Thursday, May 12, 2011

Hiding

I've been hiding behind my post this week. I had this 10 day post set & scheduled before everything even went down last week, so needless to say, the timing could not have been more perfect.

I think I have hid behind these post, using them as the though they were truly me posting & not dealing with all that was going on. Not writing about things I did not want to deal with.

A week ago today we said no to Baby M. Now that I know her name, I will refer to her as Baby M. Here I am, a week later, officially signing our letter & turning her down. Saying it's heartbreaking is an understatement. It has gotten better over the past week, but it is still hard. I hurt for M. I hurt for me. I hurt for what may have been.

I have a picture in my head...of what I think she looks like. I picture this little beauty & I smile. I know she will be making some other family VERY happy & she will be their "missing piece."

I felt wrong on Sunday having a baby shower & celebrating. I felt bad that it was not a shower where we announced that we having a girl & what her name was. I will say that the shower was a great distraction & did help me forget for a bit!

M will always have a place for her in my heart. I know what we did was right, I know my LP is still out there & once I get to hold him/her, I will understand why M was not my baby.

I've also been hiding from my surgery on Monday.

I'm angry...I'm mad that I'm 29 & dealing with things no 29 year should have to. I'm mad that on top of not having children, I now have a 4" scar across my boob. Now, do not get my wrong, I am SO VERY THANKFUL that (as of now) it is not cancerous & it could always be worse. I know I shouldn't be pissed, but I am.

I am mad that I wasn't able to make it through the year without having a surgery. I am mad that this hurts a hell of a lot worse than I thought it would & actually think it makes a lap look like a walk in the park (sad, I know).

I'm tired, so I'm hiding.

But I have to keep remembering that things are going to turn around. LP will be home soon, I will not have to worry about this lump anymore....things will calm down!

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I think all your feelings are normal and justified. I still think about the little boy we turned down last summer. He tugs at our hearts. I found out through an adoption board that he was matched to another family and is doing so well. I think both my DH and I smiled the entire day we found that out. He found the perfect family, and I'm sure baby M will too. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It's hard, but I can totally relate to what you are feeling.

    Hang in there.

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  2. ((hugs))

    even though you know it was the right decision for you, I'm sure it hurts like hell. LP is coming, though, and all of this will make so much more sense then.

    so sorry that the surgery was much more painful than you expected and I hope this is the last one you need to have for a long, long time! Rest up this weekend.

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  3. I'm so sorry that the first referral wasn't the right one. And that you had to have surgery and all the other worries at the same time. It's a lot to handle and it's okay to hide for a bit while you process <3

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