about their pregnancy? How can a woman feel so alone that they feel the only way to go on with their life is to end the life of a helpless newborn?

Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened. Sadly, this isn't the first time I have seen this. When I was in middle school my neighbors girlfriend did the same thing. I saw her just weeks before giving birth & had no idea she was pregnant. Her story was just like the other, just like many others we do not hear about. She was scared, she didn't want people to know. Her boyfriend, my neighbor, had no idea that she was carrying his child. She went to the bathroom, had her baby in the toilet & then killed it.

My heartbreaks. My husband & I were talking about this after seeing the article Friday about the lady that killed her twins. My DH's response to all this was "kids think they'll get in serious trouble, so they hide it and try to get away with it.  We need to make it OK to let it out."

What he is saying is so true, but how do we do that? We have let women know they can bring their children to fire departments, to hospitals; to safe havens. Up to the baby being a few days old, most states will allow the mother to leave their child with an official & no questions will be asked. When I hear of women doing this, I cannot help but think they are so brave.

We also let women know there are options of adoption. There are thousands of couples waiting to be a family. There are thousands of couples that would love to take these children in, to thank the mother for their brave decision & become a family.

But do we get the word out? How do we stop stories like these? How do we let these women know that it's ok & it will be ok. Killing your newborn is not the answer.

I never want a woman to feel that murder is the only way out...but how do I do that?!

Thursday, September 15, 2011


True Random Number Generator 1 (sorry couldn't get a screen shot to take!)

Congrats Making Monkey Soup. Your comment won!! said...
We like fall picnics and bike rides. I like the fall colors, Mea just likes to be outside. :) Please email me in order to get directions on claiming your prize!!

Monday, September 12, 2011


I have not talked about this on my blog before, but 10 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I never thought that I could be that girl. I never thought I could let a guy do that to me, but I did. I do not know how it happened, but it did.

I would not change the made me stronger. I do not talk about it often, as I hate to hear people's reaction when I tell them... "but you are so strong & independent, how did you let that happen?!" I didn't 'let' it, trust me.

But why am I sharing this now? I am because I saw this guest post on Rage Against the Minivan & I felt like Kristy's words were coming out of my mouth, that I could have wrote this.

I wanted to pass this along. I wanted to say it on my blog...I was in an abusive relationship & I did get out. I did take my life back & here I am 10 years later..I am married, I am happy...if you would have told me this 10 years ago, I would not have believed you.

I will tell you more about my story later, but until then, please take a moment to read this post.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


10 years ago I was a sophmore in college, transferring to a new college that was start on September 12th. Needless to say, we did not start due to the fact that it was so close to a major air force base & was felt to be in danger. I do not remember when we started school or what that first day was like at a new college, but I can tell you everything about September 11th.

I had a friend that went to NYU & was interning near the Towers..I remember thinking of him right away & hoping that he was fine. I remember trying for hours to call him, just to hear his voice. I remember that my watch stopped that morning & I never got a new battery for it because the mall was closed...I remember it just like it was yesterday.

They say time heals all wounds & I am not sure if I believe that...I think time just makes the wounds easier to deal with. To all the men & women that lost their lives to all the families that lost loved ones...we will never forget.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Review & Giveaway!

If you saw my last review post, you knew how pleased I was with my canvas print! Well, the parent company of Easy Canvas Prints asked me to do a review for them & also gave me the opportunity to offer my great readers some goodies!

Custom Signs offer some fun items & I must be honest, it was hard trying to decide what I wanted to make. Did I want a banner for when LP came home? How about some adoption related bumper stickers? I could not wait to figure out what I wanted to "make" myself!

After playing around on the site for a bit & seeing what all they offered, I decided to make something for my husband. I am not sure if I have mentioned on my blog that my DH is a motorcycle rider & needless to say, I have become sort f a junkie when it comes to riding with my hubby :D I love going out on rides with my hubby & enjoying a nice evening! Ok, anyways....when I saw some of what Custom Signs offered...I knew I had to get a Yamaha sign for my DH. What motorcycle rider wouldn't love a sign to hang in the garage by his bike?! So that is what I made.

Just like the canvas print, the sign was super easy to use & design with. Shipping was fast & once again, I was left a happy camper!

Custom Signs is offering one of my lucky readers a custom license plate, magnetic sign, 15 bumper stickers, large custom banner, or a custom metal or street sign. You can design & have fun!

To enter is easy...tell me what your favorite fall activity is! The deadline to enter is Wednesday, the 14th at 12am est & I will announce a winner on Thursday. You will then be able to go design your own goodies!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Sick & Tired

I am sick & tired of being sick & tired.

How much can 1 person; 1 body take?! I'm tired. I'm tired of the doctors, the fight, the heartache. 10 years now I have catered to my failing body. What have I done to make my female inners hate me so? When I was 6 did I say I didn't want to have kids & my body listened? When I was 10 did I say I never wanted my period & hated all that would happen & my body decided to stick it to me?! Whatever I may have said..I AM SORRY!

I'm tired of feeling like my body is failing me. I'm tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop...what next.

My pap results came back abnormal...the results show ASC-US, which means ASC with "uncertain significance" yay, that is fun. So now I get to have a colposcopy, a test I can say I have never had! How have I made it to be almost 30 & miss out on this fun OB test?!

I sometimes wish I had said the hell with it all last year & just said take it all. I know my body will never produce a baby, so why do I keep all these things?! "Just in case?"

I just don't think I have anymore "just in case" left in me. I'm tired of people saying I'm just in case...

I'm pretty sure I'm just in cased out! I want my life back..I'm so tired
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