Friday, November 12, 2010

How to Handle the Questions

You will find as an adoptive parent, people that do not always understand; which leads to a lot of questions that may be hard to handle & deal with. Especially when your child does not look like you, it is good to be prepared.

We may find that the frequent questions & comments of strangers & relatives sometimes annoy & worry us. At the heart of our anger is the fear that our adopted child will be hurt by these thoughtless questions.

Below find some questions & answers that recommends as proper & informational responses. Please keep in mind that it may be hard bite your tongue & not say the first thing that comes to mind, however informing the person properly can help them from asking such a thing again!

**disclaimer, again-please remember this is just used for informational purposes & comes from a website, not me directly**

Q. Where did you get this dear little one? Where is she from? A: She was born in Korea, and her brother here was born in Albany. (Most people will pick up on your inclusion of the older child and start including him, too, if you furnish answers about both to EACH question asked about the adopted child.)

We can start early to practice answers that will AFFIRM THE CHILDREN, preparing for the day when they will be old enough to understand:

Q: Isn't she a lucky little girl? What wonderful people you are! A: We're the lucky ones, to have such a wonderful child!

Q. And do you also have children of your own? A: Just these two. (This affirms adopted kids as our own.)

Q. Are they REAL brother and sister? 
AThey are NOW! (This clarifies that adoption makes us a real family.)

Q. How could the mother have given up such a lovely child? A: It was very hard for the birthmother, but she just couldn't take care of ANY baby. (This reassures the child that there was nothing wrong with him or her.)

Q. What do you know about the real parents? A: Well, we're his real parents, actually, since we're bringing him up.

Q. Oh, of course--I meant the natural parents.
We don't know very much about the birthparents. How have you been? How was your summer?
In nearly all cases, the questions reflect pleasure and delight in our families, and they can generally be answered very briefly and cheerfully, with a smile. If you are out shopping, it is fairly easy to avoid prolonging the discussion by saying, "Bye, now!" and moving from the peaches to the potatoes. If we are trapped into a longer conversation in a supermarket line or in a social situation (and the children are old enough to understand what is said), we have several options:
Give a constructive response, then change the subject.
Answer with, "I'm glad you're interested in adoption. Let me give you my phone number and we can talk later. Can you call me tonight?"

Give at oblique answer, rather than a direct one, if it seems a direct answer to a particular question would be awkward for us, the questioner, or the children:

Q. Do you have any pictures of his parents?
 Oh, yes, we've got albums of our whole family.
Responses such as the above can gently educate others, especially if said with a smile. BUT WE ARE ANSWERING PRIMARILY FOR OUR CHILDREN'S EARS.

Q. Are you babysitting?
 No time for that, now that I have these two of my own!

1 comment:

  1. what a great post...and a great way for those of us not familiar with the nuances of adoption to remember to think about what we're saying/asking before we do.



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