Monday, November 30, 2009

2 Weeks


Today has been 2 weeks since I called about the potential baby. I told myself if I did not hear anything within 2 weeks, I would just have to move on.

So today is it, it is time to 'move on.' To realize there is another baby out there for us & this was not meant to be.

I think I really need to take this as a learning experience. It helped me learn more about my emotions & how I would handle things, etc. So from this, we will grow & be able to know what better to expect in the future.

Even though I never spoke with the parents & know very little about them & the baby, I cannot help but wonder about them. I do only wish them the best of luck in the future & hope they make a responsible decision when it comes to their lives & their baby's. I also hope I do at least hear possibly what happened with them in future, but who knows.

This is hard, but I know for my sanity...I had to put a time limit on it. It was very up in the air & a very slim chance anything could happen, so I had to put a time limit on it.

So here I am, at my 2 weeks....

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thankful Thanksgiving



Yes, I know it is not Thanksgiving yet, but since I will not really have access to the internet while at the in-laws, I thought I would share what I am thankful for today!

As crazy as the past year has been with the infertility diagnoses, the testing, the heart break, the decision to forgo treatments & go straight to adoption; along with all the other everyday things, I have so much to be thankful for.

I know I have moments when I let the "bad" stuff get to me & don't think of all I truly have, so I really do want to take a moment to share & remind myself all the good I DO have & am VERY thankful for!

*First & foremost-my husband. He puts up with all my 'flaws' & my hormonal ups & downs. He truly does deserve some kind of award & I cannot thank him enough for being my rock. I love him more & more everyday & I am so very blessed to be sharing my life & this crazy journey with him.

*My family-as much as they can annoy me(ok, they annoy me alot; you should not be allowed to work with your family) they have been so supportive this year & support my hubby & I no matter what.

*I have 2 friends(J & L) that have just been the most wonderful girls this year. They are there to listen to me cry & share in the small or large successes! They both have become so near & dear to me this year, even more than they have in the past. I also love how very excited they are for us to adopt & already love my child!

*The few friends that we have shared that we will be adopting with are so great. They are all so supportive & loving & cannot wait to be apart of our journey.

*I am thankful for wonderful, understanding doctors who are always trying to help me feel better-I don't want to know what I would feel like otherwise!

*I have the best dog in the world. I love my furbaby & would be lost without him.

*As much as my job can piss me off-I have one. I am lucky to have a job & know I will continue to have one in the future. I am lucky it gives me flexibility & will be great once we do have children.

*Considering, my health is pretty good; it could always be worse. I am thankful it is not worse.

*I cannot believe Im in my late 20s & still have all 4 ofmy grandparents. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for them & can only hope I get to see them with their great grandchildren.

*My Twitter friends. Wow, you have all been amazing & this journey would have been awful without you. It is so wonderful to know that you are all there & know what I am going through, it is very comforting.

There is so much more I am thankful for this year, but these are for sure the highlights! I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving

Saturday, November 21, 2009

No One's Gonna Love You

I have always loved the band 'Band of Horse' & their song "No One's Gonna Love You" has always ranked very high on my all time favorite songs list. Whenever I heard the chorus or "But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, No one's gonna love you more than I do" it has always made me think of how I will feel about my child(ren). But today it came on & I listened to it a bit differently than I had in the past.

Then I looked up the lyrics & it got me thinking (& I am sure this is me totally taking it out of context..but hey, that is me), but it is almost like it is talking about dealing with infertility & then when you get your child how much you will love them.

When it talks about how somebody could have warned you...wouldn't that be nice? A bit of warning about how heartbreaking & trying this would all be?

Like I said, maybe it is me taking it out of context & all, but to me, this song has a bit of meaning. But all in all, it is so very true. Nobody will ever love my child(ren) like I will.

"No One's Gonna Love You"

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

Thursday, November 19, 2009

What's On My Mind


I just wanted to do a hodge podge blog of sorts...just to share what has been on my mind lately...lots of randomness to come!

*Will the birth parents call? I give them 2 weeks & then I move on
*I cannot believe the holidays are here! It is true what they say; the older you get, the faster time goes!
*Holy crap, I will be a year closer to 30 in little over a month....ahhhhh
*I have so many adoption books, when will I ever have time to read them all? I want to read them all, I just need to take a week off work to read!
*How did I get so lucky? My husband is the most amazing man ever & accepts me with all my flaws & still loves me
*My Twitter friends are amazing & have really been there, especially with all the ups & downs lately...thank you!
*My feelings about domestic adoption are starting to change some (needs a blog of it's own)
*I cannot wait to hold my child in my arms for the first time, it is really all starting to seem real to me...finally
*For the first time, I started looking at nursery things. I think I have picked out what I like, monkey's-gender neutral & oh so cute!
*I need to get back on the treadmill. 2.5 weeks after surgery is enough time off-gotta get back in gear because I was doing so good!
*The cruise is in February & I am counting down the days
*What to get my DH for his bday/Christmas that isn't too $$ (gotta save for adoption) but has good meaning
*When is too soon to start doing a nursery? Should I have that done before the home study?
*Why do I really want to listen to Enya lately???
*I'm so glad this semester is over...was I insane to sign up for next?
*I have gotten much better at this cooking thing lately, I am so happy, because I vow my kid(s) will not eat out all the time.
*Hope my mom is really going to stick with her word & when we get our first kid, I can work 100% from home
*What in the heck am I wearing for New Years? I've already ordered & returned like 5 outfits!

I think that is a good jist..like I said, just a bunch of rambling today!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Too Good to be True?


These are tears of joy, tears of hope, excitement, nervousness.

So, as many of you know from Twitter, I made the call...I got all my courage & called the dog groomer. I was a nervous wreck; shaking, heart pounding, sweaty pits...yep, that is right, I said it!

I called & she was great! She gave me more details on the couple. They are both 18 & in college. She is only 5 months along & he was adopted, so he is a huge fan of adoption. Apparently they have already talked with an adoption attorney & 1 local couple. They are open to talking to others, however, I guess now that she starts to feel the baby, she is getting ify on adoption. Which it totally understandable, that would be so hard.

The groomer was going to talk to them tonight & pass along my phone number. So who knows, they may not even call.

When I got off the phone, I just lost it. I was all the sudden overwhelmed with emotions & just cried.

Could this be too good to be true? What if we don't hear from them. What if we do? We could have a baby in 4 months. Is this what it feels like to start carrying before you hold a child?! Wow..I was emotional to say the least.

I don't want to get my hopes up & realistically I do not think it will happen. I think it's too good & easy to be true... & I will continue to tell myself that.

But this is all really real now. We are officially getting our feet wet & who knows what could happen!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Adoption Coaster


Is this what it is going to be like? A huge roller coaster of emotions? I mean infertility was, so why shouldn't adoption be the same way? We are not even a week out of class, we don't have our homestudy done & already the roller coaster is beginning! I am not sure if I am cut out for this! I'm already a basket case & this is supposed to be our time off!

So yesterday when I went to pick the pup up from the groomers she asked if we were still wanting to adopt. I told her how we had just finished classes & we were just kind of on a break til after the first of the year. She proceeds to tell me how she has this employee & his 17 year old girlfriend is 7 months pregnant & wants to give the baby up for adoption. She goes on to tell me how the father is adopted & thinks it's the greatest thing ever! **side note(thoughts rushing through my mind):Let my high start setting in! Could it really be this easy? Somebody comes to us?! I mean I have heard stories like this before.** So she keeps telling me about this couple & what not, then she goes "and she just felt the baby kick & now she doesn't know if she can give the baby up for adoption" **side note: I go from high to low real fast**

I kept thinking, wow..is this how it is going to feel? You get the glimmer of a child, to only have that glimmer stomped on real fast? I mean, I was probably putting the card before the horse & she may have not meant anything by it, but my hopes were sure getting up.

So I get to work this morning & I am telling my mom this. Which by the way, she thinks I need to call the groomer, to tell her if they decide to adopt, we are interested...holy crap...that would mean a kid in 2 months!

Anyways, I am telling her this & she decides to tell me that one of our employees asked her a few weeks ago if the DH & I would be interested in domestic adoption. I guess she told my mom she has a friend who has a granddaughter that is pregnant & wants to do adoption. She asked my mom if we would be interested. I guess my mom decided not to tell me about this all right away though because apparently the mother of this girl doesn't want to do adoption & there is turmoil, blah blah.

But so 2 times in less than 24 hours I have had the glimmer of hope. Could either of these situations turn up anything? Possibly. Is it probable? Probably not....but man, do I feel like I'm being thrown into this all fast! I now see how these women totally fall in love with these children before they even hold them.

So who knows, but I think it is official...let the adoption coaster begin!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

As 1 Door Shuts, A New Opens


One person walked into a room 6 weeks ago for an adoption class & last night a different person walked out. I had no idea when I went to that first class what a life changing experience it would all be for me, my hubby & us as a couple. It was a therapeutic experience & the knowledge that was gained is priceless. I never in a million years thought we would grow as we did, so I was pleasantly surprised. The class really became more than we ever could have imagined.

When I started class I was almost depressed. I was so sad that I would not be able to get pregnant & experience the morning sickness, etc. Now I know that I do not need to have all of that to really be a mother. I know I said stuff like that before, but now I really believe it! I know I will be a mom & I know now my hubby is excited for it all, so it is all coming together & I am truly excited.

It was a bittersweet moment walking out last night. I was excited for all there was to come but was sad to think that I would not be walking back into that classroom...what am I to now do on Tuesday nights?! Where will I go to feel like people truly get me? There were lots of questions running through my mind...but I know, it will all be ok!

We had a speaker & then we all talked. Unlike 6 weeks go when I was the talker for our couple, my DH started talking before I could even say a word. It really has been a blessing to see how much he has changed during this time & see how he has opened up. It was amazing to hear the excitement in his voice & hear him talk about our future children. We no longer feel that infertility is a curse...it really will be a blessing. We will be bringing children into our home & give them a life the may have otherwise never had. We are so lucky!

We have made a "plan." We are going to tell his parents & then relax for the holidays & a vacation we have planned in February. We will then revisit after vacation & make our official plan. In the meantime however, we will continue to research agencies & figure out what we really want.

I do have plenty of more blogs to write about thoughts on how things may or may not have changed now that classes are over. Do we still want international, or are we thinking domestic? I also want to talk open adoption compared to closed....so lots to talk about until we start the next big step of our journey.

Thank you everyone for being there & the support.

Wordless Wednesday-Wed Did It

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Let There Be Winners!


I went to Random.org & it selected the numbers 3, 11, & 13. So the winners of the free FertilAid are....drumroll please....
The Klahns
Caramelnyc16
Wannabemom


If you ladies will please email me at PCOSChick@aim.com with your mailing address, I will get your prize out asap!

Congrats ladies & thanks to everyone that entered!

Friday, November 6, 2009

The BIG Surgery


So first I want to start this blog by thanking each & every one of you for all the love & support of the past week. Needless to say to say the past week has been a bit rough between the surgery & now bronchitis! The support from you all has been amazing & truly means the world to me.

Now on to the blog I had planned on writing on November 4th. The reason I wanted to write it on that specific date was due to the fact that it was the 1 year anniversary of my big ole surgery. Now, this blog will be about surgery, so why in the world is there a picture of a watermelon on this post? Please, do read on...you will shortly find out!

First let me start by listing all the fun things that were done to me during this surgery!
*Hysteroscopy
*Fractional D&C
*Micro-Laser
*Bilateral Ovarian Wedge Resection (aka watermeloning)
*Presacral Neurectomy
*Laser of Adhesion's
*Uterine Suspension

Yep, that is my laundry list! So needless to say it was a long surgery & a very long recovery. More than anything with this blog I wanted to try to tell anyone reading this some first hand experience, because some of these things are not done often.

I had ovarian drilling done a year before this surgery & had very good luck with it, however was still having some issues to deal with, which is why my RE decided to go all out & go for the Ovarian Wedging. Yeah, they try to make it sound a bit more pleasant & call it watermeloning...yeah, doesn't that sound like something you do at a summer picnic?! The thought of somebody going in & cutting out almost 1/2 of each of my ovaries was very scary to me, I won't lie. And let me warn anyone who decides to do a surgery such as this...do not, I mean DO NOT, go to YouTube & watch these surgeries being done, under any circumstances!! (yeah, big mistake)

I knew that with a laundry list of things like this being done recovery would be hard & emotional but with the way I had been feeling & how bad the PCOS has taken over my life, I was willing to do anything.

Recovery was 6 weeks of no work & another 6 weeks of taking it easy after that. I was cut like a c-section, with no baby to show for it. The neurectomy helped however, & continues to still help, as I cannot feel part of my womanly inners..may seem odd to you, has been a blessing to me!

I know ovarian wedging is controversial & drilling is done more often, but I will be the first to tell you, if you have luck from the drilling, but still not what you are looking for, the wedging is something to look into.(just my opinion)

My cycle started EXACTLY 30 days after surgery, on it's own..which was huge to me..it had been years since that had happened. Even though the surgery was hard & the emotional wear & tear was even harder on me...here I am a year later saying I wouldn't take any of it back. For me, in the situation I was in, & the pain my PCOS was causing...this was my answer.

I know when I had decided to do this surgery & came home & did research it was hard to find info, but especially first hand experience, so I wanted to let you all know what I had done & let you know I am always here for any questions or anything you may have!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sick As A Dog

Monday, November 2, 2009

My 1st Giveaway-Come Be A Winner!!

I am so excited! I am getting to do my first giveaway :) This is very exciting to me & I really hope you all like it!

Amy (@FertilAidAmy) has given me 3 bottles of FertilAid for Women to give away to you guys, just for reading my blog! It's that simple. You read my blog, leave me a comment & you could be the winner of one of the 3 bottles...it's that easy!

I'm closing this give away this Friday, the 6th at 12am est, so get your comments in before then! I will randomly pick 3 winners and announce them Saturday the 7th. Once the winners are announced, email me your address & I will send you your bottle of FertilAid for Women-pretty cool huh?!

In the meantime, if you can't wait to win my giveaway, head on over to Fair Haven Health & check out all their products. Want to buy now? Enter the coupon code "greatdeal" & get a discount.

But don't forget, if you want to win 1 of my 3 bottles to leave me a comment by Friday the 6th at midnight!!
 
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