Monday, January 17, 2011

When a Man & a Woman...

I have a question that I want to look a bit closer at! I actually brought this up with Katie at Fromiftowhen & I think she was a bit perplexed, like myself!

I heard this last week, probably on the radio & I keep thinking about it. When it boils down to it, I probably should not be thinking about it as much as I am-but this is how I work & I cannot help it!!

So when it comes time to explain the birds & the bees to your child, most parents like to go with the "when a man & a woman love each other...." speech.

But how does this work when your child is adopted? "When a man & a woman love each other, they start paperwork?!" I do not think that is the way to go.

I think of this conversation & it's not always the most comfortable talk to have in the first place, but what do you do with it when you cannot bring any personalization to the question your child is asking?

Just something to examine & ponder! Any thoughts on this one?!


  1. I guess I think of it in technical terms of how a baby is made, not so much how you came into our lives. KWIM? This is coming from someone whose mother told her, at age 4 no less, that the penis goes into the vagina. This left me wondering for awhile what the heck a penis and vagina were. LOL!

  2. I can't wait to read what everyone has to say about this. You really got the wheels turning in my brain with this one!

  3. I think in light of the way technology has taken over the babymaking stuff we are all going to have a "Twist on the Talk". While I don't know how your talk will go, it will be the right words...just like mine will. How to explain that "most/some people" can't have unprotected sex because it results in a baby while I try to explain that you my sons were made in a dish and put back in mommy while daddy watched? It's so convuluted at that point that I plan to put a WHOLE DAY aside to have the talk...leaving nothing to chance.

    the fundamental talk is the same, because when you're having it, you're trying to educate your child about not only s*x, but love...intimacy and the reasons there are to wait before you make the decision to go 'there".
    Not necessarily how YOU got here..that is another talk that demands more of our personal story...why, how, when , we got to you. But for the Tweens that will need to know the fundamentals of "doing it" I think we can stay on point..and then answer questions related to "our family"

    because I am not an adoptive parent it's hard for me to answer this ...I come from IVF and that's hard enough. However....I would think that starting with 'When mommy and daddy fell in love we knew we wanted a baby like you in our life and so we tried and tried to make a family...and we found out that we couldn't from doctors and other people so what we did was choose to make our family another way..(and then go into the adoption the way you feel comfortable)

    it's a great question..and one that I will probably think about for a while.

  4. I have to admit your comment of when a man and woman... they start paperwork... gave me a much needed smile and laugh! On a serious note you do raise a very good point. I will have to think about that a little before I make any worthy comments :)

  5. i know, i feel ya on this hard! because i don't want choi boy to think that he was second best by saying, "since we couldn't have a baby from our own bodies...blah, blah..." you you know? i'm checking back here to see what everyone else says!

  6. This is what I would say...

    Everyone is life has a journey and a path to a family. Just like people are not the same either is this process. Some people start their families the old fashioned way while others need to do extra things in order to have a little boy or girl. Some will go to doctors that will help them have a child. Some will go searching around the world that special child that was supposed to join their family. The most important thing for you to remember not matter what path you came from is that you are loved! They only way to have a baby or child is through love.

    So at first I thought this was easy, then as I wrote I realized how hard it actually was! I gave it my best shot!

  7. #124

    My husband is infertile and just doens't make the hormone that makes swimmers, I have unexplained infertility (we used a donor). Anyway, we adopted domestically 2009. We have talked about expanining the story of her adoption because wanted to make sure we were both on the same page and were saying the same thing.

    Anyway, we decided we are going to tell it like a story and explain that mommy and daddy could't get pregnant so they looked all over, they looked in PA, they looked in DE, they looked in AL, they looked in UT, and then one day they got a call from someone FL telling them that their baby ahd finally arrived, that there was a mommy who loved her baby very much but could't raise her baby but since she loved her baby so much she wanted her to go to another Mommy and Daddy who would love and take care of her just as much as she would. (in reality we're not being honest there, but we would NEVER say anything negative about her bio mom who did an amazingly selfless thing) Mommy and daddy flew to FL where they met the most perfect baby in the whole world and the God had meant for them to be in our family.

    I also have the the name of a website where you can buy a personalized book that tells child specific story. It's a bit pricey, but I think worth it. Especially if someone has formed their family through a combination of different methods (adoption + IVF)

  8. wow - what a question - and interesting discussion, Really interesting discussion. I've also thought A LOT about this question, since we have decided to use a donor. I've thought about the books that we will stock our childrens library with so that our child's story is always a part of their story. I guess i've thought that books would help us engage in "the talk" long before it is something that is a big deal. I figure that those early talks will give ML and I time to practice telling the story while our babies are still too little to understand what we are saying.

    Unrelated, yet totally related, is my desire to have our family conceived with love, regardless of if that conception happens in our bedroom or in a dr's office, or in some other way. I've had to embrace a broader view of conception that will include the way that our family has been and will be conceived.

    There are the details that we will eventually have to get into, but for a long time, the only thing that will matter is "love". Love is what our families will be built on. love.

  9. I heard somewhere a long time ago that an adopted baby grew in his/her Mommy's heart instead of her tummy. I've always liked that. It seems an entirely appropriate way to begin the conversation with a child who is beginning to wonder where he came from. Obviously you'll have to get to the paperwork part at some point when the child is old enough, but you start with the heart...


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