Saturday, February 5, 2011

Yesterday

When you are told over & over for years that you will never have a biological child, you eventually become okay with that fact. Then when you find out your husband has azoo, you deal & you move on. The idea of ever getting pregnant leaves all thoughts for you.

For me, I mourned & then I moved forward. Seeing pregnant women no longer hurt my heart; going to baby showers no longer became a reason for me to work that day. I truly became at peace with everything & felt this was the path the DH & I were meant to be on.

So when Dr. Phonebook told me yesterday I needed to take an HPT because I could possibly be having a miscarriage, I just could not wrap my brain around it. I CAN:t get pregnant, so why are we worried I am/was?! What? How? <>

Now, why would Dr. Phonebook even think any of this? My surgery was 8 weeks ago Thursday & I have been bleeding every other week for 6 of those. The first couple of times, I thought no big deal. I mean it was the worst 'period' I have ever had; the pain, the cramps, the clots, well...you get the point. I just figured that was my body dealing with the loss & cleaning out, so I did not think much of it. When I talked to my acupuncturist, he thought the same thing...so ok.

Then this week when it started it was bright red, very heavy with some more clots. I have NEVER had bright red. After it didn't change after a few days, I figured that is when I needed to call Dr. Phonebook-little did I know that call would throw me for one heck of a loop.

First I cried because of the thought of miscarrying, then I cried because how did this happen, then I cried because I wasn't prepared for any of this!

I did go take a pregnancy test...which let me tell you, I forgot how expensive those things were! I also wanted to be like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride. I didn't need 2 hpt's, I only needed 1. I was going to start ripping the 1 out, just like he did with the hot dog buns!!

I took the test & I must say, that was the most beautiful negative I have seen. That helped to reassure me that I was not miscarrying & my body is just still adjusting to everything.

I do have an appt. with Dr. P on Monday afternoon to try to figure out what is going on. I must say though this all made me realize a lot.

Before I say what it helped me realize, I just want to remind people this blog is here so I can get my feelings out, so pllllllllllleeeeeaaaassssse, do not judge!

I do not want to be pregnant. I want to completely 110% wipe that thought from my brain. I am not cut out to be pregnant for sooooo many reasons. 1) my body sucks 2) my brain no longer can wrap itself around the thought of being pregnant, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc. 3) my baby is in Colombia & wouldn't have it any other way.

The whole ordeal yesterday sent me on an emotional roller coaster I was not prepared for & for everyone that was there for me, thank you!

I just want to figure out what is going on & going back to my happy place where I cannot get pregnant & forget it can even happen.

10 comments:

  1. Sorry you have been going through so much.
    It is good to hear that you can be OK with not being able to have a child. What I mean is, is that it reassures me that maybe one day I will get there too.
    Hope the bleeding stops soon.
    x

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  2. What a ride. I'm glad that it was negative so that you didn't have to go through the feelings of a miscarriage and that you can get back on the track that you want.

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  3. Wow, that's insane! And I totally get your reason for not wanting to be pregnant. That makes complete and total sense to me. I hope your doc can figure out what's up!

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  4. Oh, my. Yes, I can see how that would throw you for a loop!

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  5. It's so amazing how at peace you now are with with the way your motherhood is intended to play out. It's so good you have no bitterness towards pregnant women or that you are past the point of wanting to be pregnant because your plan is set in front of you. All of this just goes to show how READY you are to be a mom to the baby God has chosen for you in Columbia. You are so refreshing. I hope that someday my secondary infertility will not leave me bitter and upset, but for now...I still avoid pregnancy women and baby showers. :)

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  6. I can relate completely. Somedays I pray for someone to tell me to give up, it's not going to happen and they are certain of that so we can move on down a different path. I think being told that is the only way I will ever be 'okay' with not being pregnant. Its the only way seeing a preg person, or going to a baby shower, or passing a maternity store won't tear my heart out. I am so happy you have your dream and your future baby in Columbia and am happier still that one day (soon) they will be with you here!

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  7. Wow, that's a mind-bender. I'm sorry you went through it. I hope some day I'm as at peace about pregnancy as you are. I'm thrilled to be adopting and I feel like my baby is in Africa, but I still glared a bit at the pregnant lady attending our adoption education course yesterday!

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  8. I can definitely see how that experience would be stressful. The more that I get into this, the more I hope that I never get pregnant. As horrible as that sounds, I think getting pregnant and being some kind of statistical anomaly would only make me angry at this point when I've worked through a lot of my emotions about never being pregnant. Just slightest chance that it could happen makes me annoyed. I'd almost rather have no chance whatsoever, so I didn't even have to think about it.

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  9. Whoa, I missed all of this. What a ride, I'm so sorry you went through it. I hope the bleeding lets up soon.

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  10. Oh God, I've been there too. I also have PCOS and have to deal with doctors telling me to do HPTs even though the possibilities are laughable. I too went recently through a medical ordeal, and one of my random thoughts while under lots of pain was whether or not I was having a miscarriage. Nobody should be there ever.

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