Thursday, December 31, 2009

Decade In Review

So I got thinking today..."what have I done in the past 10 years?"

A lot, and when I say a lot, I mean a lot has happened! I am not as good as Jenn over at The Road To Happily Ever After and I cannot list things by years (I admire your memory Jenn!). Some I know the years, others I have no idea, so I worry if I tried to do it by years, some years may look blank!

So in no particular order, here are some of the big, life changing events that have happened over the last 10 years!

*Graduated High School
*Lost my very close friend at 18 to brain cancer
*Chaired the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life for 3 yrs (was the youngest in the state)
*Had major back surgery
*Relearned to walk
*Went to the community college
*Transferred to a local University
*Dumped my high school boyfriend after 4 years (this was a huge deal!)
*Moved to Cleveland for a guy (I was young & dumb!)
*Went to college in Akron & lived up there for over a year
*Moved with no notice back to Dayton
*Went back to the University
*Commuted between Dayton & NYC every week of my Senior year of college
*Graduated College (first in my family to do so)
*Bought a condo
*Caught a boyfriend on National TV (Monday Night Football) with another girl
*Stopped smoking
*Tried to snowboard & broke both wrist
*Found out I had PCOS
*Had 4 female surgeries
*Had foot surgery
*Got a staph infection & was admitted to the hospital
*Met my DH
*Got engaged before meeting my DH's parents
*Married My DH in a small ceremony on the beach
*Got my Kiso boy
*Went on the worst honeymoon ever
*Had my brand new car catch on fire (Thank you Jiffy Lube)
*Found out who my true friends were
*Found out my hubby had azoo
*Realized we were really infertile
*Decided to adopt
*Moved my DH into my condo (it doesn't seem as big as it once did)
*Learned to Ski (broke nothing!!)
*Met my amazing group of friends & supporters on Twitter

So all in all, the past 10 years has been eventful & has really had it's ups & downs. I look forward to the next decade & hope I can look back on it, as I do this last 10 & think it has really made me who I am.

May you all have a Very Happy & Safe New Years!

I am excited for 2010 & feel in my heart, it will truly be an amazing year for us all!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Monday, December 28, 2009

Countdown

My countdown is beginning. I only have a little over a week until adoption & I will officially be making up & getting back together.

I must admit though (as much as adoption won't like to hear this) the break has been very nice. I have not worried about how we would pay for things, or what needs to be done for the homestudy. I have not looked up anything on the internet about adoption & I even read a non adoption related book!

As nice as the break has been, I have to say, I have missed it. Part of me felt like I was already being a bad mother by doing this. Like a future child would feel like I was giving up on them in order to focus on me.

I knew if I did not take this break however, I would be in no condition to really take on all this adoption stuff full force after the first of the year. I needed the time to regroup & re-evaluate. Just spend time with the DH & focus on us too.

He has loved the break, as I am not on pins & needles & crying all the time when I get frustrated. But we talked about it last night & when adoption & I get back together, I want to take things slow, pace myself. I do not want to jump all in at once...if I want to stay "sane" during this process, I have to take it easy.

I am excited & nervous to pick back up...excited to get the ball rolling & be closer to our baby, nervous, that I will become an emotional wreck again!

Guess I have about a week & a half until I figure out how it will all go after this time off!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy Birthday Mr. PCOSChick

So today is Mr. PCOSChick's birthday-Happy Birthday baby!

Today is the birthday of the man that is my rock, the one that picks me up with life gets to me, the one that I am on this fun filled adventure called marriage with.

I am not sure how I could be doing all this without him by my side.

We have been through a lot, I mean a lot since we got married. The start of our adoption journey has only shown me more of what a great person he is. I have always known he has a heart of gold, but any man that can put up with me when this journey gets the best of me & be there for me is amazing.

I am so excited to continue on my journey with this man. I am excited to see him as a father in the future, as he is just so great with Kiso, & I can only imagine what he will be like with kids. I am so excited to grow old with him & go through all these ups & downs.

So on this day of my hubby's birthday, how do you tell a man how much he truly means to you & how thankful you are for him being in your life.

Happy Birthday Mr. PCOSChick, my rock, my everything!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Blog Design

As I am sure most of you have noticed by now, I have a new blog design! I wanted something that was a bit more me & a bit more PCOSChick! I found Sheila at Blog Designs by Shelia from Kate at Busted Plumbing & just loved what she had done for Kate.

If anyone is looking for a new blog design, I highly recommend Shelia. She has some great ideas (she came up with the Mr PCOSChick) & works very quickly!

So Thank You Shelia for finally making my blog the design I knew it could be! I look forward to starting 2010 with my great new look...who knows, maybe it's a lucky new design?!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Thank You

This week I have had 2 VERY special offers to help me in my journey to becoming a mother. Both of these things brought me to tears & left me speechless (which doesn't happen much)

First, one of my nearest & dearest friends offered me an amazing gift. My friend who is lucky to be the mother of a very beautiful 1 year old daughter has offered my husband & I the gift of surrogacy. Here we are sitting at dinner & she tells me this. As I sat there & cried in my beer, I had no words to thank her enough. How do you thank somebody for even being so selfless that she is willing to offer her body & time to give you such an amazing gift. I know people can offer things like this, just saying them & deep down hoping you would never accept their offer, but I know she was very serious & would do this in a heartbeat for us. Just the thought of her making such an offer blows me away. I get teary just sitting here thinking about her telling me she would do this, with tears in her eyes. So Thank You L! You are amazing & words cannot truly describe how very thankful I am.

Next comes my little brother. Gosh, that is all I have to type & I really get emotional. As tough as my brother tries to be from time to time, he has the most amazing heart & is a softy deep down (he gets this from our grandfather & mother) My brother wanted to be able to help my DH & I in our journey to becoming parents & made a very generous donation to the start of our "baby" fund. My brother & his girlfriend chipped in & presented me with a check today; let the waterworks begin! My brother decided not to purchase any Christmas gifts this year for the family & took the money that he would have spent & gave it to my husband & I instead. This money is a wonderful donation to our fund & will really bring us joy in the future! So Thank You baby bro!

Both of these things this week have just made me realize even more how many people my hubby & I have supporting us on this journey. But I tell you, if people keep doing stuff like this, I am going to be spending a lot of time crying!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Wordless Wednesday-Calm Before The Storm



How I feel about my break from adoption-calm before the craziness :)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Christmas Gifts


We are not big gift givers in our family, never really have been. Not for the holidays or birthdays. Most of the family birthdays are around the holidays..so that makes for craziness.

This year I wanted to do something though. Just a little something & perferably something that had to do with adoption. My DH had bought me a gift from The R House's Etsy Shop & I loved it. It was adoption related & was helping the R Family with their contested adoption, soooo I thought why not! Why not buy all the ladies in the family something from this store. 

I loved how it represented adoption to me & the money I spent was going to a great cause.

So even though we are not big gift givers, this year I am giving. I am giving the gift of adoption & I am so very excited for the ladies in my family to wear these items & represent adoption...what will someday be a huge part of our family!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Wonder

I wrote this post on the plan while coming home from Thanksgiving. We were sitting next to a lady with her newborn baby & well, it just got me thinking.


I wonder what it would be like if we changed our minds & tried IUI. I know we have an extremely small chance, but I can't help but wonder. Would our child have his antlytical thinking gene or my business gene? Would they have a flat spot at the end of their nose like my father & I or maybe the DH's Darwin pointed ears? I wish sometimes I did not wonder, but I can't help it. It's funny though because I wonder about our adopted child too.

I am a big believer in nurture over nature, so I cannot help but wonder what our child(ren) will like that is the same as us. Will they be a skier like their daddy & love the snow even though they may be Columbian or is it possible they will have a passion for traveling like me, even if their birthparent(s) may have never been out of their town or village?

I know I will always wonder in one way or another what our birthchild could have been like, but at the sametime I am so very excited to see what traits & characteristics our child(ren) will have of us. Will we even walk down the streets & be told they look like us? Time will only tell, so until then I will wonder!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

We Are On a Break!


That's right, I'm breaking up with adoption! Well, not breaking up, more like taking a break...you know, like you used to do with your high school boyfriend!

After last weeks breakdown as the agency packets started arriving, I figured, if I wanted to make it through the DH's birthday, the holidays & then my birthday a sane woman, I needed to take a break. (I would like to turn 28 as sane as possible for a woman dealing with infertility & adoption)

This doesn't mean I won't think of adoption or miss it, it just means I will not be researching, reading, etc. I want to be able to focus on my family & not be crying or going nuts! I feel that it is only fair to my family & myself.

I think this is the best for both adoption & I at this time. I think after the first of the year, we will be more on the same path. I have agreed to take time off school so I can focus on my relationship with adoption & help save money to give towards adoption. This should make adoption VERY happy!

Once I feel it's time to get back together & work on our relationship again, I intend to be single & free, or sane, whatever you would like to call it.

Until then, I will miss you dear adoption, but I feel this is best for our relationship & it will only make us better & strong in the future! I hope you understand that it has nothing to do with you, it is all me & I really just need this time away in order to make us better in the long run!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Winding Road


This is going to be a long & winding road-we have both realized this from the beginning. It will not always be easy & it will get the best of us from time to time.

As the adoption agency packets start arriving in the mail & the more research is done-it all makes you wonder, how in the heck does anyone do this? How can they stay in a country for 8 weeks or how in the world do you afford this?! Also they want all your medical records....hmmm...hope they are ready for a book when it comes to me!

We are strong & we can do anything together. Our story has been like a long winding road-always full of twist & turns & this is just adding another curve. But as we sit & look through applications & try to decide if we will adopt domestically or internationally, you cannot help but think about how much longer your road is getting & how curvy it is!

As we feel overwhelmed & shed tears, I cannot help but think ahead a few years & know we will shed tears again, but this time as our child is being placed in our arms. At that VERY moment we will then realize how worth every twist & turn in our road was worth every emotion it brought!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Angry Infertile

I'm having a "bad infertile" day. I am angry & for so many reasons. I am angry for things that deal with me & things that do not!

This is all so unfair! Why is it that I have to go through all this & watch all these women that have become my friends feel pain too. 

I am mad that there are 1 too many BFNs going on. The fact that we have to worry about how we are going to afford getting our children; no matter if it's through treatments or adoption pisses me off. What about all the questions too-when are you going to have a kid?! Or what about the fact that adoptive couples have to worry about if the birth parent may come back-so unfiar. I'm just a really pissed off infertile today.

I'm angry that I get angry. I hate bad days! I hate when I cannot help it & all the sudden I am crying at my desk. I hate these set backs...I do not want to be mad, I do not want to go through hurt & I don't want watch others deal with it either. These ladies on Twitter have become such wonderful friends & support & it upsetting when they have set backs-so that makes me made too!

But I guess I will just suck it up today & deal with the fact that I am just one angry infertile & that is ok...I will have these days (as much as I hate them & they piss me off!)

Feeling Loved!

Thanks to 100DaysOfIVF of Chasing a Miracle & Kate of Busted Plumbing for these following 2 awards. Honestly, with all the awards going around I feel very honored that these 2 ladies & others think of me & my blog.

I started this blog on a whim, just as some sort of way to get my feelings out with all I was dealing with & had no idea what it would become. I really appreciate all the love & support that I have received & can only hope in some small way I can help others. So thank you all again!

100DaysofIVF honored me with the following award:

The Rules:

* Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
* Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
* Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
* Thank the person who gave you the award.


1) My hubby & I met on Match.com-yep, we could be in one of those commericals & get asked often if we will be sending our story into them.
2) I hate, I mean HATE popcorn! I cannot stand the smell, taste or texture...ewwww
3) I have 4 tattoos & will be getting a 5th for my upcoming birthday. All have VERY deep meaning to me & took lots of thought & hardwork before getting them. My last one had to do with hoping for a baby...my next will deal with infertility & motherhood-kind of my moving on tattoo.
4) I love to travel. My bags are always packed & ready to go! I've been to over 20 countries & have so many more on my list to go to.
5) My toenails are ALWAYS painted. I cannot stand them not being painted & cannot remember a time they were not.
6) My DH & I got married on my grandfather's birthday. We even had a birthday cake for him & everything as a surprise. It was wonderful to be able to get married on his birthday-made it easy for a gift to give him that year..ha
7) My dream job is working for a non profit organization. The Cancer Society, Heart Association, etc....just really feel the need to help people!

And The Award Is Passed On To (In No Particular Order)...

-Fertility Chick of FertilityChick
-Leah of Life According to Leah
-Lisa of Waiting Lisa
-Lindsey of The R House
-Jenn of The Road to Happily Ever After
-Naomi of 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
-Roxanne of The Quest for Baby Hang

On to the next one! Thanks again Kate!


The rules for this award:

  • Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
  • Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
  • Link the nominees within your post.
  • Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
  • Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.


-Rebecca of The Baldwin Adventures
-Stork on Strike of Stork on Strike
-Wishing 4 One of Wishing4One
-Jrny2mmhood of My Journey to Mommyhood
-Susan of Not A Fertile Myrtle
-Katie of The Happy Hours
-Vanessa of TTC Now
-Kate of Busted Plumbing
-Kaitlin of Ah...My Married Life
-Giant Speed Bump of Love You Already
-Elle of Hope and Envy

Thanks again for the awards ladies & I hope all you wonderful ladies I nominated pass on the love!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thanks Fertility Chick!



A HUGE thank you to Fertility Chick for this awesome award! If you haven't visited her blog, please do so, as you will be entertained in every way possible when it comes to the good ole land of IF.

So here's the deal:

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List.
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.


So...five bloggers in no particular order:

1. PregnantYuppy from The Pregnant Yuppy
2. NuckingFutsMama from Mama 2 Point 0
3. Rebwim75 from Liberal Granola Girl
4. 100DaysofIVF from 100 Days of IVF
5. Natalie from Once Upon a Cline

I could name so many more, as I love you all-so please, so spread the love!

Thanks again Fertility Chick for thinking of me & giving me such an honor!

Monday, November 30, 2009

2 Weeks


Today has been 2 weeks since I called about the potential baby. I told myself if I did not hear anything within 2 weeks, I would just have to move on.

So today is it, it is time to 'move on.' To realize there is another baby out there for us & this was not meant to be.

I think I really need to take this as a learning experience. It helped me learn more about my emotions & how I would handle things, etc. So from this, we will grow & be able to know what better to expect in the future.

Even though I never spoke with the parents & know very little about them & the baby, I cannot help but wonder about them. I do only wish them the best of luck in the future & hope they make a responsible decision when it comes to their lives & their baby's. I also hope I do at least hear possibly what happened with them in future, but who knows.

This is hard, but I know for my sanity...I had to put a time limit on it. It was very up in the air & a very slim chance anything could happen, so I had to put a time limit on it.

So here I am, at my 2 weeks....

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thankful Thanksgiving



Yes, I know it is not Thanksgiving yet, but since I will not really have access to the internet while at the in-laws, I thought I would share what I am thankful for today!

As crazy as the past year has been with the infertility diagnoses, the testing, the heart break, the decision to forgo treatments & go straight to adoption; along with all the other everyday things, I have so much to be thankful for.

I know I have moments when I let the "bad" stuff get to me & don't think of all I truly have, so I really do want to take a moment to share & remind myself all the good I DO have & am VERY thankful for!

*First & foremost-my husband. He puts up with all my 'flaws' & my hormonal ups & downs. He truly does deserve some kind of award & I cannot thank him enough for being my rock. I love him more & more everyday & I am so very blessed to be sharing my life & this crazy journey with him.

*My family-as much as they can annoy me(ok, they annoy me alot; you should not be allowed to work with your family) they have been so supportive this year & support my hubby & I no matter what.

*I have 2 friends(J & L) that have just been the most wonderful girls this year. They are there to listen to me cry & share in the small or large successes! They both have become so near & dear to me this year, even more than they have in the past. I also love how very excited they are for us to adopt & already love my child!

*The few friends that we have shared that we will be adopting with are so great. They are all so supportive & loving & cannot wait to be apart of our journey.

*I am thankful for wonderful, understanding doctors who are always trying to help me feel better-I don't want to know what I would feel like otherwise!

*I have the best dog in the world. I love my furbaby & would be lost without him.

*As much as my job can piss me off-I have one. I am lucky to have a job & know I will continue to have one in the future. I am lucky it gives me flexibility & will be great once we do have children.

*Considering, my health is pretty good; it could always be worse. I am thankful it is not worse.

*I cannot believe Im in my late 20s & still have all 4 ofmy grandparents. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for them & can only hope I get to see them with their great grandchildren.

*My Twitter friends. Wow, you have all been amazing & this journey would have been awful without you. It is so wonderful to know that you are all there & know what I am going through, it is very comforting.

There is so much more I am thankful for this year, but these are for sure the highlights! I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving

Saturday, November 21, 2009

No One's Gonna Love You

I have always loved the band 'Band of Horse' & their song "No One's Gonna Love You" has always ranked very high on my all time favorite songs list. Whenever I heard the chorus or "But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, No one's gonna love you more than I do" it has always made me think of how I will feel about my child(ren). But today it came on & I listened to it a bit differently than I had in the past.

Then I looked up the lyrics & it got me thinking (& I am sure this is me totally taking it out of context..but hey, that is me), but it is almost like it is talking about dealing with infertility & then when you get your child how much you will love them.

When it talks about how somebody could have warned you...wouldn't that be nice? A bit of warning about how heartbreaking & trying this would all be?

Like I said, maybe it is me taking it out of context & all, but to me, this song has a bit of meaning. But all in all, it is so very true. Nobody will ever love my child(ren) like I will.

"No One's Gonna Love You"

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

Thursday, November 19, 2009

What's On My Mind


I just wanted to do a hodge podge blog of sorts...just to share what has been on my mind lately...lots of randomness to come!

*Will the birth parents call? I give them 2 weeks & then I move on
*I cannot believe the holidays are here! It is true what they say; the older you get, the faster time goes!
*Holy crap, I will be a year closer to 30 in little over a month....ahhhhh
*I have so many adoption books, when will I ever have time to read them all? I want to read them all, I just need to take a week off work to read!
*How did I get so lucky? My husband is the most amazing man ever & accepts me with all my flaws & still loves me
*My Twitter friends are amazing & have really been there, especially with all the ups & downs lately...thank you!
*My feelings about domestic adoption are starting to change some (needs a blog of it's own)
*I cannot wait to hold my child in my arms for the first time, it is really all starting to seem real to me...finally
*For the first time, I started looking at nursery things. I think I have picked out what I like, monkey's-gender neutral & oh so cute!
*I need to get back on the treadmill. 2.5 weeks after surgery is enough time off-gotta get back in gear because I was doing so good!
*The cruise is in February & I am counting down the days
*What to get my DH for his bday/Christmas that isn't too $$ (gotta save for adoption) but has good meaning
*When is too soon to start doing a nursery? Should I have that done before the home study?
*Why do I really want to listen to Enya lately???
*I'm so glad this semester is over...was I insane to sign up for next?
*I have gotten much better at this cooking thing lately, I am so happy, because I vow my kid(s) will not eat out all the time.
*Hope my mom is really going to stick with her word & when we get our first kid, I can work 100% from home
*What in the heck am I wearing for New Years? I've already ordered & returned like 5 outfits!

I think that is a good jist..like I said, just a bunch of rambling today!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Too Good to be True?


These are tears of joy, tears of hope, excitement, nervousness.

So, as many of you know from Twitter, I made the call...I got all my courage & called the dog groomer. I was a nervous wreck; shaking, heart pounding, sweaty pits...yep, that is right, I said it!

I called & she was great! She gave me more details on the couple. They are both 18 & in college. She is only 5 months along & he was adopted, so he is a huge fan of adoption. Apparently they have already talked with an adoption attorney & 1 local couple. They are open to talking to others, however, I guess now that she starts to feel the baby, she is getting ify on adoption. Which it totally understandable, that would be so hard.

The groomer was going to talk to them tonight & pass along my phone number. So who knows, they may not even call.

When I got off the phone, I just lost it. I was all the sudden overwhelmed with emotions & just cried.

Could this be too good to be true? What if we don't hear from them. What if we do? We could have a baby in 4 months. Is this what it feels like to start carrying before you hold a child?! Wow..I was emotional to say the least.

I don't want to get my hopes up & realistically I do not think it will happen. I think it's too good & easy to be true... & I will continue to tell myself that.

But this is all really real now. We are officially getting our feet wet & who knows what could happen!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Adoption Coaster


Is this what it is going to be like? A huge roller coaster of emotions? I mean infertility was, so why shouldn't adoption be the same way? We are not even a week out of class, we don't have our homestudy done & already the roller coaster is beginning! I am not sure if I am cut out for this! I'm already a basket case & this is supposed to be our time off!

So yesterday when I went to pick the pup up from the groomers she asked if we were still wanting to adopt. I told her how we had just finished classes & we were just kind of on a break til after the first of the year. She proceeds to tell me how she has this employee & his 17 year old girlfriend is 7 months pregnant & wants to give the baby up for adoption. She goes on to tell me how the father is adopted & thinks it's the greatest thing ever! **side note(thoughts rushing through my mind):Let my high start setting in! Could it really be this easy? Somebody comes to us?! I mean I have heard stories like this before.** So she keeps telling me about this couple & what not, then she goes "and she just felt the baby kick & now she doesn't know if she can give the baby up for adoption" **side note: I go from high to low real fast**

I kept thinking, wow..is this how it is going to feel? You get the glimmer of a child, to only have that glimmer stomped on real fast? I mean, I was probably putting the card before the horse & she may have not meant anything by it, but my hopes were sure getting up.

So I get to work this morning & I am telling my mom this. Which by the way, she thinks I need to call the groomer, to tell her if they decide to adopt, we are interested...holy crap...that would mean a kid in 2 months!

Anyways, I am telling her this & she decides to tell me that one of our employees asked her a few weeks ago if the DH & I would be interested in domestic adoption. I guess she told my mom she has a friend who has a granddaughter that is pregnant & wants to do adoption. She asked my mom if we would be interested. I guess my mom decided not to tell me about this all right away though because apparently the mother of this girl doesn't want to do adoption & there is turmoil, blah blah.

But so 2 times in less than 24 hours I have had the glimmer of hope. Could either of these situations turn up anything? Possibly. Is it probable? Probably not....but man, do I feel like I'm being thrown into this all fast! I now see how these women totally fall in love with these children before they even hold them.

So who knows, but I think it is official...let the adoption coaster begin!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

As 1 Door Shuts, A New Opens


One person walked into a room 6 weeks ago for an adoption class & last night a different person walked out. I had no idea when I went to that first class what a life changing experience it would all be for me, my hubby & us as a couple. It was a therapeutic experience & the knowledge that was gained is priceless. I never in a million years thought we would grow as we did, so I was pleasantly surprised. The class really became more than we ever could have imagined.

When I started class I was almost depressed. I was so sad that I would not be able to get pregnant & experience the morning sickness, etc. Now I know that I do not need to have all of that to really be a mother. I know I said stuff like that before, but now I really believe it! I know I will be a mom & I know now my hubby is excited for it all, so it is all coming together & I am truly excited.

It was a bittersweet moment walking out last night. I was excited for all there was to come but was sad to think that I would not be walking back into that classroom...what am I to now do on Tuesday nights?! Where will I go to feel like people truly get me? There were lots of questions running through my mind...but I know, it will all be ok!

We had a speaker & then we all talked. Unlike 6 weeks go when I was the talker for our couple, my DH started talking before I could even say a word. It really has been a blessing to see how much he has changed during this time & see how he has opened up. It was amazing to hear the excitement in his voice & hear him talk about our future children. We no longer feel that infertility is a curse...it really will be a blessing. We will be bringing children into our home & give them a life the may have otherwise never had. We are so lucky!

We have made a "plan." We are going to tell his parents & then relax for the holidays & a vacation we have planned in February. We will then revisit after vacation & make our official plan. In the meantime however, we will continue to research agencies & figure out what we really want.

I do have plenty of more blogs to write about thoughts on how things may or may not have changed now that classes are over. Do we still want international, or are we thinking domestic? I also want to talk open adoption compared to closed....so lots to talk about until we start the next big step of our journey.

Thank you everyone for being there & the support.

Wordless Wednesday-Wed Did It

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Let There Be Winners!


I went to Random.org & it selected the numbers 3, 11, & 13. So the winners of the free FertilAid are....drumroll please....
The Klahns
Caramelnyc16
Wannabemom


If you ladies will please email me at PCOSChick@aim.com with your mailing address, I will get your prize out asap!

Congrats ladies & thanks to everyone that entered!

Friday, November 6, 2009

The BIG Surgery


So first I want to start this blog by thanking each & every one of you for all the love & support of the past week. Needless to say to say the past week has been a bit rough between the surgery & now bronchitis! The support from you all has been amazing & truly means the world to me.

Now on to the blog I had planned on writing on November 4th. The reason I wanted to write it on that specific date was due to the fact that it was the 1 year anniversary of my big ole surgery. Now, this blog will be about surgery, so why in the world is there a picture of a watermelon on this post? Please, do read on...you will shortly find out!

First let me start by listing all the fun things that were done to me during this surgery!
*Hysteroscopy
*Fractional D&C
*Micro-Laser
*Bilateral Ovarian Wedge Resection (aka watermeloning)
*Presacral Neurectomy
*Laser of Adhesion's
*Uterine Suspension

Yep, that is my laundry list! So needless to say it was a long surgery & a very long recovery. More than anything with this blog I wanted to try to tell anyone reading this some first hand experience, because some of these things are not done often.

I had ovarian drilling done a year before this surgery & had very good luck with it, however was still having some issues to deal with, which is why my RE decided to go all out & go for the Ovarian Wedging. Yeah, they try to make it sound a bit more pleasant & call it watermeloning...yeah, doesn't that sound like something you do at a summer picnic?! The thought of somebody going in & cutting out almost 1/2 of each of my ovaries was very scary to me, I won't lie. And let me warn anyone who decides to do a surgery such as this...do not, I mean DO NOT, go to YouTube & watch these surgeries being done, under any circumstances!! (yeah, big mistake)

I knew that with a laundry list of things like this being done recovery would be hard & emotional but with the way I had been feeling & how bad the PCOS has taken over my life, I was willing to do anything.

Recovery was 6 weeks of no work & another 6 weeks of taking it easy after that. I was cut like a c-section, with no baby to show for it. The neurectomy helped however, & continues to still help, as I cannot feel part of my womanly inners..may seem odd to you, has been a blessing to me!

I know ovarian wedging is controversial & drilling is done more often, but I will be the first to tell you, if you have luck from the drilling, but still not what you are looking for, the wedging is something to look into.(just my opinion)

My cycle started EXACTLY 30 days after surgery, on it's own..which was huge to me..it had been years since that had happened. Even though the surgery was hard & the emotional wear & tear was even harder on me...here I am a year later saying I wouldn't take any of it back. For me, in the situation I was in, & the pain my PCOS was causing...this was my answer.

I know when I had decided to do this surgery & came home & did research it was hard to find info, but especially first hand experience, so I wanted to let you all know what I had done & let you know I am always here for any questions or anything you may have!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sick As A Dog

Monday, November 2, 2009

My 1st Giveaway-Come Be A Winner!!

I am so excited! I am getting to do my first giveaway :) This is very exciting to me & I really hope you all like it!

Amy (@FertilAidAmy) has given me 3 bottles of FertilAid for Women to give away to you guys, just for reading my blog! It's that simple. You read my blog, leave me a comment & you could be the winner of one of the 3 bottles...it's that easy!

I'm closing this give away this Friday, the 6th at 12am est, so get your comments in before then! I will randomly pick 3 winners and announce them Saturday the 7th. Once the winners are announced, email me your address & I will send you your bottle of FertilAid for Women-pretty cool huh?!

In the meantime, if you can't wait to win my giveaway, head on over to Fair Haven Health & check out all their products. Want to buy now? Enter the coupon code "greatdeal" & get a discount.

But don't forget, if you want to win 1 of my 3 bottles to leave me a comment by Friday the 6th at midnight!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Tunnel

There was always the hope of a baby at the end of the surgery tunnel. I went into my last 3 surgeries with such hope & almost excitement. This could be the surgery, the surgery that could fix whatever was wrong with me & could finally give me a baby.

Now that I know it isn't just me & my DH plays a major role in this, it made yesterday's surgery was so different. I did not have that hope & apparently even told my hubby in my drugged stupor that it was a useless surgery, that there would be no baby. I remember him telling me it wasn't useless, that I would feel better.

I know I will feel better, but I think my lack of hope with this surgery has made it hurt more. I know it wasn't useless, I know I will feel better & I have to feel better. I have to feel better for my baby that is to come.

But for now it hurts a bit more than it probably should. I know there is no getting pregnant at the end of this surgery tunnel, but I do know there will be a baby. I know once I feel better & the drugs wear of & I get back on track, it will be better & there will be a baby. And when that day comes, I will look back on this surgery & all the others & know even though I went through so much, it will be worth every bit of the pain.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Turkey Dinner Surprise!


So it came to me yesterday, 'wow, my in-laws still really have NO idea what is going on with us!' My lovely DH has still not told them a thing; nada, nothing!

They know about my "issues" but not his, which was what ultimately brought us to our adoption decision. I keep asking my hubby if he is going to tell him, otherwise we may get some strange looks when all the sudden we show up with an Asian baby!

Now, they do live further away than my family, therefore they are not as much "into" our lives as my family, but still, this is kinda a big thing, they need to know.

So then I thought (you know, those ah ha moments) ok, we are flying up east this Thanksgiving to be with them, this will be the perfect time to tell make the big announcement. AKA: I'm going to be "pregnant" for the 2-4 years! We will really be able to fill them in on everything & give them the 411. So, ok, yeah, we will do that; but how do you start a conversation like that, especially when you have months to go back over?

I personally like my husband going "pass the turkey, by the way, I have no sperm" & then I follow with "pass the dressing, we are adopting from Asia!" YEAH?! I think so, nice ice breaker & good for the shock effect. Or what about me just blurting "your son got jipped in the swimmers department & me, well I have bummed ovaries; we're adopting!" No?!

Do I think the in-laws or his side of the family will support us? 110%, no doubt in my mind. I guess I just feel bad that they have no idea & this will sort of be sprung on them. I know they handle "springing" well though, considering the first time I met them we also announced our engagement :) So they can do it, they are strong.

I guess I just worry about how exactly do you bring it up. Then once you do, you have to sit there & tell the whole story; the testing, the finding out about the DH & the azoo., the deciding not to try treatments. I just worry they will feel left out & there is so much to fill them in on.

I know it will be ok & really can't wait to tell them! I am open to ideas on how to tell them, so if you think my ideas just aren't funny enough, please give me your idea!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Conflict


Yes, conflicted-that is how I have felt the past couple of days & it royally pisses me off! I get upset at myself for even feeling conflicted. I mean, how can somebody be so excited to adopt & feel blessed to be given the chance at motherhood, but still hurt so bad when they hear pregnancy announcements? 

I know they say this is normal, I know they say this can happen from time to time, but I get frustrated. I mean, I feel like I am doing well, going on all excited for adoption & slowly healing the hole in my heart, then like a ton of bricks...it hits me. It hurts, I mean really hurts. How, how can this happen? How can this be normal? 

It WILL get better, it has to! 

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Don't Worry...

Don't worry be happy; that is how the saying goes, right? Well for some people that comes easier than others & I am one of those that is does not come easy for! Not at all!

Worry is a funny thing. It's funny how you will worry about this or that & a few years later whatever you were once worrying about changes to something totally new to worry about & you do not even remember what you used to worry about! (that was a lot of use of the word worry!)

Infertility can be one big whirlwind of worry. First you worry if you are going to get pregnant or not, then you worry about if you should have that beer, because you could possibly be pregnant. Next it is, should I plan vacation for then or not? If I get pregnant this month, I will be really far along by then, so yeah, better not plan that vacation.

Then when you don't get pregnant you worry about the test-the test that will hopefully help you figure out how to get that baby you so badly want. You worry about the actual test, will it hurt? Then you wait & worry about the results. Once you get the results, the worry continues. Will you try this or that. Or how will you pay for that treatment.

I tend to be a bit of a worrier by nature. My hubby on the other hand is the laid back, 'whatever' type of guy, so we tend to balance each other...or at least he tries to balance me! I need his laid back attitude & I have such a hard time with it. I wish I could be better at it, I really do. why is it that women worry more? Is it a natural motherly instinct? Is it just nature? Whatever it is, I sure seemed to get it!

Now that we have moved on to the adoption process, I am already worrying about things like the home study. The home study almost seems to be a joke in adoption class; they say you will worry to death about them, possibly even rearrange your house & really it doesn't matter, they are easy! But yep, here I am already thinking about how will will have to fix this or repaint that...do I sound crazy?! LOL

I no longer worry about all the pregnancy test & lack of sperm; I now worry about if a social worker will think I cannot parent well because I have had back surgery or if they will feel our home is too small.

I hate worrying! I know it does me good, but it is kind of funny how my worry has changed. No longer do I worry about things within me, but now all external things that I really cannot help. This worrying thing is a bitch!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Words Have Meaning & Names Have Power


Naming a kid-this is a big deal! I have had a name list for probably about 6 or 7 years now & as I hear or see names I like, I add them to my list. Now, in order to make the list, you have to be a good name, not just any ole name will do.

My hubby says he likes the list, because then he can just pick a name from the list & he knows he can never go wrong, because I like them!

I was given a very unique name & while growing up I swore I would NEVER do that to my kid. People can never say or spell it right, crap half the time they just call me whatever they want! (yep, I will pretty much answer to anything, even "hey you") But as I have gotten older, I like the whole unique name thing & I cannot imagine naming a child something that is popular or common.

You may be asking yourself why am I writing about naming a baby because I don't have one, heck I am not even on the adoption list yet. I guess with adoption class & everything becoming more real, it has just gotten me thinking about names.

In my line of work, I deal with people all the time & let me tell you, I hear names that make me wonder what in the heck their parents were smoking when they named them. I mean, really? You named your kid Rusty Pole?! Or how about Clorox, yep...just like the bleach! I just don't get some names. Now I know to each their own, but I sure don't want somebody laughing at my kids name or wondering what drug I was taking when I named that poor kid what I did!

They say there are a few questions to ask yourself when you are coming up with names, for example, if you need a girl name you would ask things like:
May ______(fill in the name) come over & play
May I take your daughter, _______, to the prom
May I have your daughter, _______'s, hand in marriage

Then I think, oh wait! We have to work the family names in too because I do not want to be the one that doesn't use that name after generations! Ok, so I guess that means we either need to adopt a litter or my kid is going to have like 17 names! Ahhh...the pressure & all for a kid I do not have!

Ahh, the name game! I may have 3 more years til I have a kid & I am worrying already. (isn't this supposed to be the sign of a good mom?) So, I thought it would help ease the worry if I shared my name list with you guys to see what you thought. Do you scratch your heads when you read these names or are they great?

I have broke them into a girls & boys section, then I have gender neutral. So without further adieu, for the first time on public display....drum roll please....my name list!

Girls Either Boys
Ambreal Rowan Tate
Max Avery Brice
McKee Davis Dixon
Hashley Charley Tucker
Keegan Creed Cain
Cantrail Briden Zane
Aubri Harper Jax
Lydia Aspen Grant
Lyla London Kipton
Kassen
































Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tater Tot Casserole


Here you guys go..got a lot of request for it, so thought I would just post it...ENJOY!




Ground Turkey: 1.5 lbs
Grilled Onions
Cream of Chicken Soup: 12 oz.
Cream of Mushroom Soup: 12 oz.
Tater Tots: 1 Bag
Cheese: as much as you like
I use Cajun Seasoning on my meat & diced green chilies.
Brown your meat & then layer a baking dish with the meat, onions, soups & then tator tots. Bake according to the directions on the tator tots bag. When the timer goes off pull it out & put your cheese on top & place back in the oven just long enough to melt the cheese.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Love Adoption Class, I Really Do!

I love adoption class! I mean, love, love, LOVE IT!! For 2 whole hours I get to be in a room of people that get me. For 2 whole hours I am not alone & I am not judged. I feel hope & excitement, content & an anxiety that I have not felt in years. I love adoption class.

This class has really been a blessing in disguise. I thought when we signed up, we would be going to a class where we learn about adoption & that would be it. I didn't realize it would be like counseling & start me; start us, on the journey towards healing.

I know the hole in my heart will never completely heal. There will always be that spot for the child I did not birth, but I am starting to feel as though it is not my entire heart anymore, slowly, but surely it is getting smaller. I really had no idea all this would happen from class, so it has all been a welcomed surprise.

I really feel like after the past 2 classes, when I leave I have a new outlook & it is great. After class last night, my hubby even said.."ok, after hearing that last couple speak, I think we can really do this. It's ok, we can do it!" (always a positive thing to hear when he is coming around)

So onto the nitty gritty about last night. I am going to do the Reader's Digest version too!

We had 3 speakers last night. The birth mom, a mom that had adopted 6 kids in 4 years, and a couple that adopted an African American girl. 

It was nice hearing from a birth mom & the emotions that came with giving up your child, however the hubby & I did not feel that she was a typical birth mom. She already had 4 kids & was divorcing, hence why she decided to give the child up. She was almost too nice to the adoptive parents; doing everything from letting them name the child what they wanted (se even used their last name on the birth certificate), to letting the adoptive mom stay the first night in the hospital with her & the baby. We felt that this was not your typical birth mom, so we felt it was skewed slightly. I mean the emotions were there, but as a prospective adoptive parent, I felt like if we were to do a domestic adoption, more than likely this would NOT be the type of birth mom we would get. 

Then the mom who had adopted 6 kids in 4 years...well, I don't really know what to say about her. She was there more as an person saying "I know everything about adoption & do this or that." She really did not tickle my fancy.

Then we got to the couple that had adopted the little girl. First of all, they were just such a real couple,somebody that the DH & I felt we could be friends with, so I really think that helped us relate. They told their story of 3 years of infertility & deciding to adopt & the whole journey. Their adoption process included everything from getting calls saying "you have been chosen by a birth mom, come to the hospital to get your baby" then getting there to find out that the birth mom had changed her mind, to having the grandmother of their daughter contest their adoption. They were just so open & up front, it was truly comforting. 

It breaks my heart though when I hear what these adoptive parents go through with domestic adoptions. The ups & downs. The you have a baby, you don't have a baby. The contesting of the adoptions. It just seems to me after infertility & all the heart break it brings, I do not think I could handle the emotional roller coaster of domestic adoption.

I have always said I wanted to do international, especially after seeing a family friend loose their adoptive children after having them for a few years. I guess it is a comfort to me to know that my chances of the birth parents coming back in an international adoption are slim. Call me selfish, call me whatever you will; but for me I am finding more & more with these speakers, domestic is not for me.

I like hearing the stories & look forward to the remaining 4 weeks we have in class. I really think I will even be sad when we no longer have to go, because I really do love it!

Wordless Wednesday-Too Bad No Halloween For Us This Year

Monday, October 12, 2009

HPT


That's right, the girl who will never see a positive HPT is blogging on them-odd or not?!

I was pondering the whole home pregnancy test thing last night when doing laundry. How laundry & home pregnancy test relate, I am not really sure, but that is what did it for me.

I thought about all the test I have bought, all the negatives they have brought & all the other emotions that came with them.

I have seen so many of these things stay negative. I swear, I was buying them in bulk from the manufacture & took out a 2nd mortgage on my home to pay for them, but I didn't care, because I was SURE eventually I would see a positive one.

Yep, those were the days. The days that I was soooooo sure I was pregnant & couldn't wait to get home to take a test, so I would take it at work; just to find it negative.

As I look back now, I almost feel dumb. All the times my hubby & I were so sure that 2nd line was going to show, we were so sure that we would be becoming parents. Little did we know.

I remember 1 time I waited to get home to test, so the DH could be there when I got the positive-when I got home one of his friends from out of town stopped by without notice. I didn't get a chance to test before we went to dinner. I refused to pee though before we left, so I was dying during dinner! My hubby & I sat all through dinner on the edge of our seats, ready to book it out of there...this was it, this was the time, the time we would be parents. I was so late, my boobs hurt, I was nauseated in the morning (it was all in my head as I look back) Gotta love PCOS & what it can do to your body.

I look back now on all the negative home pregnancy test & think, wow, if only I had known. I think about what anyone would say if they had any idea. Here we were taking pregnancy test, so sure & my hubby didn't even have sperm..wow, we must look like idiots.

I still have pregnancy test, test that I will never see turn positive, test that will expire & I will throw out. Test that I thought would one day change my life.

Don't get me wrong, my life is still going to change-but with no help from these little test.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I Am Infertile, Hear Me Roar!!!

That is right, I feel like class last night gave me a new 'high.' It made me feel strong & realize how NOT alone I am. It was therapeutic & exciting; it was surprising & strengthening

When I left that theatre, where 20 some other couples were, I felt like I had a new lease on life. I could see my hubby felt the same too. It was almost like any weight left on my shoulders about infertility were lightening.

I was nervous before class, had no idea what to expect. Figured we would be the youngest in class & feel totally out of place. WOW, I was wrong!

I sat in a theatre with couples that "got it." They knew what it was to cry for the child you will never have, to feel the loss of a child you never held, they just got it. It was comforting; comforting to be able to sit in a room & not have to say a word & know everyone else understood.

Class started with our teacher, an adoptive parent (27 years ago) telling her story of infertility & then adoption. She made it clear that even though she was now in her 60s she still felt the pain of infertility. Even though she had a daughter, that she still would feel the sting that infertility left behind, & she made sure we all knew that was ok. When I heard that this, I just really sighed a sigh of relief. I was normal! It was ok that I could be excited for adoption & becoming a parent, but it was still ok that I occasionally cry because I will never carry a child.

After a short break, we came back & it was time for the class to go around & introduce themselves & tell their story. (good thing there were tissues out for us) The stories were amazing. Everything from couples like us that decided not to try treatments, to some that had children & wanted more. Miscarriages to secondary infertility-all of it in one room! 

As people told their stories, I watched my hubby, as he shook his head in agreement or laughed or seemed sad. All of these emotions were things I had not seen from him lately. He really had been shut down about it recently & if I said anything replied that "he was still trying to get used to it & take it all in." 

We were the last to talk & since I am the talker of the family started telling our story. As I spoke these words out loud to perfect strangers, I started feeling empowered. This story, the one that brought us to this adoption class, had made us who we were as a couple & would continue to make us stronger, it also brought us to where we need to be...adoptive parent classes. As I started to wrap up, I saw tears in my husbands eyes & he then began to talk. I was floored! He is not a talker, especially in a room of total strangers. He opened up; he said things he had not said to me...he looked like weight was coming off him. He talked about how he couldn't see me hurt anymore & did not want me to have to go through more surgeries. He said some of the sweetest words I had ever heard & then he said it! He said how VERY excited he was to adopt & be a parent with me. (pass the tissues please) It was at that moment it was all ok. This was where we needed to be & where we were supposed to be.

Everyone in this class had a unique story-but one thing was common between us all. We all truly felt that everything happened to bring us there, so we could be adoptive parents.

I left the class on cloud 9! My husband seemed like a different person & I was truly ok with being infertile-because there was a reason.

The class really helped us open up communication & we talked a lot about different things dealing with adoption when we got home. I was even so excited & at peace when we got home, that I could not sleep last night. 

I am sure this is jumpy & I am sorry for that! I just feel like there was so much last night-in so many ways that are really going to ring such good to us. I feel like this class is exactly what we needed. What we needed to deal, what we needed to move on, what we needed to know that we were ok & we were not alone. Sitting in that room was powerful & a therapy we never expected. 

So yes, I am infertile & after last night I realize, I am fine. I will still hurt, but I will go on & I will love a child & be a mother. I no longer have to worry about seeming odd if I cry, & it is ok to get mad & hurt-but it will all be ok. I am infertile, hear me roar because I am strong.

The teacher gave us a poem in our class packet & told us not to read it until we got home. She told us this would help & when we were ready, we would truly understand it...so I would like to share it with you. 

Burial
Today I closed the door of the nursery
I have kept for you in my heart.

I can no longer stand in its doorway.
I have waited for you there so long.
I cannot forever live on the periphery
of the dream world we share, and
you cannot enter my world.

I have fought to bring you across the
threshold of conception and birth.
I have fought time, doctors, devils, and
God Almighty.
I am weary and there is no victory.

Other children may someday live in my
heart but never in your place.

I can never hold you. I can never really
let you go. But I must go on.

The unborn are forever trapped within the
living, but it is unseemly for the living
to be trapped forever by the unborn.
- E. Van Clef
 
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