Monday, October 24, 2011

Heartache

I try to be strong, I try not to let this all get my down. I refuse to let infertility get to me. I will not let it define me...but today, today my heart hurts. With our decision to wait, I will turn 30 and not be a mother. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would be 30 and not either already be a mom or have one on the way...but here I am, a little over 2 months away & no baby.

Something has also hit me...I will never carry a baby. I will never feel a kick, I will never watch my bell swell as my little one grows.

I have to remember on days like today, when my heart hurts so physically bad...it will be ok! I cannot be mad at myself for having days like this. I WILL be a mother & every heartache, every tear will all be worth it once LP is in my arms...I MUST remember this!

16 comments:

  1. Thinking of you! Wish I could say something to take the hurt away. Take good care of YOU!

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  2. Every emotion we feel will definitely be worth it when holding our little ones in our arms. It was my plan to always have a baby before I turned 30. Now I laugh and move on :) Big hugs to you today!

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  3. I'm sorry you are struggling today. You are right, you WILL get there and you WILL be an amazing mom.

    Big hugs.

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  4. Milestones are rough. Thinking of you.

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  5. I wish you all the luck. I know it hurts, but you'll get through it.

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  6. :(
    God has His own perfect timing, trust that.

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  7. Big hugs, sweet friend. Thinking of you! <3

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  8. I'm so sorry, D. I really am. That's the thing about taking breaks, it gives your heart time to hurt and also time for you to reflect. The fact is, you will be a fantastic mom when it happens, and I know that you will eternally appreciate Little P for everything he/she is with all of your heart. Hold on to that thought as hard as you can, and carry it with you during this break.
    (((hugs))) again.

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  9. This time last year, I was feeling the exact same way as you are. Staring down the barrel of 30 with no baby in sight, when I thought that I would have had at least one child by now.

    You will get there. You will be a great mom. And I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.

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  10. Sorry it was a tough day. You're not alone and I wish I lived near you to take you out for a drink or just give you a big hug. I feel like this sometimes too...and I think it's normal. We always feel like we have to appear so strong for everyone else, but sometimes...we just have to "feel" ... and it's okay. Thinking of you!

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  11. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I remember feeling this way almost a year ago...I was a couple months from my 30th birthday with no kids, no pregnancy, no degree (fertility cost and military moves made college tough). I cried for almost a week.
    30 turned out to be the best year of my life...I'm wishing nothing but the same for you!

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  12. Let yourself grieve the situation. It's so hard with each milestone that passes, but allowing your heart to hurt for bit, just means you care that much! Best wishes in your journey to become a mom!

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  13. I used to think of that often, but now, not so much. It's cliche, I know, but it doesn't seem as big of a deal now... now, as we see the 'payment' for our adoption, I get jealous that people don't have to 'pay' that much to have a baby. I'm grateful don't get me wrong, but that's my 'ugh' point now.

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  14. Yes, don't feel bad about having days like this. We all have days like this. I have had so many days like this. Turning 30 was hard on me too knowing that I wasn't a mom & there is a really big chance I never will be. Making the decision to live child free wasn't an easy one, but it was one I had to make to keep from letting infertility define me. I hope that you don't have many more of these days and that you will have the baby of your dreams!
    `ICLW 83

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  15. I felt the same way about turning 30 last month. I imagined I would be in a different place, with a few little ones by now, but that wasn't God's plans, and I wait... not patiently, but I wait.

    Hoping tomorrow's a better day for you. Sending you lots of hugs!

    Carmela
    ICLW #77

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  16. I felt like that At 30, and sadly, again at 40. There's nothing to ease the ache of things that will not happen, but know have faith in the joy that will come from the things that WILL happen. You will know the happiness (and trials!) of motherhood. It's just coming to you differently than you had planned. Hugs!
    Pix--http://curdsandkimchi.blogspot.com

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