More Changes

I hate how much money plays a part of everyone's IF journey...it really makes the whole situation a lot more unfair than it already is.

Looking further into surrogacy information, all the things that go along with it & cost has been a HUGE eye opener for me. I mean, I knew it would be a big process & cost a decent amount..but I truly had NO idea when it came to the cost. We are lucky because it is a tad cheaper due to it being a known surrogate & not using an agency, but still..WOW! After speaking with the RE we wish to go with & getting deeper into the cost, I find myself shying away from it. I have a very hard time swallowing the fact that we would spend up to 6 digits to do a surrogacy & possibly end up with no child. We would spend all our savings, plus have to take out a loan & be paying on it for who knows how long. But the more we got digging & I saw how much just IVF cost, the more I began to think about that.

When the DH & I first started this journey 4.5 years ago. We opted for no treatments because we knew our chances were slim. That all seems like decades ago though..things have changed. We have been through a lot, gotten stronger, taken a break from the baby idea & have grown. We are not who we were then. So I started wondering...why couldnt we try IVF? I mean, we could try a round, not have 6 digits invested in it & still have money to adopt later down the road if we wanted to.

So last night I went to my OB. I wanted to see what he thought of me trying IVF since he knows my history so well. He said he has just been waiting for me to show up in his office pregnant. (the man has held out so much hope for us) We talked about my risk & history & he feels I am in the best shape he has ever seen me & strong & said go for it.

So this morning, I called a new RE to setup a consult. I am still waiting to hear back from them..but G & I are at least going to see what they say.

We also still have our possible adoption situation. She is due July 8th..yep, she was 31 weeks along, not 6 like she originally thought when we found out. We did find out it was a boy...but I really think she is going to decide to parent. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I really am not sure if she will want to put the baby up for adoption. But it is always a possibility.

I never thought I would sit here one day & type the words 'I may do IVF.' I never thought our crazy path would bring us here...so it's all new to me & exciting.

I have a lot more to talk about with all this & my thoughts on it...but I'll save you all for now ;)

New Direction??

I have been trying to figure out what to write, but I still do not know...I am still in shocked. We have had an offer from a dear friend to be a surrogate. Now, I had a friend offer before, but I dont know, something about it didnt feel right. Maybe part of me felt she was offering because she felt like she should?

This friend...I truly had no idea she felt this way. Her & her DH have been talking about this between themselves apparently for a while now & she came to us the other day.

I am still in shock, still overwhelmed. I cannot believe somebody truly likes me & the DH as much ;) I mean to offer yourself to help us have a child is crazy to me! We are thinking about this, we really are...this is a chance at a biological child. Something we never thought we could have.

If we do decide to go through with this, both the DH & I would have to go through things. I would donate & he would have to have surgery in order to try to find sperm. We have decided if we cannot do those 2 things, we will not go through with the surrogacy, there would be no need to put her through everything if the child could not biologically be ours.

So is this a possible new direction? Very possibly. I will go to the OB in May to see what he says & she will be transferring to my OB as well...we will then be going from there. Sadly, we will have to travel some to go to an RE, as the one here in town will not do single women or surrogacy due to religious beliefs (that is a whole new post)

Oh also....we have been asked if we would be interested in adopting. The birth mother is still VERY early in her pregnancy & adoption is just being talked about, but we have been asked if we would be interested.

So yeah, all kinds of new directions are possible...a lot to take in...a lot to think about.

ICLW

It's been a really long time since I have done one of these..between getting sick last year (which you can read about here, here and here) and just working a lot, I have been neglecting my blog & I am glad to be back & part of ICLW.

So welcome!

A bit about me...31, PCOS, Endo, no left tube and ovary, no spleen and now a blood clot survivor
About the DH...31, severe azoo

A little over a year ago after over a year in the international adoption process there was a little girl that we got a referral for & sadly could not accept. After this, we left the program in Colombia, planning on taking a short break & then going to domestic adoption. Once I found out that I had to have my spleen removed & then developed clots, that break went from a few months to over a year. As I get stronger from everything last year, we are slowly starting to think about the adoption process again. We had decided that I needed to be 100% before starting up, so it's looking like that may happen later this year or beginning of next.

So for now...we are just 'in-between-ers'

Ill end with a random fact about myself & hope you share one about you :)

I met my husband, married him, went on our honeymoon & were home the day we had been together 6 months!

Changes....

Changes, they're a happenin'

I have now been off the blood thinners for almost a month...slowly starting to get my life & body back & it feels great!! As I start to heal both mentally & physically, we have started to talk about adoption more.

It's weird & comforting to talk about adoption. There was a point last year when I thought I would never be a mom. I was angry for all I was dealing with medically, I was angry for not being able to have a child, I was pissed about the adoption process & all we had been through previously. But as things have gotten better our thoughts on things, my thoughts on things, they have changed.

I am starting to get excited about the thought of adopting again. I am starting to think about the blog here & coming back..I am hopeful for the future for the first time in a while.

While the DH & I still have a lot to talk about when it comes to adopting...I think we are close to having a plan and hopefully a child within the next few years.

I cannot thank you all enough for the support through this bumpy journey & sticking by me! Thank you!!

When I Was 31....

"When I was 31, your mother was 13"....these words left on my voicemail yesterday after my birthday wish by my grandmother keep repeating in my head.

I know she did not mean anything by these...but as somebody that is not able to have children, this is not what I want to hear on my birthday or any day for that fact.

It seems like every time I think Im 'ok' something like this is said & it just sets me off. Maybe I was just sensitive because it was my bday & I wasnt getting any younger ;) But as I listened to this voicemail, sitting at dinner with my DH, I broke down into tears. Uncontrollable tears.

I sometimes feel like such a failure....my body has failed me in so many ways. My body has let me down in ways that most people never can imagine...from the IF, to having my spleen removed, PEs and so much more.

I know that I have no control over the cards I have been dealt..I know deep down I never did anything that gave me all these issues...but it can be hard.

So yeah, on a happier note..yesterday was my bday! I had a nice relaxing day...and a WONDERFUL surprise. Saturday afternoon when the doorbell rang (interrupting my nap) RNPhotoGirl was standing at my door!!! My DH & her had worked it out where she would drive down to surprise me for my bday. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me! We have become so close through this crappy IF journey & I have been truly blessed to meet this wonderful lady. The fact that she drove over 6 hours to spend like 24 with me is still overwhelming to me & makes me teary!

So minus the voicemail..I had a good birthday. I cannot believe I am 31, I swear I was just graduating HS! But I am determined to make this a good year (it doesnt take much to beat last)

2013: capricorn overview

Here is to hoping!!

Capricorn

Get ready for the deepest structural changes of your life -- ever. You're becoming the master at tearing down the old and rebuilding from scratch, and yet you may be amazed to discover there is indeed another, much deeper layer to uncover. Just when you thought your world could not possibly survive yet more gutting, along comes the mutual reception between Saturn and Pluto directly impacting your sign. Pluto rules irreversible, you-are-never-going-back change, while Saturn (your planetary ruler) is all about death, rebirth and total transformation. You get the gist: nothing will ever be the same, so close your eyes, take a deep breath and let go. On the other side of the wrecking ball is a beautiful life in total alignment with your true value system making the necessary sacrifices more than worth it. You have nothing to fear, because all of the changes will pave the way to such profound improvement, you'll look back and wonder why you ever held on to such a sham of a world in the first place.

Your daily life -- work, health and overall well-being -- will get an extra boost from Jupiter during the first half of the year. This means you can kick it up a notch by taking such good care of yourself that you'll have more energy than the gods! This is also an excellent time for getting your daily regimen working like a well-oiled machine. Eating right, getting enough sleep and making time for regular exercise are all essential in 2013. The second half of the year brings the luck of Jupiter to your relationship and social zone. No longer shall you be tired or lonely. Your love life and social world will be dripping in goodness and abundance.

Don't expect much solitude in 2013. Your social world is about to blow up -- as is your love life. The eclipse points will be activating your love and social sectors, assuring that you'll have very little, if any, time or space to feel isolated. Friends and lovers will be flocking to you like a magnet. The only problem is that you may feel like you're neglecting your career responsibilities, but how can you turn down all the fun? All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull Goat! It's rare that you have so many invites hitting you simultaneously -- enjoy!

2012

Where to even start?! What a year this has been. I cannot say that I am sad to see this year go, because there is not part of me that is.

I am ready to start fresh and move on to 2013...so Adios 2012!

From loosing my spleen, to having the blood clots, the PTSD & dealing with yet another year without a baby & not sure where we go from here...this year has blown.

It has had some ups, do not get me wrong...I have become so much stronger in my relationship with G. I never knew somebody could love me like he does. I never knew somebody could support me like he does. His love and calming effect on me have been my saving grace this year.

I have learned who my true friends are...you know the ones that don't walk away when the time gets tough. I am so beyond grateful for the amazingly strong friends in my life.

I have high expectations for 2013. I plan on finding myself again..to get me back. To get off these blood thinners & being able to go back to things I love. To do the things my body needs....to forget the horrible stuff that happened to me.

So to all of you reading this...thank you! Thank you for your love & support through this trying year. Thank you for always being there. I wish each & everyone of you nothing but the best in 2013...I hope all your wishes & dreams come true.

To my 2012 self...I hope I do not see you again anytime soon...it's time to move onward & upward!