Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wordless Wednesday-NIAW

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Support

I was talking about the What IF project with my husband the other night & I was really touched by what he said came to him right away.

He said he What IF was what if we were not as supportive of each other as a couple & What IF our families were not so amazing.

I had tears in my eyes by the time he finished this short sentence because he was so right. He tends to be a more clam & take a little bit at a time kind of guy, where I am a big picture girl & can get overwhelmed quickly. Because of this, I think I start thinking of the money (see my previous post) & all the other big picture things.

But he was totally right...what would we do? If we were not as caring & supporting as we were & this broke us apart. What IF our families did not care so much & did not accept the idea of us adopting? We have been so very lucky when it comes down to it. We have so much love & support & could not ask for a better situation when it comes to dealing with somebody crappy.

Every once in a while, I need my hubby to say things like this & bring me back down to earth & remind me of all we do have going for us!

What IF


As you all know, I'm sure, it is National Infertility Week. Resolve & Melissa over at Stirrups Queen have been working on Project IF & this week is where we are to write more in depth about our What If.

My What IF is that of money & finances. What if we had insurance that covered A.R.T, would I have ever gotten pregnant? Due to the fact that we have no insurance coverage of any type when it comes to A.R.T we decided to go directly to adoption. We could not see spending a lot of our money to try to get pregnant. We knew our chances were very slim of even getting pregnant & then small again to carry the pregnancy to term. With A.R.T costing so much & not being a sure thing, we had to decide to move past it & go directly to adoption. The money we would have spent on IVF's etc could go directly to a sure thing, a sure way of us becoming a family.

If we had insurance coverage, do I think we would have tried IVF, yes. I believe we would have been more apt to giving it a shot or 2. However when you are dealing with infertility money truly does rule so many aspects of what you do. Will you or won't you take the next step to becoming a family? Will you stop after IUI or go to IVF, or will you be like us & skip it all.

It makes me sad that my family & other families do not have insurance coverage for treatments & have to reevaluate so many aspects of their life to become a family. It makes me sad that I will never see a positive pregnancy test or see my child with my husband's eyes. I hate how money can rule so much.

But What IF we had insurance? Would we still be adopting? Would we become parents to a child that otherwise would not have a family? For us, not having coverage has brought us to where we are supposed to be.

To better understand infertility & all it means to those dealing with it, please visit Infertility 101 on Resolve. Org or to read more What IFs, please visit Project IF.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Backwards


Do you ever feel like this infertility journey is causing you to go backwards instead of forward in your "normal" life?

This is kind of how I have felt lately. I feel like at this point in our journey; 9 years after I found out I would have problems, 2 years of no baby & a year after my hubby's azoo. diagnoses that I should be able to move forward more than I am. I know there will be some times that things get bad & you take a couple steps back, but I feel like I've had more of those than forward steps lately.

I feel like I dealt with the idea of never having a kid a year ago & now here I am & it's not even the fact that I cannot have a child, it is just the whole infertile part. I am not dealing well with being infertile & all the comes along with it.

I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of being this girl. I am not who I used to be, this has changed me & I want me back! I am worn out & tired of going backwards; I want to move forward & stay going that way.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought this would all come back to me like it has lately. I do not understand why I am having a hard time, maybe it is the fact that I am finally dealing with it all & just tried to be strong before, I am not sure.

But I can promise I am determined to move forward, I am going to be me again (hopefully soon) and it will get better. I refuse to let infertility continue to define me, yes I am infertile, but it is not me, just a part of me.

I know it may take some time, but it will get better & there will be no more going backwards.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Crazy Times

Wow, I've been a really bad blogger lately! Needless to say things have been crazy in a lot of ways! My husband has been traveling a lot for work & then I had some traveling going on in there, but more than anything; I guess you could say I kind of had a breakdown.

It has been almost a year since we found out about the azoo. To me this is when we really became infertile. My 'issues' were stuff we could work a bit more with & we were taking in stride, but this diagnoses is what really changed things up for us. When we found out, we walked out of the urologist & decide right then & there that we would adopt. We decided this for so many reasons.

I had a major back surgery 9 years ago, due to the fact that I am fused between my spine & my pelvis I had been told it would be hard to carry children & I would be bed ridden. Then with the PCOS, the endo., the fact that the insurance did not cover treatments, the chances being so ver low, etc..we just knew we had to move on.

We never got a 2nd opinion, we never did anything else. Since I had been going to the doctor & dealing with it all for so long, this was just another something & we dealt with it & moved.

So fast forward a year..here I am & to be honest I lost it a few weeks ago. I mean back to the crying all the time, ohmigod what are we doing phase. I wanted a 2nd opinion, I wanted to look into IVF, we hadn't we done this before? Were we crazy for not giving it a shot? So needless to say, I became a bit crazy.

My husband agreed to get another opinion & see what they had to say. He still worried about IVF & how it all would affect me & us if it worked & if it didn't work. At this point, I didn't care, I just needed to see what they said. I was kicking myself in the butt for not doing it before & I needed the peace of mind knowing I at least tried.

I did my research, found out who the insurance would cover for me to see for a consult, etc. (my RE is in another state & I knew I would need to find one here if we decided to do any type of treatment).

I figured it out & then I made the call. I was so worked up & nervous to call & of course I do & I had to leave a message! They did call back in a few hours & got things set up. Well after I hang up I realized I made the appointment for when my hubby would be out of town, so I call back & once again leave a message.

Now, while I am playing all this phone tag, I start freaking out. I mean hardcore, hyperventilating, panic attack freaking! I was more scared about IVF & what it could or could not mean for us & also what we may hear. In my minor breakdown, I some how missed the doctors office calling me back, I still swear my phone didn't ring.

I have now been trying to call them back for 2 weeks & to be bluntly honest, I don't think I ever will. As strange as it may sound, I needed the freak out, I needed to question things-all of the week of crying & freaking made me realize...We ARE doing what is right for us. We made this decision a year ago for a reason.

I am much better now, I apparently just needed a bit of a shake up to make me realize it is ok & this is how it was meant to be.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Drumroll Please.....

The winner of my 100th follower, pamper give away is.......

Jess, if you want to email me your address I will get the goodies in the mail by Thursday (sorry, I'm out of town starting tomorrow for work!)

Thanks again to everyone that entered & has helped me reach this point. I really do appreciate all the love & support I get from my blog & twitter friends!


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Pamper Yourself, 100 Follower Giveaway!


Yep that is right! As of Friday I hit 100 follows!! I want you know how much it means to me that you are all interested in our story. Your love & support over this almost year has been amazing & I am so thankful for starting this blog & "meeting" you all.

In order to thank you for all the support I have a give away for you!

This giveaway is something for you in order to pamper yourself. We all need a little pampering from time to time, especially as we go through infertility. I would like to help you take a time out & do something nice for you by giving you a Starbucks gift card, some bath products & here is my favorite part... a pair of QuackBacks!

What is a QuackBack you may be asking yourself?! Well, I am so excited to announce my friend Janet & her sister made their official launch of this company on April 1st. It is a fun & unique way to send somebody a gift to let them know you love them, are thinking about them or just want to say hi! If you are tired of sending flowers & candy, then these are awesome.

If you are the winner of my giveaway, you will be able to go over to QuackBacks & pick out the style, color & design you want. You can let me know if you want them for yourself or if you would like to send them to somebody as a gift!

So how do you enter?! I am going to give you alot of ways, so make sure you do them all for your best chance of winning.

1) Follow me on Twitter (PCOSChick) & then leave me a comment letting me know you are
2) Become a follower of my blog & once again, let me know that you are by commenting on this post
3) Follow QuackBack on Twitter. Once you do, comment & let me know you are & then tell Janet "hello" & that you found them through me
4) Become a fan of QuackBack on Facebook. Leave me a comment on here & let me know you are & then also leave a comment for QuackBack on their fan page.
5) Tweet "I've entered @PCOSChick's pampering giveaway with @QuackBack! You can too! Check it out at http://preview.tinyurl.com/ybyc9mv"

You can tweet once a day for extra entries! The giveaway will end at 12pm est this Friday, the 16th & the winner will be announced on Saturday the 17th. The winner will be drawn using Random.org.

So have fun & good luck! Thanks again for all the love & support!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

You & Me

I know I have mentioned a bit on Twitter that things have been rough for me lately. I have not blogged about it yet for many reasons. But the main one, I cannot yet bring myself to put it into words to share. I am working on this & plan on sharing more in the upcoming week, I promise!

But anyway, my husband is always telling me how we can do ANYTHING together. If I sat & started a list of all we have been through in our almost 2 years of marriage, you would be shocked! So he is right, we can do anything.

I've been on a Dave kick & this song really reminds me of what my hubby is telling me...so enjoy ladies!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What IF?


What IF? Bloggers Unite. If you have not already heard about this you must go check it out. Melissa over at Stirrup Queens & Resolve.org have put this together & I must admit, it is one of the most touching things I have ever seen. I have been refreshing the page all day to read what others have to say.

Reading this makes my heart break for all those who write, but it also helps.

Today has been a rough day for me on so many levels & I will be bluntly honest, I am questioning somethings & wondering if we need to reevaluate some options. But seeing what these ladies have to say make me feel less alone. It makes me realize I am not the only one with a "What IF?" It is also amazing to me how many ladies have some of the same What IFs I have.

Please, when you get a moment, check it out, but I do warn you-a tissue may be needed.

I want to leave you with one comment that really hit me & this one is not from a lady with infertility, just a woman with an amazing, caring heart!

TexasHeather { 04.08.10 at 10:02 am }
I’m not dealing with IF, though I have had one pregnancy loss. Obviously I do not wish my comment to be considered in the contest, since I’m outside the category. But, I had to say this…
What IF those of us who are blessed with babies the “natural” way read all of your stories and carry your heartache in our hearts so that when our boys act up and misbehave and we’d love to scream at them, instead we stop and remember that there are women out there who would long to have an annoying, misbehaving boy in her house right now.
What IF reading your stories makes me a better mommy to the boys I am so very, very blessed to have?
Thank you, all of you, for sharing. I have tears in my eyes reading all of your What IFs. I prayed for each and every one of you as I read your comments…..

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

 
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