Friday, October 30, 2009

Tunnel

There was always the hope of a baby at the end of the surgery tunnel. I went into my last 3 surgeries with such hope & almost excitement. This could be the surgery, the surgery that could fix whatever was wrong with me & could finally give me a baby.

Now that I know it isn't just me & my DH plays a major role in this, it made yesterday's surgery was so different. I did not have that hope & apparently even told my hubby in my drugged stupor that it was a useless surgery, that there would be no baby. I remember him telling me it wasn't useless, that I would feel better.

I know I will feel better, but I think my lack of hope with this surgery has made it hurt more. I know it wasn't useless, I know I will feel better & I have to feel better. I have to feel better for my baby that is to come.

But for now it hurts a bit more than it probably should. I know there is no getting pregnant at the end of this surgery tunnel, but I do know there will be a baby. I know once I feel better & the drugs wear of & I get back on track, it will be better & there will be a baby. And when that day comes, I will look back on this surgery & all the others & know even though I went through so much, it will be worth every bit of the pain.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Turkey Dinner Surprise!


So it came to me yesterday, 'wow, my in-laws still really have NO idea what is going on with us!' My lovely DH has still not told them a thing; nada, nothing!

They know about my "issues" but not his, which was what ultimately brought us to our adoption decision. I keep asking my hubby if he is going to tell him, otherwise we may get some strange looks when all the sudden we show up with an Asian baby!

Now, they do live further away than my family, therefore they are not as much "into" our lives as my family, but still, this is kinda a big thing, they need to know.

So then I thought (you know, those ah ha moments) ok, we are flying up east this Thanksgiving to be with them, this will be the perfect time to tell make the big announcement. AKA: I'm going to be "pregnant" for the 2-4 years! We will really be able to fill them in on everything & give them the 411. So, ok, yeah, we will do that; but how do you start a conversation like that, especially when you have months to go back over?

I personally like my husband going "pass the turkey, by the way, I have no sperm" & then I follow with "pass the dressing, we are adopting from Asia!" YEAH?! I think so, nice ice breaker & good for the shock effect. Or what about me just blurting "your son got jipped in the swimmers department & me, well I have bummed ovaries; we're adopting!" No?!

Do I think the in-laws or his side of the family will support us? 110%, no doubt in my mind. I guess I just feel bad that they have no idea & this will sort of be sprung on them. I know they handle "springing" well though, considering the first time I met them we also announced our engagement :) So they can do it, they are strong.

I guess I just worry about how exactly do you bring it up. Then once you do, you have to sit there & tell the whole story; the testing, the finding out about the DH & the azoo., the deciding not to try treatments. I just worry they will feel left out & there is so much to fill them in on.

I know it will be ok & really can't wait to tell them! I am open to ideas on how to tell them, so if you think my ideas just aren't funny enough, please give me your idea!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Conflict


Yes, conflicted-that is how I have felt the past couple of days & it royally pisses me off! I get upset at myself for even feeling conflicted. I mean, how can somebody be so excited to adopt & feel blessed to be given the chance at motherhood, but still hurt so bad when they hear pregnancy announcements? 

I know they say this is normal, I know they say this can happen from time to time, but I get frustrated. I mean, I feel like I am doing well, going on all excited for adoption & slowly healing the hole in my heart, then like a ton of bricks...it hits me. It hurts, I mean really hurts. How, how can this happen? How can this be normal? 

It WILL get better, it has to! 

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Don't Worry...

Don't worry be happy; that is how the saying goes, right? Well for some people that comes easier than others & I am one of those that is does not come easy for! Not at all!

Worry is a funny thing. It's funny how you will worry about this or that & a few years later whatever you were once worrying about changes to something totally new to worry about & you do not even remember what you used to worry about! (that was a lot of use of the word worry!)

Infertility can be one big whirlwind of worry. First you worry if you are going to get pregnant or not, then you worry about if you should have that beer, because you could possibly be pregnant. Next it is, should I plan vacation for then or not? If I get pregnant this month, I will be really far along by then, so yeah, better not plan that vacation.

Then when you don't get pregnant you worry about the test-the test that will hopefully help you figure out how to get that baby you so badly want. You worry about the actual test, will it hurt? Then you wait & worry about the results. Once you get the results, the worry continues. Will you try this or that. Or how will you pay for that treatment.

I tend to be a bit of a worrier by nature. My hubby on the other hand is the laid back, 'whatever' type of guy, so we tend to balance each other...or at least he tries to balance me! I need his laid back attitude & I have such a hard time with it. I wish I could be better at it, I really do. why is it that women worry more? Is it a natural motherly instinct? Is it just nature? Whatever it is, I sure seemed to get it!

Now that we have moved on to the adoption process, I am already worrying about things like the home study. The home study almost seems to be a joke in adoption class; they say you will worry to death about them, possibly even rearrange your house & really it doesn't matter, they are easy! But yep, here I am already thinking about how will will have to fix this or repaint that...do I sound crazy?! LOL

I no longer worry about all the pregnancy test & lack of sperm; I now worry about if a social worker will think I cannot parent well because I have had back surgery or if they will feel our home is too small.

I hate worrying! I know it does me good, but it is kind of funny how my worry has changed. No longer do I worry about things within me, but now all external things that I really cannot help. This worrying thing is a bitch!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Words Have Meaning & Names Have Power


Naming a kid-this is a big deal! I have had a name list for probably about 6 or 7 years now & as I hear or see names I like, I add them to my list. Now, in order to make the list, you have to be a good name, not just any ole name will do.

My hubby says he likes the list, because then he can just pick a name from the list & he knows he can never go wrong, because I like them!

I was given a very unique name & while growing up I swore I would NEVER do that to my kid. People can never say or spell it right, crap half the time they just call me whatever they want! (yep, I will pretty much answer to anything, even "hey you") But as I have gotten older, I like the whole unique name thing & I cannot imagine naming a child something that is popular or common.

You may be asking yourself why am I writing about naming a baby because I don't have one, heck I am not even on the adoption list yet. I guess with adoption class & everything becoming more real, it has just gotten me thinking about names.

In my line of work, I deal with people all the time & let me tell you, I hear names that make me wonder what in the heck their parents were smoking when they named them. I mean, really? You named your kid Rusty Pole?! Or how about Clorox, yep...just like the bleach! I just don't get some names. Now I know to each their own, but I sure don't want somebody laughing at my kids name or wondering what drug I was taking when I named that poor kid what I did!

They say there are a few questions to ask yourself when you are coming up with names, for example, if you need a girl name you would ask things like:
May ______(fill in the name) come over & play
May I take your daughter, _______, to the prom
May I have your daughter, _______'s, hand in marriage

Then I think, oh wait! We have to work the family names in too because I do not want to be the one that doesn't use that name after generations! Ok, so I guess that means we either need to adopt a litter or my kid is going to have like 17 names! Ahhh...the pressure & all for a kid I do not have!

Ahh, the name game! I may have 3 more years til I have a kid & I am worrying already. (isn't this supposed to be the sign of a good mom?) So, I thought it would help ease the worry if I shared my name list with you guys to see what you thought. Do you scratch your heads when you read these names or are they great?

I have broke them into a girls & boys section, then I have gender neutral. So without further adieu, for the first time on public display....drum roll please....my name list!

Girls Either Boys
Ambreal Rowan Tate
Max Avery Brice
McKee Davis Dixon
Hashley Charley Tucker
Keegan Creed Cain
Cantrail Briden Zane
Aubri Harper Jax
Lydia Aspen Grant
Lyla London Kipton
Kassen
































Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tater Tot Casserole


Here you guys go..got a lot of request for it, so thought I would just post it...ENJOY!




Ground Turkey: 1.5 lbs
Grilled Onions
Cream of Chicken Soup: 12 oz.
Cream of Mushroom Soup: 12 oz.
Tater Tots: 1 Bag
Cheese: as much as you like
I use Cajun Seasoning on my meat & diced green chilies.
Brown your meat & then layer a baking dish with the meat, onions, soups & then tator tots. Bake according to the directions on the tator tots bag. When the timer goes off pull it out & put your cheese on top & place back in the oven just long enough to melt the cheese.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Love Adoption Class, I Really Do!

I love adoption class! I mean, love, love, LOVE IT!! For 2 whole hours I get to be in a room of people that get me. For 2 whole hours I am not alone & I am not judged. I feel hope & excitement, content & an anxiety that I have not felt in years. I love adoption class.

This class has really been a blessing in disguise. I thought when we signed up, we would be going to a class where we learn about adoption & that would be it. I didn't realize it would be like counseling & start me; start us, on the journey towards healing.

I know the hole in my heart will never completely heal. There will always be that spot for the child I did not birth, but I am starting to feel as though it is not my entire heart anymore, slowly, but surely it is getting smaller. I really had no idea all this would happen from class, so it has all been a welcomed surprise.

I really feel like after the past 2 classes, when I leave I have a new outlook & it is great. After class last night, my hubby even said.."ok, after hearing that last couple speak, I think we can really do this. It's ok, we can do it!" (always a positive thing to hear when he is coming around)

So onto the nitty gritty about last night. I am going to do the Reader's Digest version too!

We had 3 speakers last night. The birth mom, a mom that had adopted 6 kids in 4 years, and a couple that adopted an African American girl. 

It was nice hearing from a birth mom & the emotions that came with giving up your child, however the hubby & I did not feel that she was a typical birth mom. She already had 4 kids & was divorcing, hence why she decided to give the child up. She was almost too nice to the adoptive parents; doing everything from letting them name the child what they wanted (se even used their last name on the birth certificate), to letting the adoptive mom stay the first night in the hospital with her & the baby. We felt that this was not your typical birth mom, so we felt it was skewed slightly. I mean the emotions were there, but as a prospective adoptive parent, I felt like if we were to do a domestic adoption, more than likely this would NOT be the type of birth mom we would get. 

Then the mom who had adopted 6 kids in 4 years...well, I don't really know what to say about her. She was there more as an person saying "I know everything about adoption & do this or that." She really did not tickle my fancy.

Then we got to the couple that had adopted the little girl. First of all, they were just such a real couple,somebody that the DH & I felt we could be friends with, so I really think that helped us relate. They told their story of 3 years of infertility & deciding to adopt & the whole journey. Their adoption process included everything from getting calls saying "you have been chosen by a birth mom, come to the hospital to get your baby" then getting there to find out that the birth mom had changed her mind, to having the grandmother of their daughter contest their adoption. They were just so open & up front, it was truly comforting. 

It breaks my heart though when I hear what these adoptive parents go through with domestic adoptions. The ups & downs. The you have a baby, you don't have a baby. The contesting of the adoptions. It just seems to me after infertility & all the heart break it brings, I do not think I could handle the emotional roller coaster of domestic adoption.

I have always said I wanted to do international, especially after seeing a family friend loose their adoptive children after having them for a few years. I guess it is a comfort to me to know that my chances of the birth parents coming back in an international adoption are slim. Call me selfish, call me whatever you will; but for me I am finding more & more with these speakers, domestic is not for me.

I like hearing the stories & look forward to the remaining 4 weeks we have in class. I really think I will even be sad when we no longer have to go, because I really do love it!

Wordless Wednesday-Too Bad No Halloween For Us This Year

Monday, October 12, 2009

HPT


That's right, the girl who will never see a positive HPT is blogging on them-odd or not?!

I was pondering the whole home pregnancy test thing last night when doing laundry. How laundry & home pregnancy test relate, I am not really sure, but that is what did it for me.

I thought about all the test I have bought, all the negatives they have brought & all the other emotions that came with them.

I have seen so many of these things stay negative. I swear, I was buying them in bulk from the manufacture & took out a 2nd mortgage on my home to pay for them, but I didn't care, because I was SURE eventually I would see a positive one.

Yep, those were the days. The days that I was soooooo sure I was pregnant & couldn't wait to get home to take a test, so I would take it at work; just to find it negative.

As I look back now, I almost feel dumb. All the times my hubby & I were so sure that 2nd line was going to show, we were so sure that we would be becoming parents. Little did we know.

I remember 1 time I waited to get home to test, so the DH could be there when I got the positive-when I got home one of his friends from out of town stopped by without notice. I didn't get a chance to test before we went to dinner. I refused to pee though before we left, so I was dying during dinner! My hubby & I sat all through dinner on the edge of our seats, ready to book it out of there...this was it, this was the time, the time we would be parents. I was so late, my boobs hurt, I was nauseated in the morning (it was all in my head as I look back) Gotta love PCOS & what it can do to your body.

I look back now on all the negative home pregnancy test & think, wow, if only I had known. I think about what anyone would say if they had any idea. Here we were taking pregnancy test, so sure & my hubby didn't even have sperm..wow, we must look like idiots.

I still have pregnancy test, test that I will never see turn positive, test that will expire & I will throw out. Test that I thought would one day change my life.

Don't get me wrong, my life is still going to change-but with no help from these little test.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I Am Infertile, Hear Me Roar!!!

That is right, I feel like class last night gave me a new 'high.' It made me feel strong & realize how NOT alone I am. It was therapeutic & exciting; it was surprising & strengthening

When I left that theatre, where 20 some other couples were, I felt like I had a new lease on life. I could see my hubby felt the same too. It was almost like any weight left on my shoulders about infertility were lightening.

I was nervous before class, had no idea what to expect. Figured we would be the youngest in class & feel totally out of place. WOW, I was wrong!

I sat in a theatre with couples that "got it." They knew what it was to cry for the child you will never have, to feel the loss of a child you never held, they just got it. It was comforting; comforting to be able to sit in a room & not have to say a word & know everyone else understood.

Class started with our teacher, an adoptive parent (27 years ago) telling her story of infertility & then adoption. She made it clear that even though she was now in her 60s she still felt the pain of infertility. Even though she had a daughter, that she still would feel the sting that infertility left behind, & she made sure we all knew that was ok. When I heard that this, I just really sighed a sigh of relief. I was normal! It was ok that I could be excited for adoption & becoming a parent, but it was still ok that I occasionally cry because I will never carry a child.

After a short break, we came back & it was time for the class to go around & introduce themselves & tell their story. (good thing there were tissues out for us) The stories were amazing. Everything from couples like us that decided not to try treatments, to some that had children & wanted more. Miscarriages to secondary infertility-all of it in one room! 

As people told their stories, I watched my hubby, as he shook his head in agreement or laughed or seemed sad. All of these emotions were things I had not seen from him lately. He really had been shut down about it recently & if I said anything replied that "he was still trying to get used to it & take it all in." 

We were the last to talk & since I am the talker of the family started telling our story. As I spoke these words out loud to perfect strangers, I started feeling empowered. This story, the one that brought us to this adoption class, had made us who we were as a couple & would continue to make us stronger, it also brought us to where we need to be...adoptive parent classes. As I started to wrap up, I saw tears in my husbands eyes & he then began to talk. I was floored! He is not a talker, especially in a room of total strangers. He opened up; he said things he had not said to me...he looked like weight was coming off him. He talked about how he couldn't see me hurt anymore & did not want me to have to go through more surgeries. He said some of the sweetest words I had ever heard & then he said it! He said how VERY excited he was to adopt & be a parent with me. (pass the tissues please) It was at that moment it was all ok. This was where we needed to be & where we were supposed to be.

Everyone in this class had a unique story-but one thing was common between us all. We all truly felt that everything happened to bring us there, so we could be adoptive parents.

I left the class on cloud 9! My husband seemed like a different person & I was truly ok with being infertile-because there was a reason.

The class really helped us open up communication & we talked a lot about different things dealing with adoption when we got home. I was even so excited & at peace when we got home, that I could not sleep last night. 

I am sure this is jumpy & I am sorry for that! I just feel like there was so much last night-in so many ways that are really going to ring such good to us. I feel like this class is exactly what we needed. What we needed to deal, what we needed to move on, what we needed to know that we were ok & we were not alone. Sitting in that room was powerful & a therapy we never expected. 

So yes, I am infertile & after last night I realize, I am fine. I will still hurt, but I will go on & I will love a child & be a mother. I no longer have to worry about seeming odd if I cry, & it is ok to get mad & hurt-but it will all be ok. I am infertile, hear me roar because I am strong.

The teacher gave us a poem in our class packet & told us not to read it until we got home. She told us this would help & when we were ready, we would truly understand it...so I would like to share it with you. 

Burial
Today I closed the door of the nursery
I have kept for you in my heart.

I can no longer stand in its doorway.
I have waited for you there so long.
I cannot forever live on the periphery
of the dream world we share, and
you cannot enter my world.

I have fought to bring you across the
threshold of conception and birth.
I have fought time, doctors, devils, and
God Almighty.
I am weary and there is no victory.

Other children may someday live in my
heart but never in your place.

I can never hold you. I can never really
let you go. But I must go on.

The unborn are forever trapped within the
living, but it is unseemly for the living
to be trapped forever by the unborn.
- E. Van Clef

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

And The Flood Gates Open!


That is right, I cried, I cried a lot last night to be honest! I cried for the child I will never feel grow inside me. I cried for the positive pregnancy test I will never see. I cried for the pain I see in my husband's eyes when he finally stops acting strong for a minute & realizes the news he was hit with about a month ago. I cried for the nervousness I do have for becoming a parent & for the excitement I have. I cried because of all the what ifs. I just really cried!

You may be thinking right now, 'wow, thought you were excited about adoption & had moved towards that.' My answer to that-I AM excited about adoption & that we are changing the direction our lives are taking & going down the adoption route, but that does not mean that sometimes it can still hurt. It does not mean that sometimes I am not reminded of our infertility & the struggles that have brought us to this point.

It truly is amazing how becoming an all out, sobbing, crying, wreck..well, it really can get out all those bottled up emotions & help. So I cried! I cried for all I have, all I will never have & all I will have in the future. And I know, one day I will look back, as I hold my son or daughter & think 'why, why did I cry so?' Then I will look down in my arms & see why. I will see why I cried all the tears & felt all the emotions & it will all be worth it.

I am sure sometimes my hubby even thinks I'm a bit nuts! I mean, what DH wouldn't, when you are sitting there bawling, trying to talk & breathe! We all know how that goes, just picture it...sob, deep breath in, then try to talk while deep breathing. Crap, after saying that, I think I'm a tad nuts too! I especially think I am nuts when I look back & see how strong I was being, & how I was just picking myself up & dusting myself off, how I was ready-ready to take that next step, then I stumble & become a blabbering fool. But oh well, it's allowed (or at least I hope!)

I am sure there are many more tears to come. I am sure last night was just a preview. I'm positive I will be a blabbering fool again, somewhere on this journey. And I am sure I will cry from time to time about what I won't get to experience, but I know I will cry for all I do!

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Was 19

I was 19-19 when my world would go off track. Not off track in the sense that I was doing drugs or bad in school, off track in the sense that when I grew up, I may not be having kids in the old fashion way (if at all).

I remember the day clearly. I did not even go to the girly doctor for my problems, I thought there was something wrong with my back. HA-way to fool me cyst! 

When you are 19, at least for me, you are not thinking babies & fertility. This was not something I had really fathomed-I mean really, a 19 year old considering their fertility?! Little did I know that by 20 I would be thinking about it more.

Any how, back to "THAT DAY." My dad had taken me to the doctor (dad is Mr. Nurse of the family) and when the doctor told me about the cyst I remember the look on his face. "Oh shit, I should have never said I would take her to this appointment!" You know, the same kind of look your dad will have when you bring up the words period & tampon! (little did my dad know that would be old hat & he would be throwing around words like azoo. & IVF). 

I listened to the doctor, tried to soak in all he was saying, but still not really hearing him. I just remember, you need to see an OBGYN right away! I left the office, in shock-trying not to cry or show emotion (didn't want my dad to have to deal with anymore uncomfortable situations) but as soon as we got to the car, the waterworks started! I was a mess. 

Cyst, huge, doctor right away! That was all I kept hearing over & over in my head. How could this be? I was only 19.

Fast forward a week or 2 & I had met Dr. Phonebook & he said surgery to get these puppies out. He then explained how these could cause "future problems." (not anything you want to hear). Little did I know these cyst would be the least of my concerns & would see "easy" when it came to dealing that was ahead for me & my fertility!

But wow, I was 19! I look back now & think what other 19 year olds have to stop & really think about their fertility? Those of us that do, it's not fair!

Here I am, almost 10 years later & that seems worlds ago. I've been through 3 surgeries, tons of test, meds & more. At 19 the whole thing seemed unfair, something so over my head...but now I am almost thankful I was only 19. It gave me time, time to deal & think & know what I could be up against. It gave me less shock factor (if that is even a possibility when you REALLY find out you cannot have kids). It helped me find a guy who loved me for me-not for the possible kids I could give him (had 1 guy jet because he has to spread his seed).

Was it a curse only being 19? Yeah, it was rough-and poor dad...but I guess in an odd way, it was a blessing too...but I was only 19!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Part 2-Why, Because I Can!

So I have thought of more to add to my little "You May Be a PCOSChick if," who knows, maybe I could turn this into a series of sorts-but you know how it is, your brain keeps going & thinking...so here I am again, less than 24 hours later!

You May Be a PCOSChick If
~You have seen Mount Rushmore more than a few times-as it pops up on you chin often & yep, you can see all the president's faces
~You own stock in Nair, but not for the normal things like legs, bikini line, etc...it's for your stomach!

~You got super excited when you found out you had PCOS, it sounded so much better than those other things they were testing you for, like a pituitary tumor
~Who needs a phlebotomist-you've given blood so much, you can do it yourself! Bring on the baby butterfly needle & vials
~
You have to explain why you're taking Met/Actos/Avandia to Doctors-"no, I don't have diabetes, yes I understand that is normally what you take this for, yes I promise you, no diabetes)
~You've ever wondered is ___________ yet another side effect of PCOS?
~When shaving your legs, you have to shave the tops of your feet, too, so you can wear open shoes. And let's not forget the big toes while we're at it!
~The only time you ever release an egg is when you get one out of the fridge.
~You wonder if you or your bf/dh have the most testosterone
~You've ever been tempted to explain, "I'm actually not a binge eater. You see, I have an endocrine problem that...
~You can braid the hair growing on your big toes (I prefer the pigtail look)
~ DH actually cheers & throws you a party when AF shows up (it's the simple things in life that make him so happy!)
~If DH pops a thermometer in your mouth first thing in the morning instead of kissing you.
~You know a bad hair day is when you can't even get your hair to lather-bring on the special shampoo (who knew there was a special shampoo?)
~You know you are a PCOS chick if while during a heated discussion with a Chauvinistic male co-worker you say "listen here you wimp, I have more testosterone in my pinky than you do you in your whole body!"
~You look in the yellow pages in hopes of a uterus and ovary parts supplier
~You watch the movie "She-Devil" and feel certain that Rose had PCOS (remember when she was using the pink electric shaver?)
~You contemplate taking up yoga...not for the health benefits..but so you can learn to contort and bend to be able to reach all those hard to shave places
~When you name your tweezers!
~You find yourself constantly wiping the oil slick from your forehead, and you're the only lady in your family with greasy eyelids
~You and your doctor have formed your own book club because you see him/her every two weeks for your alternating symptoms
~You start referring to everything and everyone in acronyms i.e. TTC, AF, DH, DD, DX etc etc" - (And not just on the site but in everyday speech!)
~You start using progesterone cream for menopausal symptoms before your 50+ year old Nana
~You thought for many years that you were just "lucky" not having to deal with periods all of the time
~Someone asks you the date and you say CD14, etc-what, that isn't how everyone keeps track of the date?!
~You gain muscle tone in your arms from carrying your purse because it is stuffed full of necessities such as maxi pads, tampons, tweezers, Aleve, meds, etc.
~You are certain the author of Jekell & Hyde knew/was a polycystic woman!
~You think you're pregnant every month!
~You've ever sat it an African fertility chair and carried a fertility doll around with you
~You've become a really cheap date cause you can get drunk on one glass of wine (crap, I can't even drink that much!)
~You get zits in places you had no idea could get zits-like your hand, true story, I promise!
~You at times find yourself wanted to shout from the rooftops "I o'd!!!!!!" and you're not talking about an orgasm


 
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