Friday, August 28, 2009

His & Hers

Just as some couples buy his & hers towels, my hubby & I decided to go with his & hers infertility! Yep, that is right-it's official, we both stink at this baby making process.

I happened to say this his & hers thing to somebody on Twitter & it got me thinking. I mean couples try to be cutesy & do matching things, so why not infertility? I mean, only the coolest of couples can really pull this off-it takes real talent. Ccome on, what are the chances of the infertiles meeting, falling in love, marrying & then comes what?! Well, it's supposed to be the baby in the baby carriage, but for cool couples like us, it's more like baby in a petri dish or the one the comes via plane.

I am hurting right now, even though I did not expect the results from the 2nd SA to be any different from the ones the first time, so I had to find something funny about it.

I really didn't want to go his & hers-I've never been the cutesy, lovey dovey type of girl. Never into that matchy, matchy s*%t or feeling the need for us to do EVERYTHING together as a couple, but damnit I guess I am going to have to change that now. My DH just wanted to be like me, that is all it really was. He was jealous that I got to go to all the doctors & have all the test run, so he figured why not join in the fun!

I teased him earlier that I should have given him a SA test prior to agreeing to marry him. I guess I should have just told him that was the infertile of the relationship & I did not want to have him in my territory-oh well, too late for that one!

So for now, I guess I get to stop thinking I don't like the his & hers things-because that is what we are now. The Infertiles: His & Hers (maybe I should make towels for us!)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Waiting Game


Yep, I am officially a player in that game we like to call the waiting game. I don't like this game & I am really no good at it, however I am forced to play. I feel like I am on the playing field & everyone is running around me, but they won't pass to me! I just want to know! I want to know what the results of the SA test are. I do not expect them to be any different than a few weeks ago, so I just want to know! Just tell me what my hubby has Azoo. & let us move on with things.

The call came so quickly last time, less than 6 hours actually, so why do I have to play the game this time? I guess I just assumed, since it was so fast last time, they would be kind to me & do the same. I mean, I'm nervous this time-not sure why, but I am. Maybe it is because I know what to expect, last time I did not. Well, I don't like this, not one bit! (wow, I would really suck at a 2ww after an IUI or something...geeze!)

So here I am, ending my day at work, to head home & continue to play. To play in that game that I really stink at & really never wanted to play in the first place. **Throws hands up & starts throwing a child like temper tantrum**

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Venting

**WARNING** This post is going to be a bitchy, all out vent & if you do not want to read it, please close now :)

Started my day with Fertility Friend pretty much telling me I am so screwed up, that they are getting rid of my possible ovulation date! Mind you, they have already changed it 4 times-now for time number 5, we are just going to get rid of it! Ok, so I knew I was screwed up, but is it really so bad that a computer can't figure me out?! I thought they were supposed to know EVERYTHING!!

Then I was told once again by the lovely computer, that AF would come Saturday (it was right last month, hence why I bought a year subscription!) NO...WRONG, once again! Not only does she FINALLY decide to show her ugly face after nearly 40 day- she couldn't even be nice about it! She brought me a headache, heat flashes & wicked cramps.

Ok fine-I can deal with this! To take out my bitchiness I got to swear out a warrant for an arrest on somebody passing checks on a closed checking account-so then I felt better!

Fast forward to lunch time-decided to sign on my Facebook Account real fast. (side note: I have 2 cousins, 1 older boy & 1 younger girl. We are not close in anyway whatsoever, do not get along really well & pretty much have a civil relationship for my gparents) Well I am FB friends with the girl & when I sign on, what do I see other than a post announcing her & her hubby are pregnant & due in April. Wow-blow! But I decide to be nice & I congratulate her. I should have known better, I should have known what she was like & this would lead to something. Here is the comment she post back on my FB page:
Cousin: Thanks. You and Mr PCOSChick going to try any time soon? I hear your mom really wants you to adopt an asian one though? ;-)

What? Really? GRRRRR! Then I hit the delete button! Whatever, I was trying to be nice.

I call my gma to see if she knew, talk to her about it, etc... & was is she? Amazing! She had known & had been trying to protect me because she knows it was rough with the SA test, etc. lately. But you know, I think I am more dissapointed in myself more than anything. I am strong, I am the one that puts on the happy face & knows it will all be ok (which it will) -but I cried, a lot. I cried to my grandma. But my gma did the sweetest thing ever-she told me she didn't know, she was blessed to be able to have kids, but she wanted to help however she could & would help with money for my husband & I to become parents. I was FLOORED (so here is my non venting moment)

So where am I left-hot, bitchy, crampy, & once again, mad at my bitchy cousin! But I also learned even more so what a wonderful woman my granmother is! (so I guess this wasn't ALL bitching!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's a Bird, It's a Plane...No, it's...


Super Sperm
Yep, that is what my DH has decided he has. 1 big, huge, lightening fast SUPER SPERM!

I know I shared this with most of you on Twitter today, but I have been thinking about it more & it's meaning! And for those of you that didn't hear...well here we go, the Super Sperm story!

My hubby & I were laying in bed last night talking & all the sudden he goes "I've got it! I've got a Super Sperm. Just 1, but it's like Super Man & it moves so fast that's why they can't see it with a microscope!" Now mind you, by this point he is doing the arm movements & flying & me, well I am dying laughing! But at the same time, it was like a sigh of relief.

I was so happy that a) he was laughing about it. I had tried this method over the past week & a half, & well, it wasn't working so well with him b) he was actually talking about it. He really had not said more than a couple things about it & when he did, you got maybe 2 sentences-this was really a bigger blow than I think he wanted to let on (which is understandable)

But between my tears of laughter...I couldn't help but think wow! This is what it has come to-we make excuses for sperm?! Who would have ever thought my life would get to the point where I was talking (& blogging for that matter) about 1 big SUPER SPERM!

I really can't help but just laugh & know that if we can laugh about his swimmer problems, it will all be ok!

Plus I think he is on to something ;-) He could get some club or something going for all the other men with azoo. & they could all be the SUPER SPERM men! HA

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Big Decisions

So the hubby & I went on our normal Sunday morning date & really got to talking about all the happenings this week. We talked about what the options were & what was in store for us in the months to come.

My hubby, as usual is the one that does not want to worry or anything until you have the hard facts (how I wish I could be that way). But I wanted him to know what I had been really thinking. And trust me, I have been thinking a lot since this SA test.

I know that there are a couple possibilities if the next test comes back the same or even if it doesn't there are still some options. I know if it comes back the same he may or may not have any swimmers & if he does, there is a chance they can get to them & we can try IUI. I know if he doesn't have any we can use donor or not. I know if it is wrong & he is ok, we will still have to do IUI because of my infertility. So where does this leave us?

It leaves us with lots of time at the doctors, lots of money out of pocket, possible heartbreak & possibly no child at the end. So now what?

I have always been a HUGE fan of adoption. One of my best friends was adopted from India & that just really made me a bigger fan. It has always been a little thing in my family since we found out it would be hard for me to have children, that whenever an Asian baby was seen, my mom says: "that is what my grandchildren will look like one day" (I want to adopt from an Asian country). I made it clear to my hubby when I met him what was wrong with me, that we may not be able to have kids because of me (little did I know possibly him too) and I would like to adopt.

Well, after thinking, talking with people and talking with my husband today. I think we have decided no matter the out come of his next SA we will be adopting. At this point I realize that my hopes of ever carrying a child may not come true. But what my mom tells me is true, you do not have to birth a child to be it's mother; birthing does not make you a mom. And that is so very true.

I knew right away donor was not for me and he agreed, so that option was out. We both know, that even if he has swimmer & they can get to them, there is a chance that we could put all this time & money into IUI and possibly IVF and never get a child. So at that point, you figure you have spent at least a 1/3 of what it would cost to adopt, and that is only if you do 1 round. So do we really want to go through all of that, just so I can experience pregnancy?

Do not get me wrong, I would do anything for the morning sickness and the sore boobs. But it's time to be realistic. I mean, not only do I have my fertility problems, I had back surgery at 19 and I was told I may not be able to carry because of that too...so it seems like more and more odds are stacked against us.

I guess I feel there are so many children that need a good home and we could do that. By adopting we become parents and help a child in need; we all win! My mom jokes and says that no matter if they are adopted or birthed by me, they will still think you know nothing when they are a teenage and you will deal with all the same things.

So I think that is where we stand. We of course are going to continue with the testing on the DH and get him taken care of, but I think for now the TTC is being put on hold and trying to do more research on adoption.

And who knows...maybe now that we have decided this, some miracle will happen and I will end up pregnant...I have heard stranger things!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Emotions

Yep, that is the topic of this blog. I am not a very emotional person, but needless to say, that has become a big lie over the past few days! Actually my emotions have been more like an up & down, loopy loop roller coaster-that goes VERY fast!

As most of you know by now, I was shocked to receive a call from my OB to inform me that my hubby (MPC-Mr. PCOSChick) has no sperm. Man, I am glad I walked to a private office for that call because when he said it, a)I had to repeat it back to make sure I heard it right & b)I just started crying!

How could this be? He is the healthy one of the two of us. I am the one with the medical problems, I am the reason we cannot get pregnant. I just was not prepared for this, because the thought of something being wrong with his swimmers really was not a concern of mine AT ALL!

I cried & I am not talking some tears here & there, I mean full out, sit on the floor in the bathroom sobbing. I don't sob-that is not what I do, & there I was, babbling like an idiot on the phone to my mom-sobbing!

My mom was really trying, she was. Telling me how lucky I was to be living in this day & time, when we could have options & how so & so had issues & had a kid & this person too. So I will give it to her for trying...but I didn't care-not about so & so-this was about US!

I think I pretty much sat in a haze the rest of the day, with 50 million (or more) things going through my head-I just didn't understand why us, or how this could happen!!

Going home that night & facing my hubby was very nerve wracking. I wasn't sure how to act around him. I mean this was his manhood-do I joke about it to lighten the mood? Needless to say it was kind of quite that evening, plus I was so exhausted, after we treated ourselves to DQ, I passed out on the couch!

Yesterday things started getting back to normal, we were laughing & joking & we were ourselves. I pretty much decided I am not going to worry about this much. Since they are going to run another test in a few weeks, if the test results come back the same, then I will worry! I did do a bit of research however to see what could cause it & what our options would be, so that was a bit more comforting.

He is going to go to the urologist just to double check everything & make sure it is nothing serious-so that makes us both feel better!

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon-I was finally feeling more me. I was starting to feel less numb & more ok. I was really proud of myself because I had decided I would be ok, & it was looking that way. Well, that was until I picked my parents up from the airport. They decided it was their time to chime in, which of course just made me mad! They told me we need to chill, we don't need to worry about kids or dogs or anything & I just need to stop. I told them I didn't plan on doing anything for a bit, crap we can't because we have to figure out exactly what we are dealing with..but I was told that I shouldn't even research anything or do anything. Excuse me, how old am I?! Why do I need you to tell me what my hubby & I can & cannot do?

So that is pretty much where I stand right now. I am ok, with things between my hubby & I and we will deal with whatever comes our way. I know this is going to add more time on to becoming a mom-no matter if we try on our own (if we can) or adopt & I am ok with that. I know this is going to be more involved now than it already was going to be & I'm ok with that too. But I do not like my parents butting in, I don't want them to think they can tell me what to do-I'm NOT ok with that! But I will give it to them, that they do not fully understand-how could they, they had 2 healthy, easy babies! I was always told my mom was fertile myrtle...so how come that wasn't passed on?!

But no matter what-I feel my emtions becoming more stable (for now at least) & I know, it will be ok!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Hoping for the Michael Phelps of Swimmers!!

Never thought I would hope for the day my man was like Michael Phelps...but tomorrow is the day I hope his swimmers are strong like good ole M.P.!

Well tomorrow is the big day...the dh takes his swimmer to be tested. This is HIS test, so why am I the one freaking out?! I would be shocked if he had problems (I mean that is my department) but what if something is wrong? Then we are dealing with male & female infertility & the thought of that just breaks my heart. I mean, I know others deal with it; but I am just now really dealing with my own, I just don't want to add him to the list.

I think between this test & my upcoming doctors appointment coming up-the stress is getting to me. I'm freaking out! But like my hubby said this evening, it will all be okay...we can do this & if he has a problem, so be it...we have each other & that is all that matters.

I know that is important, I know that is so very true...I just wish I could believe it 100% & not feel the need for a little one.

But off trailing off topic now; back to the S.A.!

On a funny note, he went to get his cup today & got lost, ended up in the wrong part of the hospital, had to ask 3 people where to go (none of knew where to send him)-so he had a very eventful lunch break! All I could say, was "wow, glad that wasn't tomorrow when you had to drop it off, because then you would have been late & it would be no good-which would mean this abstaining was for nothing!!" hehe

So here is to hoping for good strong swimmers!

Friday, August 7, 2009

I'm a Wuss

I won't lie, I'm SCARED! I'm scared of all the what ifs, the let downs, the moments where my heart will break & I feel like it may not be put back together. But then again, I have nothing to be afraid of, because one day it will all make me a mom!

I have never been one to be scared, I've always been the strong, confident one...where did that go?! This trying to become a mom thing really just scares me! I read the blogs, I talk to all of you on Twitter & I hear the stories. I see what it is like to cry with joy & what it is like to cry with sadness & I'm scared of all of that.

Am I really ready? Are we really strong enough to do this? And even though I am frightened... I know the answer is still YES! I want the chance, no matter how scary it may, be to hold that baby in my arms (or hopefully twins) & feel what it is like to then be scared to be a mom & wonder will I do it right!

I feel like a wuss for being scared, I feel like I should just go into all of this & throw caution to the wind, because this is what it takes. I do not like that I worry about the bad things that could possibly happen, I really want to focus on the end result, but sometimes its hard. It's hard when you know there are those what ifs.

Ok, that is it for now, I am at work & just had the need to get that off my chest real fast!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My Favorites

I was sitting here this morning, doing some work from home on my laptop when I noticed; I mean really noticed my favorites on my computer. 

What is there to notice about my favorites you may be asking? Yeah, you have the banks website saved and even FertilityFriend, but what is so special about that?! Nothing is special about those, its the ones that I have under code names. The ones that I started saving when I got this computer, even before I met my husband! These favorites are my baby favorites. The baby sling that I found & fell in love with; the car seat that looks like a racing seat that I know my dad would get me in a heart beat(he was on a racing team when I was in high school); or even the list of names that I started compiling in college. 

Why code names? Well, hmmm...for many reasons! I mean I started saving all of these before I met my hubby & the last thing you want is some guy you are dating to ask to see your computer & up at the top of the screen are words like baby sling & baby car seat-could be a red flag! 

I will be a mom one day & I will get to finally use these things saved in my favorites. I will be able to enjoy them & not think that back in the day I was wasting my time & saving them for nothing but a small glimmer of hope of being a mom!
 
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