Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Featuring Nutty

Yep that is me, NUTTY!

Sorry I've been a bit MIA lately, needless to say, I haven't exactly felt like myself. Between our first dossier fopaux ticking me off (see upcoming Conceive post), work being insane, trying to work around the house to get it more ready for the homestudy & my hormones, I've truly been a bit of a nut job!

I thought for sure by not getting my 2nd Depo shot, I would loose the nutty-ness. Boy was I wrong! Not only did I stop the shot & my lovely AF who could never seem to figure when to show came right away, she brought her friend crazier emotions. I really feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

I am not an emotional person by any means & have never really had problems with that until the shot, apparently even without it, my hormones are so out of whack & I'm now a very emotional person. My poor hubby, I feel so sorry for him! One minute I am happy & excited, the next I'm crying because I feel like I'm a bad wife...ugh!

I know this is just a phase & it will get better...I sure hope! I am determined to get my hormones under control, however I cannot do that with any help of meds right now, as Dr. Phonebook & I decided to try it drug free for a couple months. So today, I will go back to acupuncture. I need the zen, I need the balance & I need the help with ovary pain. I really hope this can do what I need & get me back on my smooth ride.

So this nut job will hopefully start loosing her nuts here soon!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Wordless Wednesday-Dreamy Sigh

Healthcare Reform & Adoption

I was going to do a post on government & how they make it hard on people to adopt. I was going to explain how I have been doing a letter writing campaign & writing my senator, congressmen & even the president. I was going to share how unfair I felt it was that the tax credit was ending at the end of the year. I did not see how just because people such as myself cannot have children & choose to start our family through adoption, why we should be punished & not receive any tax credit. This is what I had planned, a big bitching blog about how unfair it was!

Now, I am not one to talk politics & I feel to each their own, so please note that I am just sharing my opinion; this does not mean mine is right & yours is wrong & visa versa. However, I was so mad yesterday about the health care bill, that I did not really stop & read it. I felt that it was not going to affect me in anyway that was good, so I didn't bother with it.

Today, once I had calmed some & after seeing some things online, I decided to look into this health care bill & what it meant for me as an adoptive parent. I can say that I was pleasantly surprised, brought to tears even after reading this: "Adoption tax credit and assistance exclusions will increase by $1,0000. The makes the credit refundable and extends it through 2011." This is amazing news!! This means that my DH & I can breathe a little easier when it comes to affording adoption & this is one less thing we have to worry about.

Now, do I feel my letter writing help in any of this?! Um, I would like to think so, but seeing that I just wrote the President on Thursday & the bill was signed Sunday, I am going to go with a no on that. But it still feels good! I wanted to be heard, so I did what I felt I needed to.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My 'Ology

I saw this on a few other blogs and thought I'd try it out!

What is your salad dressing of choice? Fat Free Ranch
What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? Thai 9
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Subway (does that count as fast food?!)
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Bread...any kind of bread!
What are your pizza toppings of choice? onion & mushroom

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Bone fragments
What is the last heavy item you lifted? Um...I don't lift anything heavy
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope
Have you ever fainted? Nah

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Heck No
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Wouldn't change it. I used to want to change it since it was so unique, but now it's grown on me!
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Haven't counted lately, but I know it's more than I need
Last person you talked to? My hubby

Season? Fall
Holiday? Halloween
Day of the week? Sunday bc it's the only full day off I get!
Month? October
Color? Yellow
Drink? Apple Juice
Alcoholic? Blue Moon

Missing someone? My hubby :( He has been in MN for work since Monday
What are you listening to? Just started the movie Did You Hear about the Morgan' that
What are you watching? See above
Worrying about? Getting sleep tonight. The dog does not like it when the DH is gone & won't sleep through the night
What’s the last movie you saw?Before the one I am watching now? Couple Retreat
Do you smile often? I think so
If you could change your eye color what would it be? Green, I've always wanted green eyes
What’s on your wish list for your birthday? Enough $ saved up to pay off our adoption
Can you do a chin-up? I just LOLed on that one
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Can you be nervously excited?
Have you been in a car wreck? Yes
Have you caused a car wreck?If the lady hadn't had so many bumper stickers on the back of her car, my mom & I wouldn't have been reading them & I wouldn't have hit her!
Do you have an accent? Midwesterners don't have an accent...however my family is from KY, so sometimes I will say southern things
Last time you cried? Last week
Plans tonight? Watching a movie & relaxing
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? There have been times I have wondered, but things could always be worse
Name three things you bought yesterday? Indian dinner, a manicure & a pedicure
Have you met someone who changed your life? Yes
For the better or worse? Better, with some worse thrown in
How did you bring in the New Year? Dinner at the Chop House with friends then playing Wii til the ball dropped
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? No, I would not change a thing, no matter what. Everything happens for a reason & everything in my past has brought me to where I am now
What songs do you sing in the shower? I'm a car singer, not a shower singer. Lately, it's been a lot of Frou Frou
Have you held hands with someone today? No hand holding today
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Does the dog count?
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old
Do you like pulpy orange juice?NO WAY! If you don't want me to touch your OJ, make sure it has pulp because I hate it
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Just a few weeks ago
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Trying to sleep
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ahhh I get a massage in 30 mins
How many televisions are in your house? 4
What color cell phone do you have? Black phone with black & red case

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Wordless Wednesday-Luck To You All

Tattoo Tuesday

Katilin over at Ah...My Married Life did Tattoo Tuesday, so I wanted to join in!

Not the best picture, sorry! But this is my most recent tattoo. My hubby, then boyfriend actually designed this for me after we had only been dating a few weeks & then I got it after we were married.

This tattoo has strong meaning to me. One of the cherry blossom petals covers up a scar from my ovarian drill surgery. The symbols mean baby, hope & wish. I wanted something coming out of that scar & spreading goodness, I guess you could say.

I love that my husband designed this & put such time & love into it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm Torn

I haven't really got to blog much lately, so I feel like there is a lot to catch up on.

As you may or may not have caught last week, I went to my OB, Dr. Phonebook, on Wednesday. This appointment was to get my 2nd Depo shot. I had pretty much gone into this appointment knowing I did not want to get another Depo.

Upon getting to the office, a) I found out somebody stole a fetal doppler monitor..REALLY?! and b) found out he was running really behind.

When he finally got to the room an hour after I got there, I got to talk to him for maybe 2 minutes before he had to run. We really had not gotten a chance to discuss anything other than he asked how the adoption was going. He promised me he would call me the next day & we could just talk that way.

So as he promised, he called on Thursday afternoon. We were able to talk about how CRaZy I had felt on the Depo & how I really did not feel that it was doing what I thought. But then it happened, I broke down. I finally felt like all those times I had talked with him & been so strong, they all crumbled...I was done. I told him how I was tired, I was tired of my uterus running my life. I was tired of the emotions that went with it & how I feel at this point I have tried everything; it's been 10 years & I am tired.

As always, he was understanding & sympathetic. We agreed that I would try to go totally drug free until my yearly in June, just to see how my body responds. Then he gave me a homework assignment.

We had talked about hysterectomy the last time I was there & he is supportive of whatever I decide. He also knows that I want to wait. I have this thing in my head that I just need to hold out until we get our first baby. Do I think anything will change? No, but for peace of mind, I just need it to be this way.

He told me to look into an endometrial ablation. He explained this was another possible avenue for me to go & just to think about it & do research. He explained there were 2 different ways to do the procedure, but then after it was done, there was no chance of fertility.

By doing this, it buys me time. Time to keep my uterus & not do the hysterectomy, so that is a plus. But I'm torn. I wish I could say for sure I could go one way or another, but I just cannot. I do not know what my connection with my non working uterus is. At this point, I know it serves me no use other than to bring misery to my life. I know with this surgery it could greatly change the way I feel..I know I could feel like me again. So then why can't I just say yes?! I cry when I research this surgery. I cry anytime I think of getting rid of my uterus.

I guess that is a sign, for now, we need to stay together. But I am just so scared that if I do not do something either before the baby comes or soon after, this will get the best of me. I want my energy back & I want to be a good mom. I do not want my life to continue to revolve around this piece of me.

I don't know, I know eventually I will know what the answer is.

**If anyone has ever had an ablation or knows anyone, I would be interested in thoughts, opinions, etc.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

From The Crazy Lady!

I've felt a bit crazy lately! These hormones are really getting to me. One minute I am crying, the next yelling at my poor DH. I do believe this is all a sign that I need to go back on Metformin.

I have been off since before my surgery in October & wanted to think that I could do this without any meds..apparently I was wrong. I did not realize how much the Metformin balanced me in every way.

It's so insane to me that one minute I can be fine & the next a complete nut job. I do not like it at all!

Thank goodness I have an OB appointment today! Hoping to get back on the Metformin. I also have until 4pm to decide if I am going to get another Depo shot too.

This is a tough decision for me since I have not noticed any GOOD huge change, but I also wonder if one shot is enough to see the full effects. Should I get the 2nd one to really see what it does?!

I can honestly say between the moods & the uterus wonder I am crazy. I am really tired of it all. But I have to remember it could always be worse & in the big picture, this is nothing!

I know this will all work out & get leveled out...eventually! We have been at it this long, one day we have to get it right :) I just want to feel like me & stop being the crazy my poor DH has to put up with!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Dear Lil Pup

You know with adoption you tell everyone ALOT about you. We had to write our letter of intent for the orphanage & in that letter we told about how we were raised, met, what we do & how we want to raise our child, along with some other things.

I understand why we need to write all of this & can only hope we said the right things. This is the letter that they will read & get their first impression of us, along with using to pick out our baby (yes, a bit nerve wrecking!)

So since I have written a lot of adults about me, & the DH, I thought it would be nice to write a note to our maybe baby.

Dear LP,

Yep, that is what we call you. Lil Pup, or LP for short. Since we do not know if you are a little boy or girl, this nickname works well (don't worry, mommy & daddy will explain the name one day). We are soooo very excited for you to join our family. We have loved you so much from the moment you became a thought to us & know that the day we get our referral & see your beautiful face, we will be in love

We are working a little everyday to start getting things ready for you. Your nursery will be a monkey theme, I hope you like monkeys. Your daddy says that there are so many monkeys, that you will probably hate them by the time you get older.

We have also been working on my office so that I can work from home & get to stay home with you. I am so happy that I can stay home with you everyday & see you grow. Your grandmother has been very nice to allow me to do this.

Speaking of grandma, all of your grandparents & your great grandparents cannot wait to meet you. Your uncle is super excited too & let me tell you, mommy & daddy's friends are already counting down the moment to meet you. Everyone loves you so much already & just cannot wait to have you here with us.

You will have a puppy, his name is Kiso & you will have so much fun with him. He has been hanging out with lil ones like you so he can get used to having somebody his size around the house. It will be so fun to watch you guys play together, I just know you will love him.

We have a vacation planned for next year & really hope you will be here to join us. We can't wait to start traveling with you, we love to see the world & cannot wait to show the world to you. We already know you will be going to meet mommy's long time friend in Greece & of course lots of time in Florida with your great grandparents & grandparents when they are there. Hope you want to learn to ski like your daddy, because when we go to see your grandparents in Vermont, we will be having lots of fun on the slopes.

I know I have said a lot & I hope it didn't overwhelm you too much, but it is just that we are so excited. Your mommy & daddy really do love you & cannot wait to have you here with us.

Until then Lil Pup...

We love you,
Mommy & Daddy

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

99 Things

Thanks to Holly over at Ready to be a Mom for her list of 99. I loved it so much, I decided to do my own.

The post is a list of 99 things you could have done, and you are supposed to highlight the ones that you yourself have done. While reading this I saw a lot of fun things that I have done, but also so many things that I HAVEN’T done! So here goes!

1. Started your own blog – I have 3! Yes, I am insane with 3 blogs!
2. Slept under the stars – Not all night, but would stay out on my trampoline with my good friend for hours when we were younger, under the stars.
3. Played in a band - Does the middle school band count?
4. Visited Hawaii- My brother went to college there for a bit, so it was a perk as a sister!
5. Watched a meteor shower – Sadly, have not gotten to see this yet
6. Given more than you can afford to charity – I always give more than I can afford to cancer in my friends memory.
7. Been to DisneyWorld – I do not remember much of it because I was only 5, so I really need to get back there.

8. Climbed a mountain – Not with ropes & all maybe it was more hiking?!
9. Held a praying mantis – At least not that I remember
10. Sang a solo – I don't sing, you would pay me not to sing
11. Bungee jumped – Not yet
12. Visited Paris – One day
13. Watched a lightning storm – From the comfot of my home
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Ummm...not that I know of, I was taught all my arts
15. Adopted a child - Currently working on that!!
16. Had food poisoning – I swear I got sick from KFC once when I was little and haven’t eaten it since!
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty – Yes! I was there before they closed down the top & walked all the way to the top!
18. Grown your own vegetables – Does trying to grow count?! I planted them, they just didn't grow so well
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France – Nope
20. Slept on an overnight train - I will one day! This is a goal of mine, I really want to take a train in the states
21. Had a pillow fight – Hasn’t all girls?
22. Hitch hiked – No way!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – Never been an option for me when your mom owns the company
24. Built a snow fort – I love playing in snow even now!
25. Held a lamb – On a girl scout field trip
26. Gone skinny dipping – Ha, yeah
27. Run a Marathon – I DON't run!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – does a Gondola at the Venetian in Vegas count?
29. Seen a total eclipse – If I have I don’t remember
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset – Used to do it with my friend every year on the last night of our family cruise
31. Hit a home run – I don't remember ever playing baseball or anything, not my thing
32. Been on a cruise – 16 I believe is the count now
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person- Seems like everytime we are going to gom something comes up, so one day
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- My ancestors were here when the Indians came, so I live where my ancestors are from..HA
35. Seen an Amish community- Drove through it all the time in college
36. Taught yourself a new language- Sign Language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied – I am satisfied, but do you truly ever have enough with bills, etc?!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - Nada
39. Gone rock climbing – We have a gift card for an indoor rock climbing place here in town, so ask me in a few months!
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David- Does a picture count?!
41. Sung karaoke – It's been years, but yes
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt- That's a no
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - nope
44. Visited Africa – Had the chance & didn't go...that was dumb

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight – :)
46. Been transported in an ambulance – 2 times now
47. Had your portrait painted - Not tht I know of
48. Gone deep sea fishing – In Alaska
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris – I've been to the one at Kings Island
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling – tricked into scubs, but loved it. Wish I could still do it
52. Kissed in the rain – Im sure
53. Played in the mud –Oh yeah, my brother & I always did
54. Gone to a drive-in theater – Went to my first one 2 years ago in VT
55. Been in a movie –
56. Visited the Great Wall of China - Went to China, but didn't make it to the wall
57. Started a business- Started a branch of my mom's company
58. Taken a martial arts class -
59. Visited Russia – I did & what an experience

60. Served at a soup kitchen – nope
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies – For years
62. Gone whale watching – Si
63. Got flowers for no reason – Yea, he is a sweetie
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma –Tried to donate blood, but it is REALLY HARD on me, so they won't let me anymore
65. Gone sky diving – NEVER
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp – In Germany
67. Bounced a check - On accident
68. Flown in a helicopter - How else will you get to the top of a glaicer?!
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – Little Foot still is in my life! He sits on the night stand next to me & if the DH is gone, I sleep with him
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - Bigger than I imagined
71. Eaten Caviar – I will try anything.
72. Pieced a quilt -
73. Stood in Times Square – Lots
74. Toured the Everglades – When your parents back yard is practically the everglads, you see it a time or 2

75. Been fired from a job – Thank goodness no
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London –
77. Broken a bone – Too many :(

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle Loved it
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person – I've flown over it a lot going into Vegas for work, so I am saying yes!
80. Published a book – That would be awesome!
81. Visited the Vatican –
82. Bought a brand new car – 2 of em now
83. Walked in Jerusalem -
84. Had your picture in the newspaper – A couple times
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve –
86. Visited the White House -In my whirlwind DC trip
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – Ha, no
88. Had chickenpox – on my first curise & got quarteened to my cabin
89. Saved someone’s life -
90. Sat on a jury -
91. Met someone famous – Yanni is a family friend
92. Joined a book club - During the summer when I was kid
93. Got a tattoo – Have 4 & getting a 5th soon
94. Had a baby – I will have a baby hopefully within the next year...but I will never birth a baby if that is what this question means.

95. Seen the Alamo in person -
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake -
97. Been involved in a law suit – Yes, not against me though
98. Owned a cell phone – I feel lost with out it!
99. Been stung by a bee – a few times

Phew! So there are 99 things about me! If you want to play copy and paste this list and highlight the things you have done! I guess there is a lot more I have to do!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Rant & Rave from the Frustrated IFer

Just as a fair warning, this blog will be a bitchy, whiny, complaining type of blog. I hate writing like this, to be honest...but sometimes it just happens & this is one of those times.

I've had it. I am tired of feeling like my IF is ruling my life. It is no longer the TTC part, it is the messed up parts that made that TTC part so hard.

My hormone levels are so out of whack, so I am tired all the time, I have no drive, I am moody...I am not myself. I hate this feeling. I want to be me, I want to be who I know is deep down in there.

Then to top it off, my inners have no idea what they are doing! Full force one day, nothing the next-on & off, on & off.

I'm frustrated! I am past TTCing, so how can IF still have such a control over me. I have been blah, because I just do not like how I feel. I do not like what this does to me.

I know we have all been there, when we just do not feel like ourselves & it SUCKS!

I have an appointment at the OB next week. I was supposed to get another Depo shot, but after the shit it did to me last time & how I feel like it has made things worse, I just cannot bring myself to do it again. Something has to give! There has to be options. I know hysterectomy is one, but I said I would not do that until I was 30, for multiple reasons.

I just want to feel like me. I want to be that vibrant, sexy wife...the one I know I can be. I want to not want to feel the need to sleep constantly!

Maybe if I went back on Metformin it would help some, but sadly, it does not help all.

At this point, all I know is something has to give. I'm tired of it all & need to just get it under control & me back to me!

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