Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
I have decided to tell you guys a bit more about me. I have debated lately on "coming out" & sharing the 'real' me, however I still have some things holding me back. In no means am I embarrassed by my PCOS or infertility or even my hubby's infertility. It isn't that I do not think all of your are wonderful either; sadly it is my job. Because of what I do & my employees & also my ex employee-that why I haven't truly shared who I am. It makes me sad sometimes that I have to watch what I say & do because somehow it could back fire on me if somebody finds out who I am, but such is life...& sadly I have learned all this the hard way.
Ok, enough of the sob crap! I do want to let you guys in a bit more & tell you more about this Chick :) Not exactly sure where to start & if you guys have questions, please feel free to ask, I will answer what I can!
Where to start?!
*I am the oldest of 2 & have a younger brother
*I love to travel & would go all the time, but stupid work gets in the way
*I'm the 1st infertile in the family :)
*My job is far from my life long dream job & I WILL be doing something else in the future
*I want to move really bad, I've been in Ohio all my life & that is way too long if you ask me
*I was a dancer growing up & think dancing is one of the most beautiful arts
*Blogging & Twitter have been such a blessing to me because I had never met anyone with PCOS or infertility before
*I'm a music lover & do not do well without it on...all the time!
*When they say opposites attract, I'm convinced that statement was about my hubby & I
*As much as I don't like to admit it, I am addicted to Starbucks! (Hi, my name is PCOSChick & I can't give up the 'Bucks)
*Huge OSU & Bengals fan (even though they are awful)
*I love fall, I mean LOVE! I heart everything about this season, from football to Halloween & I am still trying to figure out where I can move & it is fall year around.
*I was never the girl that dreamed of being a mom growing up. I actually never understood the biological clock thing at all! Funny how things change.
*PCOS has been both a blessing a curse in my eyes
*I keep a calender on my desk that is too funny-Why Do Guys Have Nipples?-highly recommend it for a good laugh & info daily
*I make a wish on the 1st star I see, even at almost 30. I really think one day, my wishes will come true!
*My toenails are never not painted, it's like a phobia of mine to not have them painted
Well, enough about me! Thank you to all of you for everything & maybe one day, the real me can come out, until then...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Let me start by giving you a bit of background on the DH & I. They say when you know, you know! Well that was the case for my hubby & I. We met, were engaged & married in less than 6 months-crazy I know!! I just fell in love with him right away & when we decided to get married, even my family knew it was right! He is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet & when I first met him, I wasn't used to that...so it was a bit hard to get used to (really glad I did though!). He is my best friend, as corny as that sounds & I know with him by my side, I can do ANYTHING!
As I have stated before I was always up front with my female issues & the possibility we would have to adopt, little did we have any idea that he too would have a condition that would only add to our TTC journey. I was lucky that he was ok with the adoption thing, & didn't run like some guys did, but I never had any idea how lucky I was that he was ok with it.
Well yesterday when I was at the hairdresser she was telling me how she has 2 other clients that are in the midst of treatments, etc & how the 1 has had 1 failed attempt after another. She said it is so sad to see because she wants to be a mom so bad & her husband refuses to adopt!
When she said this, she really got me thinking. Wow, how lucky am I. I know there are men out there that feel the need to "spread their seed," grant it my hubby has none to spread, but still. I am lucky because he is ok with adoption, which will give me the chance to be the mom I so badly want to be. I am also lucky with how open & understanding my family is with us adopting. I have heard stories about how family members will not accept children into the family that are adopted & that is awful; not that I ever doubted my family.
But yesterday it just got me thinking. Not only did I got to the hairdresser & get my "I feel sexy hair," I got reminded how truly lucky I am & what a wonderful hubby I do have. I made sure this morning to email him & tell him how much I loved him & how I was so thankful that he is going to give me the chance to be a mom, even if the baby does not come from us.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
I have always talked with my hands, I mean ALWAYS! I am the type if there is a glass of water in my way, you better get it away from me, or one of us may end up wearing it.
When I was in kindergarten, my mom actually put me in sign language classes one summer because I would always walk around & act like I was signing (guess I thought it made it a bit better than just flinging my hands around?!) Any how, I took that once summer & loved it, but unfortunately there was really was nothing else I could do with signing after that. My school district did not offer classes & with all my dancing I did not have time to go to a center or anything.
Well let's fast forward a few years to college (ok, so maybe more than a few years) & I was told I had to take a foreign language for my degree. I took 5 years of Spanish in middle school & high school & I was done with that. I didn't want to do French or German, did not have the attention span for Japanese or Chinese, so I really thought I was screwed. That was, until I found out I could take sign language...um, yes please, where do I sign up!!
It came naturally to me (not sure if it is because of all the talking with my hands-you would think I was Italian). I loved it, I looked forward to class & I really was sad when I finished all I need for my degree. I was actually only a few classes short of being able to get an associates in sign language. I have always toyed with the idea of going back & finishing it to have my degree, but I just really have never had the time.
I have used my signing some since college but not much. Yesterday we had a customer & his wife come in & they were both deaf. The man had a question & went to go grab a piece of paper to write to me, when I told him I signed. His face lit up so much, it really was a great feeling. I am sure that he had been all around the festival that day, trying to write to people & that would be hard. We had a whole conversation about our booth & our store, the products & more. Both him & his wife kept thanking me over & over & how they were so happy I signed.
It really was a heartwarming experience for me. Both my mom & my hubby were there & saw it all. Mom was so proud she was telling everyone & it was so sweet, when we got home my DH was like, that was the coolest thing I have ever seen you do & I really cannot explain the emotions I felt when I saw you do that. WOW! Again, another heartwarming moment for me.
So then the hubby & I got talking...maybe I should go back & finish my degree. I really would love to, I've been talking about it, so what is stopping me. I felt so great yesterday helping that couple & really feel like I could us the signing to help others. So we talked some about school, but then we got talking about adoption...what about adopting a hearing impaired child? We could do it! My DH is willing to learn sign language & we feel like, not only would we be adopting a child, we would be adopting a special needs child that otherwise may be passed by.
Of course nothing is set in stone, but this is now something we are toying around with. I AM going to go back & finish my degree, probably starting back this spring, so that is exciting (yes, I am the idiot who will be working on 2 degrees at one time-at least I know I'm an idiot)..but I am also excited at the thought of being able to get a truly unique child & giving them things they may not otherwise been able to have...so we will see...just another mini chapter in our story!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
1 week ago we decided to stop our TTC journey & switch to our adoption journey.
Now what does this picture have to do with anything that I just said? Well let's pretend that is a girl..which is me, PCOSChick & that world, well, that was the weight I felt from everything as we were on our TTC journey. The weight of the doctors appointments & the bloodwork, the wand & the walls we kept running into. Let me tell you something, as I am sure most of you know, this weight is heavy & tiring & it takes a toll.
The past month or so had been really tough with all the talk of do we keep going or do we stop, do we try this or that; or what about that, oh yeah & how much will that cost?
I was stressed, I was tired & WOW, was that weight getting me down!
Now here I am, a week after we decided to move on to adoption & I can honestly say, for me (please know I am not pushing my decision or anything) the stress is starting to go away & the world is getting smaller on my shoulders. Now, do I think as we officially start our adoption journey it will come back? Oh, no doubt about it...but for now, I am changing, I am getting back to the less stressed version of me.
People say that when they talk to me & when I talk about our decision or adopting, they can already tell a huge difference in how I sound & talk...& I am glad.
I really do feel at peace & slowly but surely that weight is going away. Do I still wish I would get pregnant? No doubt about it? Does it still hurt when I find out others are pregnant? Of course! And I don't think any of that will change, at least not for a while. But that still does not change the fact that I am at peace with our decision & that I no longer look like that guy above (I really am much cuter though, I promise!)
So 1 week ago, my life changed a little...we decided to take another path to parenthood.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I have recently started following Mr & Mrs R on their blog as my hubby & I start our adoption journey.
I was saddened to find out that the birth father of their son Gavin is wanting his son back. This is all adoptive parents worst nightmare & something they should never have to deal with.
The family is tired both mentally & financially & could really use our support!
There is a raffle going on & all funds will go to help the family with their legal fees. Please take a moment to help out...as every penny helps!
Here is some information on the raffle & how you can help:
All funds collected in this raffle will go directly to help pay for their legal fees.
Here's how it works:
1. $1 gets you one ticket in the raffle ($5 gets you 5, etc)
2. Posting about the contest on your personal blog with blog button (you can get the button here) gets you another (1) ticket in the raffle. You can then either post a comment in Mrs R's "contest post" or send me an email with the link to your post.
3. Raffle ends 9/30 and winner will be announced 10/1.
4. Winner gets custom doll! :)
A) Choice of Girl, Boy or Animal
B) Choice of fabric
C) Choice of skirt or tutu for doll (unless its a boy of course)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
So I decided today to live on the edge & change my icon on Twitter...I'm a rebel, I know!
But this picture represents more than just an icon picture to me. When I saw it, I just knew it was right. I mean, here is this girl holding her heart out there. She is allowing it to be vulnerable, but does not care...because she knows one day it will all be ok. Her heart is there for the baby she already loves but has not met yet.
I do not care if you are taking the IF rollar coaster like so many of you lovely ladies are, or if you have decided to adopt like my hubby & I, you are already in love with a child.
You know, yesterday Caretta74 told me something that was sooooo very true. "I AM already a Mom, I just haven't met my children yet!" When she said this, my heart filled with joy, because I knew what she was talking about.
I think this truly is the case for all of us. We are all mothers, we already have so much love for our children, they just are not here yet...we are all just waiting to meet them, no matter how they get here.
So here I am with my new picture...with my heart out there, full of hope & love...all for my child(ren) that I am waiting to come into my life, just as we all are!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Before you get all excited, this is not me...just some random girl that I found on the good ole Google search! But it was the best picture I could find for what I felt like this post was going to be about...closing an old chapter & starting a new one, well probably a new 2 or 3!
So where to start because I am starting to think September 10th, 2009 was a BIG day for me!
I will start off simple-the dietitian.
I was really wondering what in the world I was thinking going to a dietitian when I first got there. I was the skinniest & youngest person there & the receptionist was rude. But as soon as I met the actual dietitian all fears were gone. She really was a nice lady & NOTHING like Jillian Michaels at all! So I was very pleased :) She was pleased that my blood work, as far as insulin, etc. had no signs of PCOS &/or IR. Because of this, she did not feel the need to put me on a diabetic like diet, her biggest concern was my eating habits.
Let me take a moment to explain my "eating habits", or lack of, which ever you prefer! I'm not a big eater by any means of the word. I have never been a breakfast person, awful I know & then if I eat lunch it is just something small, then I have dinner. I don't eat unhealthy, I just don't eat enough.
So the dietitians big concern of course was my lack of eating, along with lack of protein & calcium intake. (oh yeah, hate milk too!) Apparently I should have 70 grams of protein a day & I am lucky if I am getting 30, so that was really what she was huge on.
So her big thing was to get me to have 3 meals a day & then 3 snacks. She was really helpful & understanding with the fact that I work & a lot...so it wasn't always possible for me to make this or that. So she gave me some ideas of things I could prepare on Sunday night, bring to work for the week & have. Like I said on Twitter she gave me some great recipes that are fast, look yummy & are high in protein, so I will post those sometime soon.
I go back in 2 weeks & in the meantime I just have to do some major grocery shopping & start writing down all my protein, calcium & fruits & veggies I eat.
I liked her because she was realistic & was understanding that my life can be hectic. Oh & the other thing was I have to be better about my exercise (yes, I know!) So I think I will be elliptical/treadmill shopping this weekend. She felt with my schedule it would be better to do 15-20 mins. of cardio a day, then trying to fit in fewer big workouts.
Ok, so done with the dietitian stuff...now on to the BIG, BIG news.
As I am sure you know by now, I bought my first adoption book. This was a huge step for me. For the past probably 3-4 years now, all my books have been about infertility & PCOS (with some Jodi Picoult mixed in) I wanted to learn what was going on, what my options were etc. I really was on overload probably & couldn't stop reading. So the fact that I decided to purchase an adoption book was a huge step. I felt like as things go on & things keep stacking against my DH & I, it was time to start closing that chapter & moving towards a new one. It was a bitter sweet moment for me, but little did I know that it would become more so later in the evening.
Now, on to the OB stuff...sorry if you are getting bored, I told you guys I had a lot to say; it really was a big day!
So I went to my OB & Dr. Phonebook has to be one of the nicest people I have ever met. When he called both times with mu hubby's SA results he called me himself & was on the phone with me for over 30 minutes each time. I have spent multiple hours with him in the past as he research things about me or my hubby & really is trying his best. Last night was different when he walked into the room...he looked defeated & I had never seen this look before. (I think I looked defeated also though)
He said he had done more research on the azoo. in my husband & wanted to hear what the urol. had said. He told me he had called a few doctors too for more opinions & such & he just had never seen anything like this before. I told him I wanted nothing but straight forward honesty..I told him I could take it & I wanted to truly know that even if they were to find sperm in my hubby, what were our chances of really being able to try to get pregnant & carry a baby to term. I told him I know there are so many medical things against us & every time I turn around we get more. At this point Dr. Phonebook looked like he was going to cry & told me "he felt helpless & he wanted so badly to just be able to give me a pill & fix it all & give us a baby," but he couldn't. He said the actual possibility was VERY slim & he knew I had said something about adoption in the past & wanted to know if I still felt this way. (side note: very proud of myself, as I still was not crying at this point) He said with all things against us, that the timing would have to be impeccable & pretty much my life would revolve around it & he was sorry, but it would have to be a miracle. (still not crying..think I am just absorbing)
I knew he was right & this is what I needed to hear. I needed somebody to sit me down & put me in check. I told him I was ok & I was. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know I will be a mom someday & giving birth to a child does not make you a mom & that is my new motto! I know that we have tried a lot & done our best & that going any further would only cost more money & cause more heartbreak.
We then went on to talk about how I was feeling because he told me we need to get me feeling well & in tip top shape, so that when I bring home my new baby I will be ready to go.
I haven't been feeling the best lately, but I am not one to say. I know my endometriosis is back for sure along with other things (you know how you can just tell). He looked over some previous test & decided it would be best to go in & do another lapro. He said he wants to go in, clean me out & know what exactly is going on. We decided we would plan this for later in the year, so I can start 2010 "clean", healthy & ready to start my new adventure.
I feel good about everything that happened yesterday. I feel like with everything put together, I feel like I now know what to do & I am ok with it.
When I got home after my long day & talked to the hubby I knew what I had decided was right. It was right for both of us.
So it is bittersweet for me to say, but at the same time exciting.
So here I am... PCOSChick announcing as of of 9/10/09, our fertility journey is over & our adoption journey will begain.
We are going to take some time off & just spend some "us" time together & probably embark on our new journey mid part of next year.
In the mean time, I still plan on blogging & twittering with all of you, as this has all helped me greatly! I am excited for all that is to come for Mr. PCOSChick & I, & for all of your guys..I think 2010 will bring great things for all of us!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tomorrow is a big day for me! I will be starting my morning with a dietitian...this both excites me & scares the living daylights out of me! The last thing I want to hear at 9am is about my BMI, weight etc...not always a pleasant start to the morning. I have been lucky though, lucky that I have made it this long after my diagnoses with PCOS to really have to watch what I eat.
Yeah, yeah...I know...I should have started watching what I ate when I was first diagnosed, but they considered me a "skinny PCOS," so why bother?! Well, now I will tell you why...5lbs in less than a month! Metabolism slowing down as a I get older & also the fact that diabetes & heart diseases already runs in my family...then I add my PCOS to that-yep, time to nip this in the ass!!
I will admit though, I have this fear of walking in & a Jillian Micahels, buff-like lady will be there..tell me I am a fat a$% & then start me in a mind blowingly insane boot camp! (once again, not a pleasant way to start your day) I really would like to work out more than I do, but this thing call work & now school rule my life & no gyms like to open early enough, or stay open late enough for me...damn them!
The other issue I have with this dietitian thing is...yes, I will admit it-I, PCOSChick, am a CARB-A-HOLIC. Yes, I said it! The more bread, pasta & potatos you give me, the happier girl I am :) So, the fact that I will have to cut that back drastically makes me a very sad girl...but I am willing to do it, for my health (that is still hard to say)
So yes, dietitian is the start of my day & the end will be my OB..oh yeah, yet another OB trip! I haven't seen my OB in 3 whole months, so I think withdrawal is setting in. This was to be my appointment after my "3 month wait" after the HSG test. The one when I was leaving the office last time Dr. Phonebook* (yeah, that is what I will call him-will explain in a footnote below) told me "I better see you pregnant in 3 months when you come back." Well, won't I be a let down..not only am I not pregnant, I have a hubby with no sperm! (double whamy!)
So yes, I will not be visiting Dr. Phonebook tomorrow to talk babies, but instead my BBT chart. My last visit with him prompted me to start charting. Even though I feel it is a bit useless now, as the hubby & I have pretty much made up our minds on the whole how we will become a parent thing, I am interested to see what he has to say about my extrememly whacked out charts that I like to call my BBT.
I also have a feeling, unless some kind of miricle happens with my hubby's bloodwork, that tomorrow may be one of the last times I see my OB for something other than a yearly...that is, if my PCOS keeps being somewhat nice to me..along with all those lovely cyst, polyps, etc & I do not have to live in his office.
It is kind sad, because it feels like a chapter closed. So big things tomorrow for me. Taking over my health & possibly changing a chapter in my life.
So yeah, now I am rambling! Anyhow, tomorrow is a big day for me...lots of fun appointments for my BlackBerry to remind me of!
**Footnote: Why do I call my OB Dr. Phonebook? Well, when I was 19 & had my first cyst (little did I know what this was the start of) my Dr. at the time blew me off, told me it was nothing. So I went to the phonebook & just started calling OB's & Dr. Phonebook was the one that could get me in first. (wow, I just realized I used an actual phonebook...not the internet, feeling old now!) So yeah, best thing that ever came out of a phonebook for me..he is an amazing Dr. & really has helped me a lot.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
That is right-It's NOT a Clown Car!! Come on Duggars!
You know, I have debated about doing a blog on the Duggars, because I did not want to be "THAT infertile!" Well guess what, I have things to say about all this, so I broke down, I am doing it-I am blogging about the Duggar family!
Have you Googled them lately, since their "oh so surprising" announcement yesterday about kid number 19 on the way?! I mean you can find so much about them-even polls on what J name the next kid should have.
We get it, you can have kids! Your husband is super fertile & so are you. But here is my real question...at this point, isn't IT stretched out?! I mean, how do the kids stay in there for the full 9 months? And is birth just like going to the restroom & "opps, kid came out?!"
I do not understand the point of just going til you can't go no more. Isn't this a bit insane to have kids (18 & 19) to be growing up with your grandkid?!
As an infertile I can't completely be mad with the Duggars, because I wish I was that fertile, & how amazing would that be (but I sure wouldn't have that many kids)-but then again, as an infertile I am ticked because I think they need to share their water. I mean, isn't always in the water? If that is the case, they need to be bottling that crap & selling it to all of us!
But seriously? Isn't a family of 19 kids a bit nuts? How do you even know you are pregnant any more...well, I guess that question really should be, how do you know when your NOT pregnant any more!!
I mean, really, will they keep going until Michelle Duggar hits the 'pause?!
Ok, enough jokes about the Duggar family. But really, when it boils down to it-it's InSaNe!