Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's Happened...

Well, it happened last night. It all hit me. It hit me that I no longer have a left ovary & tube. It pissed me off because I have NO & I mean NO sex drive. I cried because I feel fat & less of a woman.

I cried, big, ugly, blubbering tears to my husband.

I don't know where to go from here. I know I cannot stay like this. I know the surgery was the right thing to do & I would not take it back. I really think it is going to make my life better & I have not a doubt in my mind about that-but how do I deal with the side effects.

How do you deal with the fact that you have this amazing husband, who loves you, stands by you & you do not feel good enough for him? How do you look at him & have NO desire to be with him?!

How do I look in the mirror & see who I used to be? I don't know who that woman is that looks back at me anymore.

It's finally happening...I'm trying to deal, but right now I don't think I am dealing so well.

I plan to getting back to my full workout routine tomorrow, I know I can loose the weight-I know I can get my body back (or at least I hope). I have the mind set that I WILL get my body back...so I am hoping that helps.

But how do I get my sex drive back? How do I become that sexy woman that wanted her husband so again? I love him, I want to be with him & it is breaking my heart that there isn't a hormone in my body that wants to help me with that.

I sit here & write in tears...I don't like what I have become....I want ME!

16 comments:

  1. Oh honey - I'm so sorry you're feeling this! It's a LOT to deal with.

    I don't have any suggestions other than maybe a few visits with a therapist just to work it through in your mind. And who knows, they might be able to recommend a supplement or Rx to help the hormones level out.

    I wish I had more to offer - as it is ((HUGS))

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  2. Oh dear, you really emotional right now. Losing an ovary is no small thing. Battling infertility is also no small thing. Your sex drive has definitely taken a beating. I would say treat this like the rest of your infertility battle. You have to do what you have to in order to get things in order.

    It's perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling. It's normal to feel that you have somehow failed your dear husband who has stood behind you. I am also suffering with those same emotions related to my dear husband as I've battled weight control, non-existent periods, and relentless infertility.

    You probably need to speak with a therapist to help with the emotional pieces. It would be good to speak with your doctor about your hormones as well. If you have an imbalance, you may be able to take synthetic hormones to replace what you've lost.

    Hang in there - this is one of the many hurdles in your life and you can and WILL get through this. ((hugs))
    - Cysterworld

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  3. I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom to offer here but I can say that I think everything you are and are not feeling is completely normal and understandable. One of the best things you can do right now is to give yourself a break and not be too hard on yourself. You are one of the most inspiring and courageous women I've ever met. You will feel like you again and you will have days when you don't but know that no matter what, you have an tons of love and support behind you from all of us, and specially from your husband.

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  4. I have no claim on knowing anything about PCOS but I do know that exercise and sex drive go hand in hand. I have battled my weight forever and if I'm not working out on a normal basis, forget it. I have no desire to have sex. It may be totally hormonal for you though too. After I learned I couldn't have more kids naturally (I have 2 bio boys), I went to a therapist, and it's the best decision I've ever made. I'm not suggesting it's the right path for you, I just want to share how much it's helped me with my sadness. Hang in there. There is always a rainbow after the storm.

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  5. I don't really have any advice, other than to say you're not alone. I have struggled with this for several years and it's exhausting. I don't want it to be this way, but it's not like a flip to be switched. I think maybe the therapy route that someone suggested would be helpful (for both of us). And maybe some hormone replacement? (I know that gets tricky with PCOS... for me too.) So anyway. I'm sorry. It sucks.

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  6. Im so sorry honey. We all go through these feelings after a major surgery like that. When I had my 2nd surgery to block my 2nd tube I had the same feelings. I leaned on my husband and told him how I felt. He was more supportive than I thought he would be and very understanding. Try talking to your hubs, he should know how you feel and go through these emotions. You can email me and we can exchsnge phone numbers if you need a comforting ear.

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  7. I am so sorry your feeling this way. It's so hard to be in this place. Wishing I had words of wisdom..I don't only hugs. Hoping for peace for you. *big hugs*

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  8. Sending you hugs, my friend. I wish I had some wise words - I think once you start feeling like yourself - back in your workout routine, etc, that drive will come back. You're still recovering physically and emotionally from surgery, right? You will get the old you back!! Hang in there xoxo

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  9. I am sorry you are feeling this way. IF is a terrible beast and no one should be going through it. I wish words could take away your pain, but know people are thinking, praying and wishing for you!

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  10. Oh sweetie I'm so sorry, but I think its important to grieve your ovary and tube. I know I did when I lost my tube (ruptured ectopic). And remember grief is not linear, it comes and goes in waves. And right now is High Tide.

    Just take it slow, the drive will come back. Depression plays a huge role in not having a sex drive. I know that is how it was with me for months. I felt so bad that I had no desire to be with my DH. Most of the time I just wanted him to hold me. And sometimes just holding me was enough. But ultimately take it slow - it will come back. Like someone else said talk to him, let him know how you are feeling.

    ((((HUGS))))

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  11. hugs, my friend, hugs...i'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. :( it sounds like your husband is amazing and ready to support you through this...and as trite as it sounds, working through this together will make you stronger.

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  12. This just kills me to read. I am so sorry, sweetie. I wish I had some wonderful advice or could point you in the right direction, but I don't. Jonelle said it best: grief comes in waves, and right now the waves are very strong. You have an amazing husband and a wonderful support group of friends here to help get you through this. Anytime you need to talk, vent, or cry, you know where to find us.

    Love you. <3

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  13. OH sweetie, I am so sorry. I think it's just important to walk right through that pain and get to the other side of it...to know you'll get through it.

    I haven't had much of a sex drive either...and it's so hard to be where you are, I know. Just keep pushing, pick yourself up and spend time together, even just holding hands or sittin next to him on the couch..tell him you love him anytime that feeling strikes and if that works then ask your dr for some "help"....I am so sorry that you are sooo sad. It's breaking my heart.

    HUGS

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  14. I am sorry that you are feeling sad. What I can say to you though, is that it is important to feel what you are feeling right now in this moment.

    This too shall pass. I have been through the infertility roller coaster, and I am now helping people like you.

    The benefits of talk therapy are huge. Talking to someone that will listen is vital. Someone that will not judge you, that will be there for you.

    Please do not hesitate to email me on paulaspt@bigpond.net.au if you have any questions.

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  15. Sending you hugs--Mook and I went through some counseling that helped us--its a tough thing to deal with and Im sorry you are feeling this way :( Thinking of you!

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  16. Sending you love and hugs from CO <3 I wish that I had the words to make it all better.

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