Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day


I wanted to wish you all a very Happy & Safe Memorial Day!

I love this holiday for so many reasons. It gives us time to remember those we have lost in the forces, but also those near & dear to us. It gives us time to reflect on how special they were & to remember them. It also reminds us to enjoy & cherish those with us.

This holiday is also the unofficial start of summer!

It is funny to me to think of all that has happened to us since last Memorial Day. Last year the DH & I were totally naive to all this azoo. stuff. Crap, we didn't even know what it was! Amazing what a years time will do to you.

It also excites me to start this summer knowing what this summer will bring us with the finishing of our homestudy & dossier. It also excites me to think of all the changes that could come for us & I can blog about next Memorial Day.

So here is to those we loved & lost, those we remember & honor & the beginning of a great summer for all of us TTC/Adoption gals!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wordless Wednesday-Too Forgetful


They sure weren't kidding when they said low estrogen causes memory loss!

Monday, May 24, 2010

About Me

I saw this over at Suzy's blog: Not a Fertile Myrtle & I thought it looked fun, so here we go!

apple juice or orange juice? Apple

are you a morning or night person? I don't know how to sleep in, so I am going to go with morning..since I work so much & get tired so easliy, nights & I don't get along!

which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? Neither..Im odd like that

what was your favorite childhood television program? Who's The Boss

are you a collector of anything? Hmmm, not really..but I do really like anything Asian related

if you could be any animal, what would you be? My dog Kiso, he has is MADE!

what do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Too much, my mind tends to take off!

what’s your favorite color? Yellow

do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? Nope

do you believe in ghosts? I'm not sure..Ghost Adventures always makes me think twice

ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Nah

you’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? Pay off debt, donate money to cancer research, an around the world cruise & then a lot towards infertility research & adoption causes

have any bad habits? Starbucks

list 3 of your worst personality traits: Talk a lot when I get nervous, My voice changes when I talk on the phone-becomes high pitched, neat freak

have any celebrity crushes?
Micheal Buble

list 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: I wish my hair grew faster, so I could get my 8" to cut it off for breast cancer patients

any tattoos or piercings? 8 piercings & 5 tattoos

what’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Smile (I'm big on teeth)

are you mostly a clean or messy person? Clean

if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Vancouver, Canada

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Bali, Indonesia

List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list:
  1. An around the world cruise
  2. Adopt 2 children
  3. Move out of Ohio
  4. Do more non-profit work
  5. Go to the Kentucky Derby
name 1 regret you have: I have no regrets because as bad as somethings may have been, they have all brought me here, where I am supposed to be

name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: The simplicity of life

name 1 thing you love about being an adult: Being married to my best friend

what’s your favorite song of the moment? Grace Potter-Mastermind

What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Just be with my DH & unwind after a hectic week

what’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? Be with my boys

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Signs All Around Us?!

There are signs all around us. Signs to keep us safe, signs to tell us what to do, signs of what may come.

I am not sure if you believe in signs, but sometimes I feel they are coming from every angle. Signs that show us that our infertility that will be ok, signs that let me know that we were meant to be on this path; signs our LP is going to be the perfect child for us.

The sign I want to tell you about actually happened to my mom last night & she cried as she told me this story.

Now, if you remember I mentioned something on Twitter a week or so ago about how when I was filling out some paperwork for Colombia, they asked us what our preference was on skin color. Now I was a bit thrown off about this question, because I could not imagine picking a child's skin color. Our LP will be loved no matter the skin color & will come to us just as they were meant to be.

Well, actually the other day in Colombia was Dia de la Afrocolombianidad, this is a day that celebrates the African Colombian Hertiage. A guy that I went to high school with has adopted a little girl from Colombia last year & she is Afro Colombia-the cutest little girl ever!

Now back to my story. I had showed my mom the little girl adopted by the guy from high school & how cute she was & how it just reminded me-reminded all of us, that LP will be perfect for us, no matter the skin color, just as this little girl was to her family.

So last night my mom was at Big Lots & she said she was walking down an aisle when this little African American girl in a cart with her grandma just reached out & grabbed her arm. My mom said the little girl was about 2 or 3 & just with no warning reached for her. She said the little girl said "hi" & wanted to know how she was. I guess at this time, the grandmother chimed in that she was sorry, that the little girl had never done anything like this before. My mom, being my mom, did not mind & had a conversation with the little girl & this is where my mom said the sign came from.

I guess the girl asked my mom if she had any babies. My mom told her that her babies were grown. The little girl wanted to know if my mom could have more babies & she replied she could not anymore. She then asked if her babies had babies & my mom told her no. She wanted to know why & my mom just told her that her baby could not have babies. (remember this is all with a VERY young girl)

She said about this time the little girls mom came around the corner from the next aisle & was shocked to find the little girl speaking with my mom. The grandmother told her that she has just grabbed my mom & started talking with her. The mom, also in shock said that she had never seen the girl do anything like this before.

My mom said the little girl proceeded to tell her that she needed to get a baby & she felt it was very important for her baby to have a baby and we needed to get the baby soon.

My mom cried as she told me this story. She said she felt it was a sign...a sign of what is to come for us, because why else would this little girl have reached out & touched her & start talking about babies.

Sign?! Who knows...does this mean that our baby will be Afro-Colombian? Again, I do not know...but I do know that this was one smart little girl, who made my mother's day.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hello & Welcome May ICLW

Hello Everyone! This is my first ICLW in a few months, so I am really excited to be involved again!

A bit of background on Mr PCOSChick & myself. I have PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids, adhesions & more & more problems with my estrogen levels. On top of all this, almost exactly a year ago we found out my DH has azoo. (we are a fun bunch, aren't we?!)

I will be having my 5th lap on June 17th & thinking this may be my final; I have a lot of thinking to do. I have also had ovarian drilling, wedging, uterine suspension, and some more!

Because of all my 'issues' and realizing I do not have a good home for a baby to grow in & my DH's lack of swimmers, we decided to bypass fertility treatments & go straight to adoption.

We are currently in the process of adopting from Colombia & half way through our dossier. We hope to have all the paperwork & homestudy done come early fall...so then our wait will begin for our little one.

So that is us in a nutshell!

So welcome everyone & look forward to this months ICLW!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Thank You All & OB Update

Thank you, thank you, thank! I cannot say it enough, as you all were amazing this week when I was so nervous about my test results.

My Twitter & blog friends really are amazing & it means so much to me to have you all here.

Just a bit about what happened. I had no cyst on my right ovary (this I already knew) Now on the left I had 2.

When I had the ultrasound, it was done on the same big screen that they do the baby ultrasounds on. I understand having a big screen TV when you are looking at a baby, but for a cyst, not so good! Dr. Phonebook told me that he does realize the TV magnifies everything-yeah, totally not cool when it comes to cyst. Here for 2 weeks, I have thought my left ovary was massive...so this, I think needs to be worked on!

Anywho...more than anything what they are worried about the lining of my uterus. It is scary thin, like barely 1mm. This has always been a problem for me, however it's never been this thin. Dr. Phonebook is worried that if he puts me on anything to help my estrogen levels that it would cause way too much bleeding. So meds of any kind are out. So that left me with 3 options..1) do nothing-which is what I've been trying for almost 6 months now & apparently has done me no good. 2) laparoscopy-to really see what is going on again. See if my endo has gotten worse, and/or my adhesions. Also, to take care of the cyst. 3) say the heck with it all because I'm tired & do a hysterectomy. I am not mentally ready for this. I know it is what I am coming to, I know eventually it is needed because I do not know how many more surgeries my body can take. But I still need time; time to take it all in, time to make sure it's right & my doctor is okay with whatever I decide I do or do not what to do.

I worry because this will be my 5th lap; my 2nd in less than a year. How much more can my body take? When do I need to say when. I guess this is something I need to think about & deal with.

I am waiting to hear from Dr. Phonebook's nurse as to when my surgery will be. I am hoping for June 17th...so let's see.

Just another bump in the road & I have to remember I can do it...I am strong!

But again, thank you all for the love & support. It is very comforting to know you are all here & get it!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My BFF-Best Fertile Friend

I want to take a moment to talk a bit about my B.F.F...no, not my best friend forever, but my best fertile friend.

Where to start?! First let me give you a bit of background on L & I's relationship.

We met when she moved from Canada when we were both in high school. We were on the dance team together & needless to say, that involves a lot of togetherness! She was a year behind me & we always had a relationship because of dance team, but not anything where we talked a lot or were always together. In college when I transferred back to one of the colleges here in town, she was also going there & we had some classes together; where we reconnected. Again, we didn't do tons together, but the relationship started growing. She was even the one on the phone with me when we skipped out of class early & I got in a car accident leaving campus (nope, not my fault). Again, I graduated & we kinda lost touch, even though we were both here in town.

We started talking via IM a bit over a year ago during the day, just catching up. Needless to say, she has become my BFF from that! We talk every day & see each other every couple of weeks. We have been through so much! Me getting married, surgeries, etc...her having her surprise baby, yep my BFF is one of those girls that didn't know she was pregnant until she was 6 months along (funny how that works out huh?!)

I don't know what I would do with L. She just gets it. She gets our infertility even though she is a fertile myrtle. When I need to cry, she is there; when I have a good day & want to laugh, she can make me laugh like no other. She has also offered me the most amazing gift. She has offered me the gift of a chance at a baby, using her as a surrogate. This is when I really knew our relationship was special & how much I loved her!

Anyone that can be so selfless & offer her time, body, emotions & so much more to give me the chance of being a mother is an angel in my eyes! She is like the sister I have never had.

She has also been amazing with helping us with our Kiso & getting him ready for kids. She is always willing to bring her little one over & help us. She is always willing to answer parenting questions for us & reminds me it is ok to be scared to become a mom, no matter how I become one.

Next to my DH, she is not only my best fertile friend, she is my rock. It is amazing how our relationship has grown & what we have been through. I look forward to the future & seeing L get married, watching her daughter grow & for her being there when we get our LP!

I guess what it really boils down to is, L is amazing & I love her to death. I love how awesome she is with our infertility & how she is the best fertile I know!

Do you have a BFF?! I would love to hear about him or her!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Nervously Awaiting My Results

I won't lie, I'm nervous. Tomorrow at 11:30 I go to get my test results from my ultrasound.

I have seen a lot before on an ultrasound. I know what polycystic ovaries look like, I know what my ovaries normally look like-this by far was NOT it. What I saw was a HUGE, black massive space. The zip code as I like to refer to it as (it's so big it must have it's own) I really hope my mind is just hyping me up to prepare for the worst & hope for the best, but I just don't know.

My mom has a history of dermoid cyst & I worry about those since they are hereditary. Now, that I could handle, but it would also mean loosing at least an ovary sooner than I would like. But all this I can handle.

I've done research with Dr. Google-bad, I know. But from what I could find, picture wise, compared to what I saw, I do not think it is a dermoid. As we all know though, Dr. Google isn't always right, especially when I am being the nurse.

I have been through a lot with this infertility & everything it has thrown at me. I am strong, this I know...but I wish I knew why this time I am nervous. I guess it's just a feeling in my gut...man, I hope it is wrong!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Strength


This is officially one of my favorite quotes now & I wanted to share it with you all.

I believe we all are stronger than we believe & have moments where we can surprise ourselves. I think this quote signifies those moments.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest think the the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I Am A Mother

This little guy made me a mommy 3 years ago. He has taught me what it is to love unconditionally & freak when a little one is sick. He has taught me that it is both exciting & sad at the same time to watch a little one grow up. I have also learned what it is like to juggle-I really think he is just trying to help prepare me for all there is to come!

Yes, I may sound crazy, but for now, this little guy is my child. He has taught me that if I can love my fur baby this much, I can only imagine how much I will love our LP.

So yes, I am a mother!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Happy Anniversary...To US!

Today marks 2 years of wedded bliss!! I cannot believe how the time has flown by or the fact of all we have been through in our 2 years. I thought I would share a bit more about my DH & I-a bit more background & our story :)

We met online 2.5 years ago. Yep, you read that right! We were only together 6 months when we got married. They say when you know, you know!

We have been unique from the get go & nothing has ever gone as planned with us...this is truly our story!

When we went on our first date I thought he was ok, but too quiet & I honestly didn't care if I saw him again or not! He thought I talked too much (maybe that is why he was quiet) & he too felt the same way. If we went out again we did, if not-oh well!

A week later I had tickets to an Ohio State Football game & the guy I was supposed to go with stood me up! I called 6 people before calling my husband-to-be to see if he wanted to go. When I called him I told him he had to be to my place in 15 & we would go. Needless to say, we have been together ever since! That game sealed out fate & 6 months to the day of our 2nd first date (as we like to call it) we came home from our honeymoon.

I am one of the luckiest girls, I really am! My husband is amazing & has already stood by me through so much. **side note: I was a dancer growing up & it has screwed up my body badly, so I have some major surgeries for it & know I will have to have more** A month after we were married, I had a major foot surgery that kept me in a cast for 4 months! I could not drive, walk without crutches, nothing! So he became my rock-even pushing me in a wheelchair all over our zoo, which is very hilly. The day after my surgery, he lost his job due to the economy. This was a trying time for us because he had no job & I was a gimp. Now, right before this all happened, I bought a new car (perfect timing huh?!) After he lost his job he got an interview in Vermont, so we were going to drive there. He didn't have time to change the oil in my car before we left, so he ran it to Jiffy Lube...long story short, they caught my brand new car on fire!

Are you starting to see how we have a unique story & nothing is easy with us?!

Fast forward to our 6 month anniversary. Want to know what we did?! I had a major surgery with my RE in another state! Sounds romantic huh? He slept on a chair in a hospital room & I was drugged. This surgery kept me home for 8 weeks. By this time he had a new job here in Ohio & would come home on lunch breaks to take care of me & then be my nurse by night.

This is just part of our story, but this is who we are! The infertility just adds to our adventure, that is for sure.

But back to what I was saying earlier. I am sooooo very lucky. I am married to the man that is my best friend. He accepts me for who I am, flaws & all. A lot of guys would not put up with all my surgeries & issues. (I've had 3 surgeries in less than 2 yrs of marriage) He knows things with me are not always roses but he is the first to remind me we can do it; we can do anything together.

So happy 2 year anniversary to my rock, my best friend, my strength! I cannot wait for all the adventures that are to come in the future...we have a lot to live up to after these first 2 years :)

"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!"

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Final What IF

I want to end National Infertility Awareness Week with a big list of What Ifs I have. This week has really caused me to think a lot about my infertility & what it has done to me. What it has meant in both the past & what it means for my/our future.

* What IF I can never be who I used to be, that girl is gone
* What IF this is who I was ultimately meant to be, but that scares me
* What IF I am always tired & do not know how to be vibrant anymore
* What IF my DH gets tired of all this & leaves me
* What IF this has made us stronger
* What IF this breaks me
* What IF my body cannot keep handling these surgeries
* What IF my body had never failed me
* What IF that body I had a few years back never is again
* What IF I never get used to seeing all these scars that are a daily reminder of my battles
* What IF I never feel sexy again
* What IF this has taken over me
* What IF I listen to that voice I sometimes hear-that tells me this is a sign & we should just live childless & we do
* What IF my friends that are not dealing with this never understand me & my friendships continue to dwindle
* What IF my friends become more sensitive because of what they have seen me deal with
* What IF I become 'hard' because of this
* What IF we cannot adopt a 2nd because of the money
* What IF something happens & Colombia closes down before we get our LP
* What IF my one set of grandparents do not accept LP
* What IF we do not get our baby in time to make my grandparents great-grandparents
* What IF I fought my body harder
* What IF it's all a big plan
* What IF our friends & family were not so supportive
* What IF I love my child(ren) a bit more & am a better parent because of infertility
* What IF I could have a baby
* What IF this all came to me so I can be another voice for infertility & adoption
* What IF I can make a difference
* What IF this is the community I was meant to be a part of
* What IF some of the people I feel the closes to I met online, bc they too get it
* What IF I become more sensitive
* What IF I am stronger than I think

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Down Right Defeated


I have wanted to adopt for years. 10 years to be exact. Ever since I found out I would have problems conceiving, I just knew adoption would be ONE of the ways I become a mother.

I wanted to adopt at least one & have at least one. It seemed perfect for me. I knew trying to have my own would be hard, but I never thought I wouldn't be able to have one at all.

I had decided with or without a man, I would adopt. I had it all planned, I would start the process as soon as I was allowed to. I remember telling my family that I didn't need a man to be a mom & I could do it on my own. (I was one strong gal!)

When I met my husband we discussed the adoption thing, knowing I would have a hard time conceiving & he too felt the same way. Adopt & have our own. It seemed like we had this whole plan worked out! It was the perfect plan for us.

Even after his diagnoses & me getting further & further into mine I still have had this little bit of hope-I would be able to carry a child. I wasn't sure if a miracle would happen (a huge one) & we may get pregnant on our own or we could possibly adopt an embryo, but I knew I at least wanted to try.

My husband gets a kick out of me because it seems like lately each week I have had a new idea how we could try to get pregnant. I just cannot get that little glimmer of hope of getting pregnant to go away...however, after yesterday's doctor appointment, I think this small flame has been extinguished.

I hate to say this, after all this time, after all we have been through, I think I am finally defeated. I think I will not carry a child, I think I need to give up on that idea. I think I need to just realize I was meant to become a mother through adoption & that is ok. I am ok with that, by no means was adoption ever the "other" option for us. It was always right up there, but I thought I would have a chance to carry a child too.

At this point my body is pretty much making it impossible for me to ever think I could carry a child to term (which this I already knew) I am just finally starting to accept it all.

My body has won. My body has defeated my mind & heart; that were not ready to give up. But I think I need to, I have to give it up, otherwise I will drive myself crazy.

After 4 surgeries at this point & a 5th one coming my body is just fighting me every step of the way. These are the cards I have been dealt & I will just need to learn to deal with them.

Am I sad, yes-but it has been staring me in the face for a while now & I did not want to accept it. It doesn't believe I do not believe in miracles, it just means I will deal with what I have been given & move forward. It's what I have to do.

I will keep having laps to "clean" me out until it is time I can say good bye & have a hysterectomy. My body won-I am defeated
 
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