Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm Torn

I haven't really got to blog much lately, so I feel like there is a lot to catch up on.

As you may or may not have caught last week, I went to my OB, Dr. Phonebook, on Wednesday. This appointment was to get my 2nd Depo shot. I had pretty much gone into this appointment knowing I did not want to get another Depo.

Upon getting to the office, a) I found out somebody stole a fetal doppler monitor..REALLY?! and b) found out he was running really behind.

When he finally got to the room an hour after I got there, I got to talk to him for maybe 2 minutes before he had to run. We really had not gotten a chance to discuss anything other than he asked how the adoption was going. He promised me he would call me the next day & we could just talk that way.

So as he promised, he called on Thursday afternoon. We were able to talk about how CRaZy I had felt on the Depo & how I really did not feel that it was doing what I thought. But then it happened, I broke down. I finally felt like all those times I had talked with him & been so strong, they all crumbled...I was done. I told him how I was tired, I was tired of my uterus running my life. I was tired of the emotions that went with it & how I feel at this point I have tried everything; it's been 10 years & I am tired.

As always, he was understanding & sympathetic. We agreed that I would try to go totally drug free until my yearly in June, just to see how my body responds. Then he gave me a homework assignment.

We had talked about hysterectomy the last time I was there & he is supportive of whatever I decide. He also knows that I want to wait. I have this thing in my head that I just need to hold out until we get our first baby. Do I think anything will change? No, but for peace of mind, I just need it to be this way.

He told me to look into an endometrial ablation. He explained this was another possible avenue for me to go & just to think about it & do research. He explained there were 2 different ways to do the procedure, but then after it was done, there was no chance of fertility.

By doing this, it buys me time. Time to keep my uterus & not do the hysterectomy, so that is a plus. But I'm torn. I wish I could say for sure I could go one way or another, but I just cannot. I do not know what my connection with my non working uterus is. At this point, I know it serves me no use other than to bring misery to my life. I know with this surgery it could greatly change the way I feel..I know I could feel like me again. So then why can't I just say yes?! I cry when I research this surgery. I cry anytime I think of getting rid of my uterus.

I guess that is a sign, for now, we need to stay together. But I am just so scared that if I do not do something either before the baby comes or soon after, this will get the best of me. I want my energy back & I want to be a good mom. I do not want my life to continue to revolve around this piece of me.

I don't know, I know eventually I will know what the answer is.

**If anyone has ever had an ablation or knows anyone, I would be interested in thoughts, opinions, etc.

4 comments:

  1. I wish i could offer suggestions but I have none:( I just wanted to send you hugs!

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  2. I wish I could tell you the right thing to do but only you know that. I do agree though that it doesn't sound like it's time to say goodbye to your uterus yet and I think that feeling is totally justifiable and normal. I will be thinking of you and hoping that this drug free period is good to you *hugs*

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  3. I feel like I should have some amazing advice for you on this topic considering I just had a hysterectomy a couple months ago. I don't really have any though. I don't know anything about endometrial ablation other than what I read when I clicked on the link above. Have you thought about a partial hysterectomy? I know someone who did that b'c of severe bleeding. I guess they just take part of the uterus?

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  4. My mom had an ablation done back in 92 (I believe) It was only a temporary fix however. The bleeding and pain returned. I don't know ALL the ins & outs ... but by 2000 she was in so much pain she could barely enjoy my 1st wedding and in 2001 had a hysterectomy.

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