Thursday, May 12, 2011
I think I have hid behind these post, using them as the though they were truly me posting & not dealing with all that was going on. Not writing about things I did not want to deal with.
A week ago today we said no to Baby M. Now that I know her name, I will refer to her as Baby M. Here I am, a week later, officially signing our letter & turning her down. Saying it's heartbreaking is an understatement. It has gotten better over the past week, but it is still hard. I hurt for M. I hurt for me. I hurt for what may have been.
I have a picture in my head...of what I think she looks like. I picture this little beauty & I smile. I know she will be making some other family VERY happy & she will be their "missing piece."
I felt wrong on Sunday having a baby shower & celebrating. I felt bad that it was not a shower where we announced that we having a girl & what her name was. I will say that the shower was a great distraction & did help me forget for a bit!
M will always have a place for her in my heart. I know what we did was right, I know my LP is still out there & once I get to hold him/her, I will understand why M was not my baby.
I've also been hiding from my surgery on Monday.
I'm angry...I'm mad that I'm 29 & dealing with things no 29 year should have to. I'm mad that on top of not having children, I now have a 4" scar across my boob. Now, do not get my wrong, I am SO VERY THANKFUL that (as of now) it is not cancerous & it could always be worse. I know I shouldn't be pissed, but I am.
I am mad that I wasn't able to make it through the year without having a surgery. I am mad that this hurts a hell of a lot worse than I thought it would & actually think it makes a lap look like a walk in the park (sad, I know).
I'm tired, so I'm hiding.
But I have to keep remembering that things are going to turn around. LP will be home soon, I will not have to worry about this lump anymore....things will calm down!
Posted by PCOSChick at 3:26 PM