When you are told over & over for years that you will never have a biological child, you eventually become okay with that fact. Then when you find out your husband has azoo, you deal & you move on. The idea of ever getting pregnant leaves all thoughts for you.
For me, I mourned & then I moved forward. Seeing pregnant women no longer hurt my heart; going to baby showers no longer became a reason for me to work that day. I truly became at peace with everything & felt this was the path the DH & I were meant to be on.
So when Dr. Phonebook told me yesterday I needed to take an HPT because I could possibly be having a miscarriage, I just could not wrap my brain around it. I CAN:t get pregnant, so why are we worried I am/was?! What? How? <>
Now, why would Dr. Phonebook even think any of this? My surgery was 8 weeks ago Thursday & I have been bleeding every other week for 6 of those. The first couple of times, I thought no big deal. I mean it was the worst 'period' I have ever had; the pain, the cramps, the clots, well...you get the point. I just figured that was my body dealing with the loss & cleaning out, so I did not think much of it. When I talked to my acupuncturist, he thought the same thing...so ok.
Then this week when it started it was bright red, very heavy with some more clots. I have NEVER had bright red. After it didn't change after a few days, I figured that is when I needed to call Dr. Phonebook-little did I know that call would throw me for one heck of a loop.
First I cried because of the thought of miscarrying, then I cried because how did this happen, then I cried because I wasn't prepared for any of this!
I did go take a pregnancy test...which let me tell you, I forgot how expensive those things were! I also wanted to be like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride. I didn't need 2 hpt's, I only needed 1. I was going to start ripping the 1 out, just like he did with the hot dog buns!!
I took the test & I must say, that was the most beautiful negative I have seen. That helped to reassure me that I was not miscarrying & my body is just still adjusting to everything.
I do have an appt. with Dr. P on Monday afternoon to try to figure out what is going on. I must say though this all made me realize a lot.
Before I say what it helped me realize, I just want to remind people this blog is here so I can get my feelings out, so pllllllllllleeeeeaaaassssse, do not judge!
I do not want to be pregnant. I want to completely 110% wipe that thought from my brain. I am not cut out to be pregnant for sooooo many reasons. 1) my body sucks 2) my brain no longer can wrap itself around the thought of being pregnant, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc. 3) my baby is in Colombia & wouldn't have it any other way.
The whole ordeal yesterday sent me on an emotional roller coaster I was not prepared for & for everyone that was there for me, thank you!
I just want to figure out what is going on & going back to my happy place where I cannot get pregnant & forget it can even happen.