Monday, May 31, 2010
I wanted to wish you all a very Happy & Safe Memorial Day!
I love this holiday for so many reasons. It gives us time to remember those we have lost in the forces, but also those near & dear to us. It gives us time to reflect on how special they were & to remember them. It also reminds us to enjoy & cherish those with us.
This holiday is also the unofficial start of summer!
It is funny to me to think of all that has happened to us since last Memorial Day. Last year the DH & I were totally naive to all this azoo. stuff. Crap, we didn't even know what it was! Amazing what a years time will do to you.
It also excites me to start this summer knowing what this summer will bring us with the finishing of our homestudy & dossier. It also excites me to think of all the changes that could come for us & I can blog about next Memorial Day.
So here is to those we loved & lost, those we remember & honor & the beginning of a great summer for all of us TTC/Adoption gals!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
are you a morning or night person? I don't know how to sleep in, so I am going to go with morning..since I work so much & get tired so easliy, nights & I don't get along!
what was your favorite childhood television program? Who's The Boss
are you a collector of anything? Hmmm, not really..but I do really like anything Asian related
if you could be any animal, what would you be? My dog Kiso, he has is MADE!
what do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Too much, my mind tends to take off!
ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Nah
you’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? Pay off debt, donate money to cancer research, an around the world cruise & then a lot towards infertility research & adoption causes
have any bad habits? Starbucks
have any celebrity crushes? Micheal Buble
- An around the world cruise
- Adopt 2 children
- Move out of Ohio
- Do more non-profit work
- Go to the Kentucky Derby
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
This is officially one of my favorite quotes now & I wanted to share it with you all.
I believe we all are stronger than we believe & have moments where we can surprise ourselves. I think this quote signifies those moments.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest think the the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
We met online 2.5 years ago. Yep, you read that right! We were only together 6 months when we got married. They say when you know, you know!
We have been unique from the get go & nothing has ever gone as planned with us...this is truly our story!
When we went on our first date I thought he was ok, but too quiet & I honestly didn't care if I saw him again or not! He thought I talked too much (maybe that is why he was quiet) & he too felt the same way. If we went out again we did, if not-oh well!
A week later I had tickets to an Ohio State Football game & the guy I was supposed to go with stood me up! I called 6 people before calling my husband-to-be to see if he wanted to go. When I called him I told him he had to be to my place in 15 & we would go. Needless to say, we have been together ever since! That game sealed out fate & 6 months to the day of our 2nd first date (as we like to call it) we came home from our honeymoon.
I am one of the luckiest girls, I really am! My husband is amazing & has already stood by me through so much. **side note: I was a dancer growing up & it has screwed up my body badly, so I have some major surgeries for it & know I will have to have more** A month after we were married, I had a major foot surgery that kept me in a cast for 4 months! I could not drive, walk without crutches, nothing! So he became my rock-even pushing me in a wheelchair all over our zoo, which is very hilly. The day after my surgery, he lost his job due to the economy. This was a trying time for us because he had no job & I was a gimp. Now, right before this all happened, I bought a new car (perfect timing huh?!) After he lost his job he got an interview in Vermont, so we were going to drive there. He didn't have time to change the oil in my car before we left, so he ran it to Jiffy Lube...long story short, they caught my brand new car on fire!
Are you starting to see how we have a unique story & nothing is easy with us?!
Fast forward to our 6 month anniversary. Want to know what we did?! I had a major surgery with my RE in another state! Sounds romantic huh? He slept on a chair in a hospital room & I was drugged. This surgery kept me home for 8 weeks. By this time he had a new job here in Ohio & would come home on lunch breaks to take care of me & then be my nurse by night.
This is just part of our story, but this is who we are! The infertility just adds to our adventure, that is for sure.
But back to what I was saying earlier. I am sooooo very lucky. I am married to the man that is my best friend. He accepts me for who I am, flaws & all. A lot of guys would not put up with all my surgeries & issues. (I've had 3 surgeries in less than 2 yrs of marriage) He knows things with me are not always roses but he is the first to remind me we can do it; we can do anything together.
So happy 2 year anniversary to my rock, my best friend, my strength! I cannot wait for all the adventures that are to come in the future...we have a lot to live up to after these first 2 years :)
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!"
Sunday, May 2, 2010
* What IF I can never be who I used to be, that girl is gone
* What IF this is who I was ultimately meant to be, but that scares me
* What IF I am always tired & do not know how to be vibrant anymore
* What IF my DH gets tired of all this & leaves me
* What IF this has made us stronger
* What IF this breaks me
* What IF my body cannot keep handling these surgeries
* What IF my body had never failed me
* What IF that body I had a few years back never is again
* What IF I never get used to seeing all these scars that are a daily reminder of my battles
* What IF I never feel sexy again
* What IF this has taken over me
* What IF I listen to that voice I sometimes hear-that tells me this is a sign & we should just live childless & we do
* What IF my friends that are not dealing with this never understand me & my friendships continue to dwindle
* What IF my friends become more sensitive because of what they have seen me deal with
* What IF I become 'hard' because of this
* What IF we cannot adopt a 2nd because of the money
* What IF something happens & Colombia closes down before we get our LP
* What IF my one set of grandparents do not accept LP
* What IF we do not get our baby in time to make my grandparents great-grandparents
* What IF I fought my body harder
* What IF it's all a big plan
* What IF our friends & family were not so supportive
* What IF I love my child(ren) a bit more & am a better parent because of infertility
* What IF I could have a baby
* What IF this all came to me so I can be another voice for infertility & adoption
* What IF I can make a difference
* What IF this is the community I was meant to be a part of
* What IF some of the people I feel the closes to I met online, bc they too get it
* What IF I become more sensitive
* What IF I am stronger than I think
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I have wanted to adopt for years. 10 years to be exact. Ever since I found out I would have problems conceiving, I just knew adoption would be ONE of the ways I become a mother.
I wanted to adopt at least one & have at least one. It seemed perfect for me. I knew trying to have my own would be hard, but I never thought I wouldn't be able to have one at all.
I had decided with or without a man, I would adopt. I had it all planned, I would start the process as soon as I was allowed to. I remember telling my family that I didn't need a man to be a mom & I could do it on my own. (I was one strong gal!)
When I met my husband we discussed the adoption thing, knowing I would have a hard time conceiving & he too felt the same way. Adopt & have our own. It seemed like we had this whole plan worked out! It was the perfect plan for us.
Even after his diagnoses & me getting further & further into mine I still have had this little bit of hope-I would be able to carry a child. I wasn't sure if a miracle would happen (a huge one) & we may get pregnant on our own or we could possibly adopt an embryo, but I knew I at least wanted to try.
My husband gets a kick out of me because it seems like lately each week I have had a new idea how we could try to get pregnant. I just cannot get that little glimmer of hope of getting pregnant to go away...however, after yesterday's doctor appointment, I think this small flame has been extinguished.
I hate to say this, after all this time, after all we have been through, I think I am finally defeated. I think I will not carry a child, I think I need to give up on that idea. I think I need to just realize I was meant to become a mother through adoption & that is ok. I am ok with that, by no means was adoption ever the "other" option for us. It was always right up there, but I thought I would have a chance to carry a child too.
At this point my body is pretty much making it impossible for me to ever think I could carry a child to term (which this I already knew) I am just finally starting to accept it all.
My body has won. My body has defeated my mind & heart; that were not ready to give up. But I think I need to, I have to give it up, otherwise I will drive myself crazy.
After 4 surgeries at this point & a 5th one coming my body is just fighting me every step of the way. These are the cards I have been dealt & I will just need to learn to deal with them.
Am I sad, yes-but it has been staring me in the face for a while now & I did not want to accept it. It doesn't believe I do not believe in miracles, it just means I will deal with what I have been given & move forward. It's what I have to do.
I will keep having laps to "clean" me out until it is time I can say good bye & have a hysterectomy. My body won-I am defeated