Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Money Sucks (like that title?!)

Sadly, as we all know, money does not grow on trees; or at least not in my yard! If you have one, or know of one, would you mind sharing your tree??

My DH & I were talking this afternoon, & this is not the first we have touched on this subject...the subject of how many kids & money.

I hate that LP isn't even here yet & I worry about if there will be a 2nd baby. I worry about the money for a sibling for LP. I think about all we would have to go through again for another baby.

I've always wanted 2 kids. I have a brother & it always just seemed right. I have always wanted 1 of each.

My dad is an only child & I remember when we were children & my brother & I would fight & he thought it was weird & there was something wrong with us. Fast forward to now & I see my dad dealing with his parents, as they age, as an only child & it's sad.

I have nothing against only children, but I just always felt it was not for me. I always just knew, 2 kids was good for me.

Here I am though, as we get closer to LP & closer to our lives changing & I wonder...is there a way we can afford a 2nd child? Yes, at this moment we can, however, in the long run would we be able to provide LP with all we want to? I want LP to travel the world with us & go to the college of his/her choice. I want the world for LP & want to be able to give that!

I worry, will LP understand if we do not adopt a sibling? Will he or she be mad that they do not have a brother or sister or somebody like them?

All these questions & more run through my head. I just want to make the right decision...but is there ever a right decision?

What did you do? How did you know it was right?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Fill in the Blank Friday

I saw this over at Suzy's Blog, Not a Fertile Myrtle & thought it was cute, so here you go!

1.   If I could get away somewhere for the weekend I would go on a cruise and I would bring my DH, bathing suit, Kindle & iPod

2.  Something I often rant about is work, how unfair infertility can be, & crappy weather

3.  One item I need to have in my fridge at all time is onions, because I love them & feel they go in everything

4.  My "life-saving" product is does Starbucks count?! If not it, then Burt's Beeswax chapstick

5.  A friend is someone who you can call, text, or tweet any time of the night or day and they are there for you.  even if it's just to listen, hold your hand, let you vent, or read about your trials and tribulations.  someone who is there for you unconditionally! (good answer Suzy)

6.  If I could write my own blank it would be I honestly have no idea! LOL

7.  My favorite kind of art is dancing, no questions asked, hands down

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Good & the Painfully Awkward

So this week has been the week of pediatrician appointments. Thank goodness we only had to go to 2, I am not sure after today I could have taken anymore.

I will be honest, the appointment we had yesterday, from my interaction with them before hand, I was ify on them. I could have cared less about appointment #1 I had a good feeling about #2.

I had heard great things about #1 & figured I would give them a shot, even though I thought their receptionist were awful!

So anyway, the DH & I get to the first ped. & I notice right away, they have cute murals in the waiting area, a well & sick side, they had the DH & I fill out paperwork in case we were to choose them (that is confident) We were not there very long before the Dr herself came & got us from the waiting room. As we walked through the office she showed us the rooms, the lab, etc. All the nurses were VERY nice & talking with the DH & I. We went to a room, which was all done in Ohio State (major score for me). The Dr. was so cute, she must be so used to kids, she sat on a little foot stool the entire time she talked with the DH & I. She wanted to know all about our adoption, she told about her international adoption experience, etc. It was easy, she spoke with us for about 15 mins, answered any questions we had & then showed us the specialist in the office. They have a pediatric cardiologist, nutritionist, psychologist, & audiologist.

We left that office & felt good. She was even nice enough to talk to us about traveling to Colombia & what she recommended for us, shot wise, etc. She said she would hate for us to travel & have problems of our own. You could just tell she was very genuine.

Fast forward to today's appointment.... Now, keep in mind that I was excited about this appointment. The receptionist were VERY nice, they were very confident when I asked about international adoption, I just had a great feeling. We get to the office & I notice right away that there is no well & sick side; whammy #1! There were no murals, no pictures...no personality. You are dealing with kids, you have to have a little something!

So after sitting in the waiting area for about 10 minutes, a nurse came & got us & took us to a room. When we walked into the room, there was an overwhelming smell of like hand sanitizer that was enough to knock you on the floor. I already had a headache, so this was not helping! As we sat in the exam room...for 20 minutes..I looked around & even mentioned to the DH that I did not feel that exam room was as clean as the office yesterday. Again, there was NOTHING in this room to keep the child entertained, to look at or anything.

Finally after over 20 minutes the Dr walks in. This is where I wish I had pulled out my phone & just started to video tape all of this. I do not feel there is anyway to truly get across this entire appointment without you actually being there.

The Dr. walks in & he has what looks like a huge dust patch on his dark paints & a smudge so huge on his glasses that I have no idea how he can see. He proceeds to FLOP down on a stool & ask about us. Wants to know where we are from, etc. He then proceeds to tell us he went to the local Catholic high school, but married a none Catholic & didn't want their kids going there, so they went to the public high school I did. He then tells us they even wanted a say in how they were raised. After this he tells us this he goes on to nonchalantly tell us how long he has been in practice. This whole time he is still just flopped on this stool.

He then ask me WHERE I AM DELIVERING! WHAT?!? A) I DO NOT look pregnant B) Did you not pay attention to anything we told the receptionist or our notes?? Ok, so I let it pass, although I am sure the look on my face was that of shock. By this point the appointment has gone from awkward to VERY awkward. I tell him we are adopting from Colombia. Now what he tells us that he has dealt with international adoption & even had 2 kids from China with lead poisoning. That you have to be able to look for other things...but he has never seen malaria & may not know what it looked like...WHAT?!?

Ok, by this point I want out of this room...there are long, weird silences & my skin is crawling! I keep looking at the DH & you can tell he is dying to.

This is where the doctor really gets good! He talks about how you never know what you are going to get with a child & we are the same way. He goes on to tells us that his one son now his diabetes & he wouldn't have wanted that & I quote you, "but what, would we have aborted because of that, you wouldn't want to abort"

What??? Abortion...ok, get me out of this room! By this point I am looking at the DH & going, well, I think you have answered all of our questions, do you have any?? Like maybe this weird ass doctor would get the point. I must have said this 4 times, because he wasn't catching on.

Finally I just got up & said, ok, we have to go now! I walked out, I just couldn't take it anymore. I literally ran out of that office because I was going to bust out laughing.

Of course, we started thinking of all the things we could have said, that is how it always is after the fact. Like when he asked where I was delivering, I should have started crying & said "see, I told you I was fat."

But wow! I cannot imagine anyone meeting with this guy & thinking, you know, he is a great doctor, I want to come back to him!

I mean, I think we knew a lot of what he was trying to say with certain things, but he sure didn't have a way of saying it properly.

After today, we cannot do anymore, because if we have to sit in a small exam room & go through what we did today again...we may go crazy!

We really liked the one yesterday & this guy just made us like her even more....so we made our decision!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011


I have always been a fan of breastfeeding & of all the things I felt like I was missing out on with adoption, this was #1. It wasn't even so much the experience of it all, as it was the good for the baby.

You may or may not have read this post back in February, where I shared that I wanted to try to at least pump, if not breastfeed LP. I had done my research, I had talked to people...it was possible, I could do it.

I have however, had more time to really sit & think about it, along with talking with others & I am starting to realized I have A LOT working against me.

*The fact that I have PCOS makes is harder to produce milk, whammy #1.
*Strike number 2 is the age that LP will be. I always knew that LP probably wouldn't breastfeed because of his/her age, but then I got thinking, it may even be time to ween from bottles. Also, the nutrients needed from the breastmilk are not as needed by the age LP will be once home.

There are a lot of other reasons, but I will not bore you with them all. It breaks my heart, it really does...but in the long run, I know this will be the best for both LP & I.

I can honestly say that this, out of everything I will be missing from not being able to have a child is that I will not breastfeed.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


It's nice to be back at ICLW, I have missed it the past couple of months!

If you are new here, here is the background info on the DH & I

Just a quick fill in on what has been going on....

2 weeks ago I had a lump removed from my breast that the Dr has been watching for over a year & was not getting better...only larger

3 weeks ago we turned down a referral for a little girl, which has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The good news that came from this was that we are only waiting with 10 other families for our age group. It could be as soon as the end of this month that we get another referral.

We have also had our baby shower & it is so unreal to be how loved LP already is!

Other that those 2 things, just enjoying the spring & ready for summer! I think this summer is going to bring big things for us!

Thanks for stopping by!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Why My Pictures?

Why did I post those pictures earlier for Wordless Wednesday? I wanted to show my readers why it is soooo very important to do you self exams. I will be the first to admit I was not good at them. I liked to tell the dr I was, but that was a lie! This was a scare...this was a scare that nobody should have to deal with. Had this been cancer, it may have been too far along for me, who knows?

I am now lump free....It hurt, not going to tell you it didn't. The week after picture does not even full show the bruising....but you know, I'm here, I am ok, I am lucky!

I promise to my readers, I will be regular with my self breast exams from here on out....won't you promise too??

Wordless Wednesday-Why You Self Check **graphic warning**

Few hours after surgery

Week after surgery

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dear 16 Year Old Me

This has nothing to do with adoption or infertility, however it's VERY touching, moving & oh so important. Coming from somebody that has watched 3 close family members deal with this disease, I know how important it is to be checked...please, take a moment to watch this powerful video!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Day 10-Last Day

The last day of the 10 challenge. It is one picture...of me!

Friday, May 13, 2011

2 Songs on Day 9

2 songs:

1) Landslide
2) Adia

Thursday, May 12, 2011


I've been hiding behind my post this week. I had this 10 day post set & scheduled before everything even went down last week, so needless to say, the timing could not have been more perfect.

I think I have hid behind these post, using them as the though they were truly me posting & not dealing with all that was going on. Not writing about things I did not want to deal with.

A week ago today we said no to Baby M. Now that I know her name, I will refer to her as Baby M. Here I am, a week later, officially signing our letter & turning her down. Saying it's heartbreaking is an understatement. It has gotten better over the past week, but it is still hard. I hurt for M. I hurt for me. I hurt for what may have been.

I have a picture in my head...of what I think she looks like. I picture this little beauty & I smile. I know she will be making some other family VERY happy & she will be their "missing piece."

I felt wrong on Sunday having a baby shower & celebrating. I felt bad that it was not a shower where we announced that we having a girl & what her name was. I will say that the shower was a great distraction & did help me forget for a bit!

M will always have a place for her in my heart. I know what we did was right, I know my LP is still out there & once I get to hold him/her, I will understand why M was not my baby.

I've also been hiding from my surgery on Monday.

I'm angry...I'm mad that I'm 29 & dealing with things no 29 year should have to. I'm mad that on top of not having children, I now have a 4" scar across my boob. Now, do not get my wrong, I am SO VERY THANKFUL that (as of now) it is not cancerous & it could always be worse. I know I shouldn't be pissed, but I am.

I am mad that I wasn't able to make it through the year without having a surgery. I am mad that this hurts a hell of a lot worse than I thought it would & actually think it makes a lap look like a walk in the park (sad, I know).

I'm tired, so I'm hiding.

But I have to keep remembering that things are going to turn around. LP will be home soon, I will not have to worry about this lump anymore....things will calm down!

Day 7

It's day 7 already & that means 3 films.

1) Splash
2) Garden State
3) Father of the Bride

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Four Books

1) My Sister's Keeper
2) Where the Sidewalk Ends
3) Plain Truth
4) I Do, Now What?: Secrets, Stories, and Advice from a Madly-in-Love Couple

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Day 5 & My 5 Foods

1) Crab Legs
2) Kraft Mac n Cheese
3) Twizzlers
4) Cooked Cauliflower
5) Bread...of any kind

Monday, May 9, 2011

Oh The Places You Will Go...Day 6

Today is day 6, so 6 places..places I've been, places I want to go

1) Bali, Indonesia
2) Curacao
3) St Thomas
4) Berlin, Germany
5) St Vincent
6) Athens, Greece

Sunday, May 8, 2011

My 7 Wants

1) Botox in my fret lines on my forehead
2) To have some idea of where we are on the list for LP
3) For our place to sell quickly & find a great new home to bring LP home to
4) To get a personal grocery shopper for us...yep, hate the grocery enough to pay somebody to do it!
5) To donate more to the Cancer Society
6) To finally find time to have my car detailed
7) For Kiso to be WONDERFUL with LP when he or she comes home & give us no problems

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Eight Fears

1) Snakes, they give me the heeby geebies just seeing them
2) Small spaces, holy claustrophobic
3) Heights...I am trying to beat this & I am coming along
4) Quiet...I cannot stand it, to the point where it will freak me out
5) Something happening to my DH & me having to be without him
6) Never being able to give LP everything I want & they deserve
7) LP not accepting the DH & I as their family
8) Loosing my grandparents..I know it will happen eventually, but it still scares the crap out of me

Friday, May 6, 2011

Picking Up The Pieces

I am putting the pieces back together.

I did not realize how much a little girl, in another country, that I have never even seen could impact my life.

I knew going into this adoption journey that something like this could happen. That a baby could be referred to us, that sadly would not be a baby we would be able to accept. As much as I knew this was a possibility & as much as I had heard stories such as this, I wanted to ignore this. I wanted to think that it would not happen to us. I liked living in my little naive world, it was easier that way...that was until yesterday.

I knew when we got the call, that this one was different than the others we had gotten. I could just tell by the way the conversation was started. I knew right away I needed to get my DH & have him on speaker phone with us. Thank goodness I did, because I just broke down crying as soon as I heard what was going on...I was useless from there on out.

I know what we did was right, I know we made the decision for a reason, but it is still hard. I worry about her & what will happen to her....but in my heart, I know she was not our LP. I still will hold a special place for her in my heart, but she was not our LP.

I have to look at the bright part of this & that is the ball is rolling...they are giving referrals & it is possible that it could be as soon as the end of the month we receive another one. This is a good thing for us!

My heart hurts still & may for awhile. My family & the DH's family is behind us 110% on our decision & our friends have been here for us...this has helped tremendously.

I know when LP is in my arms, I will understand all this..I will understand why she was not the one for us.

Day 2

Day 2, my 9 loves-in no particular order

1) My Kiso boy
2) Sarah McLachlan
3) My DH & how he calms me
4) Traveling
5) Starbucks on my way to work
6) The smell of vanilla (ask anyone who comes to my house)
7) My Man/Pedi time
8) LP, even though I know nothing about him or her
9) My Temperpedic bed...hey, don't judge

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I Don't Know What to Say...

Other than I am heart broken....we got a referral today for a little girl & sadly had to turn her down. I do not want to go into any further details...however this is way harder than I could have ever imagined. I know we made the best decision for both us & this little one, but still, I am a mess.

I am trying to be positive, as we did find out there are only 11 couples waiting for babies our age & it could be as soon as the end of the month that we could get another referral.

In other news, I went to the doctor for my year check up on the lump is my breast & it has only gotten bigger & needs to be removed..I am having surgery on Monday...yep, as in the day after my baby shower (which I cannot say I am in the celebrating mood right now)

Today Sucks A%*

10 Days of Me

I saw this & thought it was a good challenge, so I decided to give it a shot!

So here we are, day 1 & here are 10 secrets about me!

1) I am named after somebody I have never met & probably will never meet
2) The big toenails on both my feet are fake
3) I have a scar on my forehead from running into a table leg when I was messing around at my grandparents when I was about 5
4) I hate socks & would wear sandals in the winter if my feet wouldn't freeze off
5) I never dreamed of my wedding day growing up, but it was everything I could have ever wanted & more
6) I drink Starbucks way more than I should or let on...opps
7) I've always wanted to be a dermatologist
8) I'm obsessive when it comes to my eyebrows...I'm a pluck-a-holic
9) I worry about LP not liking us
10) I don't chew my nails...I chew around them

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Not So Wordless Wednesday-3

Today is brought to you by the number 3!!

3 years ago today I married the most amazing man. In this 3 years we have had our fair share of crap, that is for sure...but there sure have been a lot of good times too!

I cannot believe it's been 3 years already. Here we are almost 2 years into our adoption journey & hoping to become parents during our 3rd year.

I cannot believe how lucky I am to be on this journey with such an amazing person. He has been my rock during this difficult part of our relationship as we dealt with our infertility, but also been my laughing buddy & "partner in crime."

So today is brought to you by the #3! The number of years we have been married & hopefully the number of people in our family sometime soon!!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

NIAW Winner

Congrats Special K, you are the winner of the NIAW giveaway!!! Please email me your address so I can get your Hope bracelet in the mail for you!
Thank you everyone that entered!

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