Friday, December 3, 2010

Hurting Heart

I was telling my BFF that I think surgery hurts my heart more than anything. Even though this is not my first major surgery like this & I know what to expect, my heart still hurts.

I do not worry about the pain of the surgery, I do not worry about recovery time-this is old hat (sadly) for me. I worry about my heart!

I know I am infertile, I know I will never have children, this is all ok. I have had time to deal & know that this all has happened for a reason. I am excited for the adventure ahead of us & how our family is growing through adoption. However, I still have a hard time with the fact that my body failed.

Surgery is a reminder of how my body failed me, my husband, my family. Surgery makes my heart hurt in a way that is deep & gut wrenching.

I worry about being a burden to my family & having to be taken care of. This is so very hard for me. This will be my 5th surgery since my DH & I have been married & it just weighs on me. I know he loves me, I know he stands by me no matter what...but this is just another hurt.

I know I probably shouldn't hurt like this. If I am ok with not being able to have children, why does it still hurt so that my body failed?

With each surgery, my heart hurts a bit more-I add another band-aid to it & move forward.

6 comments:

  1. I completely understand. Of course, I wish that I could take your hurt away, but I think that it's 100% normal to feel that pain and sadness. It's okay to be upset. I don't know that it's possible to ever get over that hurt (I'm wondering that myself), but I do know that you have people who love you and who are here to hold your hand when you are feeling sad. Please remember that.

    xo

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  2. Oh my dear friend, I wish I could take the pain away for you and mend your broken heart *hugs*

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  3. I'm so very sorry for anoher surgery and for you hurting heart. I know this pain is unbearbale. Sending you big giant hugs.

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  4. Thinking of you, sending you love and hugs...

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  5. Those are all normal feelings to feel - whenever I get down on myself feeling like I'm putting too much on DH, I reverse the situation. What if DH was feeling these feelings, would I be as sad/mad/upset as I am making it out to be? Usually not, usually I would want nothing more than to make DH happy again - which I'm sure is how your DH feels about you.

    I hope this surgery will help you feel better physically and mentally as time goes on. It's a hard road to travel but we're here to support you!

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  6. Hugs! I'm thinking of you. I've def. been there. Two days before we got married, I herniated my back and had to have surgery just a week later which took me out for three weeks...that was just the beginning...we've been testing the "in sickness" part of the vows since we got married...take care of yourself!

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